Truthfully, can you both have careers and have 3+ kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are not a small side gig. They need more attention and hands-on time than those types of careers allow. I am a FT working mom of two who made a lot of sacrifices to be present as a parent, and just from an hours-per-kid-per-week perspective I was at the bare minimum. Three kids would have been too much. I speak as someone who has always worked and whose own parents were so career focused they really effed up my brother and me with their lack of attention and detachment from our daily lives.

This is a real thing. I feel guilty of it. I can tell my kids want and need me way more. But I enjoy my high earning career and struggle with young children.

I personally think adding a third would be selfish and mean.

Also your marriage matters.

Ignoring kids and being detached from them is not just a two parent issue.

Parents are invested in spending time with their kids or they are not.

Being at home with your kid in the basement is not being invested in your kid.

[Anonymous]

I quit when our 3rd was a year old. Every aspect of life was suffering until I took something off my plate. I wasn't present at work or home. I think about it now and there is no way we could handle things if we were both still working.

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP on this thread and will add that what you want your kids to believe is important is another critical piece of the puzzle.

We work hard and want to accomplish something. Are we going to cure cancer or invent whatever comes after the electric car - of course not - but going to work every day, caring about working, believing it's important - doesn't that have some impact on your child's perception of the world? More than his/her benefit of micromanaged homework?

This is what I think about, and I lean to the former. Otherwise we would step down, focus on comfort, and stop pushing so much. But that just feels like giving up on life. Don't we need people in the world who push for better things? And don't parental examples help build that motivation?

[Anonymous]

Not without a grandma helping or a great nanny.

[Anonymous]

Depends. Not well.

[Anonymous]

Once all your children have activities, you will need a nanny or au pair, or someone to drive them around. The 3-6pm M-F shift is not easy with all the kids different activities. If you don't want to hire help, your kids can't do activities. There is no middle ground there with 2 working parents with demanding jobs.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious how many of these responders have three kids. Everyone I know with three+ kids wouldn’t change it. It’s human nature to adapt. If you have a strong marriage, similar desire for more kids, and means - go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP on this thread and will add that what you want your kids to believe is important is another critical piece of the puzzle.

We work hard and want to accomplish something. Are we going to cure cancer or invent whatever comes after the electric car - of course not - but going to work every day, caring about working, believing it's important - doesn't that have some impact on your child's perception of the world? More than his/her benefit of micromanaged homework?

This is what I think about, and I lean to the former. Otherwise we would step down, focus on comfort, and stop pushing so much. But that just feels like giving up on life. Don't we need people in the world who push for better things? And don't parental examples help build that motivation?

This assumes that jobs generally result in better things for society. Unless you just mean earning money to earn better things for your own family. Because most jobs are neutral, and a significant number of jobs, particularly in the DC area, actually make the world a worse place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how many of these responders have three kids. Everyone I know with three+ kids wouldn’t change it. It’s human nature to adapt. If you have a strong marriage, similar desire for more kids, and means - go for it.

I can, off the top of my head, think of 3 different families who confessed that while they adore kid 3, that having 3 kids pushed them over the edge from a mostly sane life to an insane one and they probably wouldn't have done it if they knew. One of my mom friends likes to say "3 kids is about .5 kids too many." (Because at 2 kids you don't yet know you should just be done, for your own sake.)

[Anonymous]

DH and I both have very flexible WFH careers and we have 2 tweens. I feel we have the finances, time, energy, and most importantly we can meet their emotional needs now. If we had 3, someone would get the short end of the stick and we would be very stressed. Life is stressful in general, so I’m glad we stopped at 2. Life is stressful, but very manageable and our kids are very supported all around.

[Anonymous]

After my 3 is when I pulled back from a career I loved. We had the resources for all the childcare help in the work but to me when the only time you get with your kids is the morning and evening rush - it’s not enough to go around with enough quality time for each kid (whereas with one, even if you only have 6-730pm it can be really great bonding time for 1.5hours. With 3 for that same block, it’s 75min of multitasking them and mediating fights and 5min of quality time for each ones bedtime)

But it totally depends on your kids temperaments and what you value in parenting. Logistically if you have the money, it is totally doable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how many of these responders have three kids. Everyone I know with three+ kids wouldn’t change it. It’s human nature to adapt. If you have a strong marriage, similar desire for more kids, and means - go for it.

I can, off the top of my head, think of 3 different families who confessed that while they adore kid 3, that having 3 kids pushed them over the edge from a mostly sane life to an insane one and they probably wouldn't have done it if they knew. One of my mom friends likes to say "3 kids is about .5 kids too many." (Because at 2 kids you don't yet know you should just be done, for your own sake.)

I’m one of those people me say this too. But I doubt I’ll say it in 15 years when these years are a hazy memory and I have 3 adults to (hopefully) enjoy. I’m not saying to have a 3rd if it will truly push you over the edge, but it can be truth that for a period 3 kids is total chaos and you joke about that and long term it was still the right choice for you and your circumstances

Right now (with a 2/4/6yo) I do have many moments of thinking how incredibly easier life would be by now with only a 4 and 6yo. But now is a phase, the 2 and 4 yos are becoming friends in a way the 6yo would never….theres pros and cons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how many of these responders have three kids. Everyone I know with three+ kids wouldn’t change it. It’s human nature to adapt. If you have a strong marriage, similar desire for more kids, and means - go for it.

I can, off the top of my head, think of 3 different families who confessed that while they adore kid 3, that having 3 kids pushed them over the edge from a mostly sane life to an insane one and they probably wouldn't have done it if they knew. One of my mom friends likes to say "3 kids is about .5 kids too many." (Because at 2 kids you don't yet know you should just be done, for your own sake.)

I’m one of those people me say this too. But I doubt I’ll say it in 15 years when these years are a hazy memory and I have 3 adults to (hopefully) enjoy. I’m not saying to have a 3rd if it will truly push you over the edge, but it can be truth that for a period 3 kids is total chaos and you joke about that and long term it was still the right choice for you and your circumstances

Right now (with a 2/4/6yo) I do have many moments of thinking how incredibly easier life would be by now with only a 4 and 6yo. But now is a phase, the 2 and 4 yos are becoming friends in a way the 6yo would never….theres pros and cons

Perhaps. But I am more stressed and tired with a 13 and 16 yo than I ever was with a 3 and 6 yo. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

MayBug wrote:First, congratulations on the birth of your second kid! My employer and his wife, who works as a therapist, have three children. They seem to manage their careers well. If you both enjoy a certain amount of flexibility in your jobs, I don't see a reason why you shouldn't. For a fourth kid, however, you probably would need to wait until the eldest could support you.

Do not expect your oldest child to help you raise your other children. That's abuse.

+1 awful suggestion. Don’t have more children than you can handle.

[Anonymous]

It’s possible. I have leaned way in after my first was born. My husband and I both have no ability to WFH. They are long days but make it work by utilizing every minute and being highly efficient. We use aftercare at school and cook easy meals. Kids play one sport per season (if at all).

Kids are 2,6 and 9.