If you’re someone who thinks sex selection with IVF is a bad idea…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re wrong that girls are more likely to be close. And the larger gap of roommates would mean more time without having to share bc the older would go off to college sooner.

OP here. Good point about going off to college! I hadn’t thought of that.

Just to clarify, it’s not that I think girls are more likely to get along generally. I think that two kids 4 years apart are more likely to get along than two kids 5.5 years apart.

That doesn't fit with most families I know. I know lots of kids who are closest to their opposite sibling, or to siblings that are further apart in age. That's certainly true in both my family, and DH's family.

[Anonymous]

I’d lean against it.

A girl wouldn’t necessarily be closer to your daughter. Your daughter will might struggle with being displaced as the youngest at the age of 4. At 2 - probably wouldn’t notice, and at 6+ would think it’s fun. Not a reason to not have a third at all, but one reason why it might be a bigger struggle for your daughter.


Also, be careful of making her ‘the responsible one’ as she gets older and is the oldest daughter.

[Anonymous]

I am very close with my younger brother. I don’t think I would have liked having a sister tbh.

[Anonymous]

To me this is a non-gross reason for having a sex preference. Just be aware the best graded embryo could be male, or there are no female embryos or no embryos at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d really like your thoughts. That was always what I thought - you get what you get! But now I’m in an odd place and I’m actually considering it. Need someone to talk me out of it or remind me why this is a bad idea (or maybe say in this situation maybe it’s not crazy to consider?)

I have two children, boy - 4.5 and girl - almost 3. We’ve had trouble conceiving a third child so we’re currently doing IVF.

We’ve missed the window on our preferred spacing, so if we get lucky and IVF works, our younger two will be almost 4 years (and definitely 4 school years) apart. We had been hoping for a 2-3 year gap, so watching that slip way has been really hard. This will definitely be our last child.

I never had a preference for the sex of my babies. But now, I do. I have a fairly strong preference for a girl. I just feel like this baby (if we are even lucky enough to have one!) will be so much younger than the others, at least both being girls maybe there will be more of a chance of bonding between the two younger kids. Plus two of our children will have to share a room. I’d much rather have two girls 4 years apart sharing a room than two boys 5.5 years apart sharing a room. That gap just seems CRAZY large to me.

We’re having to do IVF anyway, so all of a sudden I’m thinking, well, if we’re lucky enough to get a choice, why not pick? But I know a year ago I would have thought that was a bad idea.

Thoughts?

You are assuming your same-sex kids get along......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You take whatever the good lord gives you. And you are grateful. And I'm not even religious.

(op, your "ideal" spacing comment was a little hard to take)

If you’re taking whatever the good lord gives you…that’s not IVF anyway!

This! Once you’re doing IVF anyway why are you not allowed to have any other benefits of technology?

Yeah, I don't understand all this hand-wringing re: "playing god" or whatever. According to this logic, any kind of medical intervention = "playing god." Especially IVF, which is used to prolong/promote fertility beyond the point "nature" has determined is ideal (not saying I agree with this characterization, obviously). And where PGT is involved, parents are already selecting for "healthy" embryos - not just those without life-threatening mutations. How is selecting for gender any different? Just like health/disability, sex is hugely consequential to how individuals experience the world.

Relatedly, I don't understand the view that it's only acceptable to choose when there's a sex-linked genetic condition. I have a boy who I love completely and I wouldn't change a single thing about, for instance, but I can think of plenty of perfectly valid, non-medical reasons one might prefer a girl. E.g., boys are nearly 4 times more likely to be diagnosed with autism and 3 times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD. Historically and presently, women have been more likely to take on the burden of eldercare. Men are responsible for wildly disproportionate amounts of violence and aggression, and there's only so much parenting can overcome. Of course, there are plenty of challenges/potential downsides involved in raising girls as well. But it should be up to individual parents to weigh what matters most to them and make that decision.

