Is it ever OK to stay together "for the kids?"

[Anonymous]

What good is a dead mother? Your unstable husband would have them all to himself anyway. And then how would you assist them? through divine intervention?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - How much are you willing to pay for living a lie for years & years?

You obviusly aren't married or haven't been married for long if this is your advice for the OP. These situations are not easy, and they become much more complicated with kids in the mix. The only person I know who has mostly moved on from her divorce didn't have kids. People are talking about real situations that are complex and much more difficult than a few lines on a DCUM post can capture. Take, for example, the poster just above you. Do you think it was worth it to her for her parents to say, "Well, we know we put you through hell, but at least we weren't living a lie"? The answer is clearly no.

In my case, staying in my marriage is physically and mentally exhausting and may eventually kill me, but it would be far worse for the kids if we split because their father is unstable and would become only more so if we split. It's not a matter of "living a lie." I'm protecting my children at all costs, even if the price I eventually pay is my own health and sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had these issues early in our marriage. We also had issues revolving around food, sleep and work. We went to marriage counseling and got clear on expectations for ourselves and each other. No more waiting around to have dinner (since you want to have dinner with me), but "you're at the office till 10 and I need to eat at 7, thank you" kinds of things. I go so many places w/o my husband, people think I am single when we first meet. We have very individual lives in many respects, but we are a team for each other and the kid. Now going into year 22.

OP: you need to work on these issues together and I hope your DH agrees. He thinks you have expectations and he has expectations also. You both do. But you both need to face the baby change and adjust. Time to get these issues aired and sorted out. Don't despair yet. Hugs!

Do ppl really need counselors for this type of sh*t?!!! That is too funny. My DH works long hours. I WAh and have the MUCH easier work life. I willingly cook for him since he's been busting his a** about 5hours longer than I have----if I were hungry early I would eat and then have tiny meal or just wine with DH. I didn't need a counselor to tell me to eat earlier if I was hungry and couldn't wait.

I also give him free time on a Saturday or Sunday since I have a lot of free time WAH when the kids are in school. I don't get resentful or p*ssed, etc. Marriage is a partnership and I think when you realize it isn't always going to be a 50-50 split you will much much better off. Sometimes it is 75-25 in his favor...sometimes he is pulling more of the weight, it makes sense to be flexible. Don't let resentment build up and don't hold grudges.

I think PPL make so much sh*t out of minor issues these days and run at the first sign of any discord. The fact that he wants to see his friends...by all means divorce him. I relish the one night or so I send DH out with his friends...get to watch the movies he doesn't like and order in the mooshu pork he'd puke over. We gen. do go out together...but a little individual time is great as well.

[Anonymous]

"I think PPL make so much sh*t out of minor issues these days and run at the first sign of any discord. The fact that he wants to see his friends...by all means divorce him. I relish the one night or so I send DH out with his friends...get to watch the movies he doesn't like and order in the mooshu pork he'd puke over. We gen. do go out together...but a little individual time is great as well. :

Can you read? That's not what she said. She said she had no problem at all with him seeing his friends, that he just assumed she would have a problem.

[Anonymous]

I wish to God my parents had divorced when I was young. I grew up knowing that they shouldn't be together and the tension in the house was unbearable. It seriously breaks my heart that they didn't split and find the right person to be with. I feel like they wasted so many years. They finally divorced when I was 34.

[Anonymous]

"Do ppl really need counselors for this type of sh*t?!!! That is too funny. My DH works long hours. I WAh and have the MUCH easier work life. I willingly cook for him since he's been busting his a** about 5hours longer than I have----if I were hungry early I would eat and then have tiny meal or just wine with DH. I didn't need a counselor to tell me to eat earlier if I was hungry and couldn't wait."

Yes, people do need counselors. Why is that funny to you? There was more going on than just food. But I used it as an example because so many of these 'little things" when combined can cause resentment. Spouses do have expectations and so many people don't work them out and then their marriage founders. How we handled meals and other things cut to the heart of working out our relationship.

How many people have posted here about the fact that they feel cornered now that they have kids or resent DHs who doen't do their share of child care and their arguments escalate or they feel isolated and stressed.

