Is it ever OK to stay together "for the kids?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, who knows maybe after years pass and the children are gone, when you are retired and financially secure, and ego issues are behind us, you just might rekindle the love the you both once enjoyed. Even if that does not occur you'll have enjoyed the love and companionship of your children, and in the short term thats enough.

LOL!

[Anonymous]

OP - How much are you willing to pay for living a lie for years & years?

[Anonymous]

www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/MythsDivorce.pdf

When parents don’t get along, are children better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together?

A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise. While it found that parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring. In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce—and the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type—the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages it is better for children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.

Paul R. Amato and Alan Booth, A Generation at Risk (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1997)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - How much are you willing to pay for living a lie for years & years?

You obviusly aren't married or haven't been married for long if this is your advice for the OP. These situations are not easy, and they become much more complicated with kids in the mix. The only person I know who has mostly moved on from her divorce didn't have kids. People are talking about real situations that are complex and much more difficult than a few lines on a DCUM post can capture. Take, for example, the poster just above you. Do you think it was worth it to her for her parents to say, "Well, we know we put you through hell, but at least we weren't living a lie"? The answer is clearly no.

In my case, staying in my marriage is physically and mentally exhausting and may eventually kill me, but it would be far worse for the kids if we split because their father is unstable and would become only more so if we split. It's not a matter of "living a lie." I'm protecting my children at all costs, even if the price I eventually pay is my own health and sanity.

[Anonymous]

http://www.scu.edu/ethics/publications/iie/v9n2/divorce.html

[Anonymous]

"In my case, staying in my marriage is physically and mentally exhausting and may eventually kill me, but it would be far worse for the kids if we split because their father is unstable and would become only more so if we split. It's not a matter of "living a lie." I'm protecting my children at all costs, even if the price I eventually pay is my own health and sanity. "

Oh, brother! Another martyr!
Slowly killing yourself and leaving your kids with an unstable father are wise choices?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"In my case, staying in my marriage is physically and mentally exhausting and may eventually kill me, but it would be far worse for the kids if we split because their father is unstable and would become only more so if we split. It's not a matter of "living a lie." I'm protecting my children at all costs, even if the price I eventually pay is my own health and sanity. "

Oh, brother! Another martyr!
Slowly killing yourself and leaving your kids with an unstable father are wise choices?

Yes, they are. They are the best option I've got. Every one of the medical professionals who support me know the score. But if you ever want to trade places so I can live in your life where everything is so perfect and black and white so I can be flip and judgmental and bitchy about other people's situations and you can find out what it's like to be in a situation with no good options and actually get a clue, please let me know.

[Anonymous]

"Every one of the medical professionals who support me know the score."

And the medical professionals who don't support you?

There is something fishy about your story. I'm still calling martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/MythsDivorce.pdf

When parents don’t get along, are children better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together?

A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise. While it found that parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring. In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce—and the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type—the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages it is better for children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.

Paul R. Amato and Alan Booth, A Generation at Risk (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1997)

Isn't this the issue, though? There is a difference between working out your problems versus casually divorcing, and continuing in a marriage where the problems HAVE NOT been worked out, but you stay there anyway. Divorcing because of minor dissatisfaction or boredom, without efort to fix it: wrong. Divorcing because you have fundamental and intractable problems in your marriage resulting in two unhappy parents and a bad example of a relationship for your children - much better than leaving your kids to learn that marriage is an unhealthy, miserable, soul-killing institution.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I think that if the parents can get along in the same house and they decide to stay married, then they can do that. Me, I don't think I could do that. I think there's bound to be tension and the kids are bound to pick up on it. Yes, in the short run, kids don't like change. But in the long run, I think they'd rather have two happy (divorced) parents than two unhappy (together in name only) parents. My daughter's never had two parents in the same house and she's doing great. The split happened before she was born, and she spends time at mom's house and dad's house and is happy either place. Yes, it's harder financially to run two households, and yes, it's harder timewise because generally the mom is going to get more custody and have less time to get stuff done than she might have before. But frankly, I think if you really did split, you'd be better off doing it now, while your child is young and doesn't know better.

In your case, though, I think you might be getting ahead of yourself. Sounds like he feels guilty that he wants to go out and you don't. Chances are, this extrovert/introvert thing between you is nothing new. Maybe one of you was suppressing your real self to be in the relationship before, I don't know - has this come up before? If so, why do you think it hasn't? If you are fine with him going out without you, make sure he knows that. Just don't say "ok" and act passive-aggressively later on because you're not ok with it - that doesn't help anyone.

(BTW, I find this interesting because you guys are the opposites of one of my friends - she's the extrovert and he's the introvert and she does feel boxed in sometimes because he doesn't have friends and she ends up staying home all the time to keep him company.)

[Anonymous]

But marriage is an intrinsically (for women) unhealthy, miserable, soul-killing solution. I am hoping to discourage my daughters from falling into the same trap through my cringe-inducing example.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like he has more issues with himself than with you. It's a tough transition to go from happy-go-lucky socializing to having a kid. My DH does the same thing to me, and I scold him for assuming that I'd be unsupportive! But REALLY the issue is, he knows he's needed at home, and he is struggling with his own desire to socialize outside the house, vs. being home to support his family. I don't think he's depressed - I think he's just conflicted. (Of course as you say, this isn't the only issue, so my perspective is limited.)

As others have said, this is only a rough patch (even if it's the icing on the cake to you), and you guys just need to give each other some space and work through it. Let DH go on a 'mancation'. Try not to deny him of anything - if he wants McD's for dinner, just go along with it. He's feeling like he's losing control of his life, and he's taking it out on you - even though the only one to blame is the baby, but who can blame a baby?

Yes this on top of everything is asking a lot of you. I know. Call your mom, spend time with family if you can (especially if you're not working - take a week and go visit your parents, with the baby), and call your out-of-town friends regularly. Lean on others because you need it right now. Go for walks. Do yoga. Get out of the house at night or on weekends by yourself. Whatever you need.

Also, plan a date night every week with DH - even if it's just meeting for lunch. Make him remember how things were before the baby and put in the effort to keep you both connected sans-kid.

If there's one thing I've learned from my mother and my MIL, is sometimes things suck, and you have to strongarm your way through your marriage and work like hell when the one thing you want to do is kick him in the nuts and move out. Depending on your DH, you might be better either confronting him about his issues and pointing out that you are close to your breaking point and you need his support to get through this, or just giving him some space. But in another year or two, the baby will be more of a little person, and DH will WANT to hang out with his family more than ever.

[Anonymous]

If the two of you have completely different values and want completely different things out of life, and you know you never should have gotten married in the first place, then divorcing is probably the answer. My parents were this way and I spent most childhood wishing they'd get divorced already.

Nothing you posted indicated this is the case. Try to work through your issues and exhaust all options before quitting. You owe your kid that much.

[Anonymous]

"But in another year or two, the baby will be more of a little person, and DH will WANT to hang out with his family more than ever."

Or not.

[Anonymous]

We had these issues early in our marriage. We also had issues revolving around food, sleep and work. We went to marriage counseling and got clear on expectations for ourselves and each other. No more waiting around to have dinner (since you want to have dinner with me), but "you're at the office till 10 and I need to eat at 7, thank you" kinds of things.

I go so many places w/o my husband, people think I am single when we first meet. We have very individual lives in many respects, but we are a team for each other and the kid. Now going into year 22.

OP: you need to work on these issues together and I hope your DH agrees. He thinks you have expectations and he has expectations also. You both do. But you both need to face the baby change and adjust. Time to get these issues aired and sorted out. Don't despair yet. Hugs!