Truthfully, can you both have careers and have 3+ kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had my second and my heart wants a third but my husband has a leadership role and I’m a physician. Our careers are important to us. We have some flexibility in our jobs but reading posts it sounds like 3 kids and two careers isn’t possible. Anyone who is making it work (esp without nanny or day to day family help)? How?

I have a friend who is also a physician and has five children. It works because her husband helps a great deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hospital-based physician and DH is an SES fed. We both work 50-60 hours/week, roughly 50/50 WAH/WOH & relatively flexible. 3 kids -- all middle elementary school aged -- and we have an au pair. It's a lot, but totally doable. I found the preschool/toddler/baby years harder than now.

Those are pretty much our jobs. What does the au pair help with? Drop off and activities?

Not PP but our aupair did kids laundry/room/breakfast/lunch/morning routine (so we could get to work early), afternoon help with homework

If I went for a run, she was there.

They babysat on the weekend for dates.

They only did 20 hrs a week

[Anonymous]

Kids are not a small side gig. They need more attention and hands-on time than those types of careers allow. I am a FT working mom of two who made a lot of sacrifices to be present as a parent, and just from an hours-per-kid-per-week perspective I was at the bare minimum. Three kids would have been too much. I speak as someone who has always worked and whose own parents were so career focused they really effed up my brother and me with their lack of attention and detachment from our daily lives.

[Anonymous]

Three kids and two working parents with serious career demands requires a nanny or substantial family support. I know plenty that do it successfully but there are no illusions as to how much support is needed or how stressful this can be to your marriage. You and your spouse need to be flexible and not have mental health issues. Doing it without support is likely a quick ticket to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this has already been said, but it's worth noting that DCUM is a small portion of America and the world. There are many, many people who have "big" or "demanding" jobs who have three children. Can you do it? Of course. Do you want to do it? Only you can decide.

My eldest child just turned five, my middle baby is almost three, and my youngest child is ten months ...and my husband and I both work. I do not regret having three kids. I love them and I love the dynamic. If we had waited we just would have waited and had three. My job offers me the option to be remote with flexibility but that is balanced by my husband not having those options and having long hours. We don't have family help and we have a nanny, which I have found works well for us. I know other people like having an au pair because of the flexibility, especially with older children who are in school or camp during the year.

Although neither my husband nor I are in c-suite roles, we both have jobs that are demanding enough that we each make around $350K ($700K combined) in our 30s with some room to grow. I can't imagine quitting my job and I can't imagine him quitting his job. I don't know what the secret is or if there is a secret. With every kid it is a leap of faith. And after you jump you figure out how and where you're going to land.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three kids and two working parents with serious career demands requires a nanny or substantial family support. I know plenty that do it successfully but there are no illusions as to how much support is needed or how stressful this can be to your marriage. You and your spouse need to be flexible and not have mental health issues. Doing it without support is likely a quick ticket to divorce.

+1

[Anonymous]

Of course, but you’ll need an excellent nanny or two.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to find good nannies that click with you. Au Pairs often don’t work out. It’s just not that simple. My friend who went this route ended up divorced.
Just a counterpoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are not a small side gig. They need more attention and hands-on time than those types of careers allow. I am a FT working mom of two who made a lot of sacrifices to be present as a parent, and just from an hours-per-kid-per-week perspective I was at the bare minimum. Three kids would have been too much. I speak as someone who has always worked and whose own parents were so career focused they really effed up my brother and me with their lack of attention and detachment from our daily lives.

It isn’t possible to have two careers like this and give 3 kids the attention they need. You need to essentially outsource a large % of their childhood.

It’s okay to like and focus on your career. You don’t have to have more children. It’s okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are not a small side gig. They need more attention and hands-on time than those types of careers allow. I am a FT working mom of two who made a lot of sacrifices to be present as a parent, and just from an hours-per-kid-per-week perspective I was at the bare minimum. Three kids would have been too much. I speak as someone who has always worked and whose own parents were so career focused they really effed up my brother and me with their lack of attention and detachment from our daily lives.

This is a real thing. I feel guilty of it. I can tell my kids want and need me way more. But I enjoy my high earning career and struggle with young children.

I personally think adding a third would be selfish and mean.

Also your marriage matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has already been said, but it's worth noting that DCUM is a small portion of America and the world. There are many, many people who have "big" or "demanding" jobs who have three children. Can you do it? Of course. Do you want to do it? Only you can decide.

My eldest child just turned five, my middle baby is almost three, and my youngest child is ten months ...and my husband and I both work. I do not regret having three kids. I love them and I love the dynamic. If we had waited we just would have waited and had three. My job offers me the option to be remote with flexibility but that is balanced by my husband not having those options and having long hours. We don't have family help and we have a nanny, which I have found works well for us. I know other people like having an au pair because of the flexibility, especially with older children who are in school or camp during the year.

Although neither my husband nor I are in c-suite roles, we both have jobs that are demanding enough that we each make around $350K ($700K combined) in our 30s with some room to grow. I can't imagine quitting my job and I can't imagine him quitting his job. I don't know what the secret is or if there is a secret. With every kid it is a leap of faith. And after you jump you figure out how and where you're going to land.

The problem is you’re likely sacrificing your marriage and your DH is sleeping with someone on the side.

[Anonymous]

Op here how would you suggest utilizing a nanny? We find daycare to have more hours and fit our personalities more (not having to deal with an employee and overtime).

I think day care is harder because most kids-especially younger sibs-get sick. Most daycares don't allow sick kids to attend. A second or third child often gets sick with whatever older sib brings home from preschool or school.

A nanny can also take care of an older child who has already started school by watching them when they get sick and aren't well enough to attend and on all those annoying half days and random days off.

Plus,having someone who comes to your home saves you time you'd otherwise spend dropping off your kids at daycare and getting them bundled up to go out n bad weather or in the future doing one drop off at school and one at daycare..

[Anonymous]

My career is messed up (perhaps salvageable as they start to leave home), but DH has a really, really big career and was constitutionally unable to lean back. The three kids are totally worth it, though. I almost wish I had more since my career is kaput anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are not a small side gig. They need more attention and hands-on time than those types of careers allow. I am a FT working mom of two who made a lot of sacrifices to be present as a parent, and just from an hours-per-kid-per-week perspective I was at the bare minimum. Three kids would have been too much. I speak as someone who has always worked and whose own parents were so career focused they really effed up my brother and me with their lack of attention and detachment from our daily lives.

It isn’t possible to have two careers like this and give 3 kids the attention they need. You need to essentially outsource a large % of their childhood.

It’s okay to like and focus on your career. You don’t have to have more children. It’s okay.

Idk kids aren’t home all that much with school/sports/socializing/etc.

[Anonymous]

People manage by having a nanny/au pair and/or having one or both parents scale back for periods of time. Sometimes combined with being an exceptional person with a high stress tolerance and low need for sleep and recharge time.