Your sarcastic post is unwarranted. Maybe I did not choose the best example and maybe you slid into married life without conflicts, but I have met very few people who do. And sometimes resolving smaller conflicts allow us to work on the really big ones: like my DH agreeing to walk away from his Washington power job to follow me 12,000 to another country with no job prospects and one income.

And in the intervening years, he's changed careers and taken over the cooking because I really dislike it. So he doesn't expect me to eat with him anymore and I am not playing house. We weren't in counseling long, but it sure helps to have a neutral party. And that was my message to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents stayed together for us kids. I knew it, even as a child, but was glad then and am still glad they did. I will also add, that as they aged and as we children got older and then left the house, their marriage changed a lot. There were some very rough patches, but in the end I think they truly grew a deep love and friendship for one another.

I also want to echo PP who told you not to cave so easily. It sounds like you guys really need to talk to one another and that counseling of some kind might not be a bad idea.

Same here..my parents stayed together for us and we knew it. There marriage was terrible but we were kids and therefore very happy that they were together. They separated after we were all out of the house and that was awful....we were constantly put in the middle, made to feel guilty when with the other, caught between their both wanting to be w/ us on special days but not if the the other was there or w/ their sig. other. UGH. It was awful when I was 30...can't imagine the horror of it if I were only 7, 10 or 13. I believe the research supports my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - How much are you willing to pay for living a lie for years & years?

You obviusly aren't married or haven't been married for long if this is your advice for the OP. These situations are not easy, and they become much more complicated with kids in the mix. The only person I know who has mostly moved on from her divorce didn't have kids. People are talking about real situations that are complex and much more difficult than a few lines on a DCUM post can capture. Take, for example, the poster just above you. Do you think it was worth it to her for her parents to say, "Well, we know we put you through hell, but at least we weren't living a lie"? The answer is clearly no.

In my case, staying in my marriage is physically and mentally exhausting and may eventually kill me, but it would be far worse for the kids if we split because their father is unstable and would become only more so if we split. It's not a matter of "living a lie." I'm protecting my children at all costs, even if the price I eventually pay is my own health and sanity.

Wow. I could have written this post. I'm in the same position. If I leave, the children will have unsupervised visitation or worse, 50/50 custody with an unstable, potentially dangerous dad, although he loves them very much. I am in a much better position to protect them and esp as they get older, mitigate the emotional damage and negative influence if I am always in the same house as my children. You see, he's not so pathological that he would need supervised visitation or lose custody (does that EVER happen w/o proven sex abuse?) And sometimes, he is actually really wonderful with them. But I need to be with them to protect them from him and help them process when he is not wonderful. Staying with him is unhealthy for me, sucks for me and is not good for the kids in term of giving them a peaceful house w/ loving parents. Leaving..better for me, but unhealthy, possibly dangerous for the kids and they still only live in a peaceful house 50% of the time anyway.

There is no good solution, degrees of bad.

[Anonymous]

OP, whether you get divorced or stay together, you are going to need to improve your communication if you don't want to expose your kid to unnecessary tension. Why not get counseling and see if it helps the marriage? Even if it doesn't, it will help you have a much more functional divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're asking the wrong question and I think the previous posters are all answering their own internal warped views of the questions and justifying their own experiences. This is not about whether marriages in general can go on for the kids. This is about YOUR marriage and YOUR situation, not about any or all marriages.

From what you've said, it doesn't seem to me that you have really tried to save things and make things better. Maybe this is through counseling, maybe it is through making a practical arrangement for DH to go out one night a week on his own, maybe it's by making your own effort to make some local friends so that he doesn't feel like he has to be the only source of support for you. Try to find a solution before you throw in the towel!

And if you are depressed, and it sounds like you might be, don't rule out counseling for yourself either.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my husband's parents divorced when he was six months old, and today he is seriously the happiest, most well-adjusted person I've ever met. His parents were just in two different places in their lives (from what we've learned) and I can't imagine that it ever would have worked out between them. But they both did their best to give him a happy childhood and actually, I think that it made him someone is good at adjusting to lots of different environments and situations. It also made him more independent at an earlier age, which served him well in life.

Bottom line: As others have said, I truly believe that you should make this decision based on your relationship with your husband, not on your speculation about the damage it may or may not have on your DC. Because that part is totally unpredictable. Good luck, OP. Whatever decision you make, things will be okay.