Frankly, there aren't enough people doing IVF with PGT that allowing for selection will make a meaningful difference on a population level. And if we ever get to that point, banning sex selection isn't the answer. Instead, we should try to address the underlying reasons for the preference (e.g., in the case of girl-preference, some of the ones listed above).

On a personal note, I am a donor-conceived individual, which in my view is a WAY more ethically dubious practice (I say this without judgment towards those who pursue it - my judgment is reserved from the highly corrupt, unregulated, and profitable fertility industry). And yet, I almost never see comments (on these forums or in general) questioning that practice. In the donor conception context, recipient parents frequently select for race, height, hair color, intelligence, etc.

I especially agree with you that donor conceived is much more dubious, and think that it needs to be tightly regulated and a lot more difficult than it currently is.

However, I think you are missing a lot of the "why" people are against "playing God" and choosing by gender. You are talking about odds of autism and adhd - which could easily change as we learn more about DNA. The danger of PGT is that they will continue to learn more, and the profile will change, meaning that you are possibly eliminating embryos that had a good chance at life. Once you go through IVF, so much becomes about a numbers game and becomes a false sense of control, when the reality is that you are not able to create the perfect child and there is beauty in chance. Its difficult to explain unless you are going through it, and it is amplified when you don't get tons of embryos to make these choices.

Of course, it is completely natural to have belief you will have this control and the OP's thoughts are understandable. Of course, the fact that they are in this situation because of infertility and not because of family planning means that these doors are unlikely to be open to them based on gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to do this but am worried of the risks of the PGT test needed to determine gender. Which clinic are you working with?

OP here. We have to do PGT-A testing anyway because of my age, so that’s a non-issue for us. We’re at Shady Grove.

If your husband is older too, you may want to consider selecting a female embryo to lower the risk of autism.

[Anonymous]

Always go with the highest-quality embryos. You have no idea how the relationship between the kids will develop--so many factors at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re wrong that girls are more likely to be close. And the larger gap of roommates would mean more time without having to share bc the older would go off to college sooner.

OP here. Good point about going off to college! I hadn’t thought of that.

Just to clarify, it’s not that I think girls are more likely to get along generally. I think that two kids 4 years apart are more likely to get along than two kids 5.5 years apart.

That doesn't fit with most families I know. I know lots of kids who are closest to their opposite sibling, or to siblings that are further apart in age. That's certainly true in both my family, and DH's family.

+1. Same here.

[Anonymous]

Infertility clearly brings out bitterness and anger, which I guess is understandable. So many mean responses.

OP I think your logic is sound. I also don’t think it’s wrong to mourn the loss of your preferred age gap. My oldest was a nightmare baby so we weren’t ready to even try again until she was almost 3. I had to get over being sad at their age gap being bigger than 2 years. I guess anything but total gratitude is nuts to those experiencing infertility but it’s normal for most.

I would not choose the sex just because I wouldn’t want to feel responsible for any issues later on. I struggle with anything I can blame myself for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to do this but am worried of the risks of the PGT test needed to determine gender. Which clinic are you working with?

What risks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether or not kids get along is SO highly dependent on personality and not sex/gender or age gap.

I would go with the healthiest embryo and put this out of your mind.

But you can have equally graded embryos of both sexes. So what then? Someone has to pick.

[Anonymous]

Like others have said, if I chose embryo based on gender and the baby had so much as a tongue tie at birth, not to mention any issue their entire life, I would feel super guilty and wonder if it's my fault for choosing. I would always wonder. Maybe feeling like you are playing God is illogical for the reasons others have pointed out, but I would have guilt about it nonetheless. Plus I believe God gives us what we are meant to have, and I wouldn't want to interfere with that. I would just trust the doctors' advice about which one to put in.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My Dr put the strongest embryo in. I’m thankful every day. I cannot imagine maki g this choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, how did your IVF cycle(s) go? Did you end up facing this dilemma?