Is it ever OK to stay together "for the kids?"

[Anonymous]

Divorce is very difficult, as is being a single parent. It should be a last resort, so unless things are truly at a low, I advocate trying to work it out or at least take some intermediate steps before splitting up. It sounds to me like you don't communicate well and maybe you also need to see an individual therapist. Plus, as others have said, young children bring a lot of stress and strain on a marriage, if the issues between you two are relatively recent, that is significant.

as for the better/worse to stay together for the kids: my parents stayed together and ultimately divorced. The latter sucked, but I'm not sure staying together was so great. My stepchild's parents got divorced at a very early age (for the child) and it's been a very, very difficult process which had a large negative impact. Note very child will react that way, and it depends on how the parents handle it, but you're kidding yourself if you think it's not a big deal, or the child will get over it easily. Obviously in households that are truly dysfunctional--violent, verbally or physically abusive, issues with drugs or alcohol, etc--its better to leave, but if it's a question of "personal fulfillment" and communication issues, I advocate trying to work it out.

[Anonymous]

Sure, who knows maybe after years pass and the children are gone, when you are retired and financially secure, and ego issues are behind us, you just might rekindle the love the you both once enjoyed. Even if that does not occur you'll have enjoyed the love and companionship of your children, and in the short term thats enough.

[Anonymous]

A simple google search turns up:

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/26714.php

http://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/main/painful-legacy-of-divorce-breakups-effect-on-children-often-reaches-far-into-adulthood/menu-id-63/

http://parenting247.org/article.cfm?ContentID=646

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=Hgt5xVknkfgC&oi=fnd&pg=PA147&dq=children+of+divorced+parents&ots=Y2LLbpLjtU&sig=YAGM32cT6WCrX7esdrbRkmv8A8k#v=onepage&q=children%20of%20divorced%20parents&f=false

Okay, I have read the first two atricles, and really? That's evidence to you? The first researcher concluded that children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce - this doesn't mean it is "better" for the children if their parents stay together - it may mean only that children of still-together parents find themselves in the same trap and don't feel they're allowed to escape. Oh, and the first article also noted that most children of divorced parents marry when they are teens. Um, what? How did I manage to wait until I was 30, being the product of a broken home? I should have wed a minimum of 11 years earlier, I guess.

The second report is also pretty ridiculous - the researcher claims that ALL of her test subjects told her that "the day my parents divorced was the day my childhood ended." What a sad group of subjects she must have had. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old, and I continued to have a childhood for the next ten years (well, longer than that, really).

Divorce isn't easy on anyone, but it is not correct to say that kids from non-divorced families are "better off" because they have lower divorce rates as adults or better financial situations as children. There is not much discussion being had about the mind-screwing results of witnessing a loveless marriage as your primary example of a "good" adult relationship. THAT is an issue that should be addressed, but isn't, because it doesn't fit the researchers' bias that divorce is bad, marriage is good.

[Anonymous]

What evidence are you using? studies? personal experience?

Happy parents make happy kids. And if parents are happier apart, then the kids will benefit. No one does well in an unhealthy environment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is fair for anyone to stay together for your children. I think it is more important that the parents are happy (separated or together) and the child is happy.

This is what people tell themselves. In fact all the evidence suggests that, except in situations of high-conflict, it is better for the children if the parents stay together.

[Anonymous]

Please - you can date them back to the 1500s. I think time's have changed:

"I _____ take thee_____ to be my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance."

Then the Bride would return with, I _____ take thee _____ to be my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer of for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance.

Note that that man didn't have to "obey."

Anonymous wrote:You did say wedding vows at your wedding right?

"For better or for worse, till death do us part"...Do those vows mean nothing to society anymore??

[Anonymous]

WAIT, OP

I nearly divorced my husband after DC1. For the first 2 years after his birth, all the little flaws in our couple-hood that had not been important before were magnified to nearly unbearable proportions.

Then we grew into our new mature selves: more respectful of each other's needs.

Now DC2 is 3 months old, and although we still have some maturing to do, I bet we will make it without calling lawyers

Hang in there. Talk to each other and agree to each put in a 100% in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Child of divorce here. I was three when the divorce was finalized. I've felt like an outsider, step-child for all of my life, and it sucks. Work on your marriage and get your husband to buy in, too. It's important and a whole lot more than a piece of paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 11:40. My parents divorced when I was 19, but should have divorced when I was about 5 or so. They weren't fighters/abusive/etc, however, it was pretty obvious that they just weren't in love. They have both re-married and I wish they had the opportunity to have done it earlier and I could have seen them happier for far longer. As a consequence, my sister and I grew up with a very warped sense of 'love' and relationships and both of us have had therapy to work this out. To go 14 years or so witnessing people are merely polite ( and it will get to that for you if you don't address it ) in a marriage is not what I would want for my own children. Good luck to you.

Co-signing this -- right down to the parents who divorced 14 years later than they should have. No, there was never any physical abuse, but wow did I hate coming home after school...And the thing was, I KNEW they were both staying together for me, even though they were miserable. That's a lot of guilt to lay on the shoulders of a child. After their divorce, my parents were like 2 completely different people -- they were actually happy! My parents have also remarried, and I too wish they could have found joy earlier in their lives.

OP, I do hope your marriage can work, but in my experience, life was much better with 2 happy, divorced parents.

[Anonymous]

I think about this question a lot, OP. My DH and I both have parents who are still married, mine mostly happily and his unhappily. We have a fairly rocky marriage ourselves. Sometimes I wonder if Jeff, the moderator of this site, laughs himself silly when he sees my optimistic posts encouraging people to stick with it followed a few months later by my vent posts. I don't really think he has that kind of time (or that I'm that interesting), but it still surprises me how often and how sharply the pendulum swings in my marriage.

What I have come down to is this (and this is what I decided for me, not for anybody else): If the kids still see him as a good father, and they seem to be happy, and he is not doing anything to hurt them (which has not always been true; he had a fairly serious alcohol issue for awhile and was pretty scary, but I think (?) that's behind us), then I stay. I don't think my happiness gets to be the be-all and end-all.

Sometimes when the pendulum is in a down loop (sorry for the mixed metaphor), and I see the strain on me, and I know I am shorter with the kids, I do wonder how long I can keep up the charade. It's an exhausting dance - together, apart, together, apart, I love you, I hate you, maybe I can grow old with you, maybe this relationship will kill me - ugh. There are no easy answers, and I hope I am doing the right thing for my kids. That's all any of us can hope.

[Anonymous]

Another child of divorce. All of you who think it is so much better for the kids to have happy parents? Are you willing to allow your spouse to have 100 percent custody of the kids? Because as a child, I didn't really grieve over the fact that my parents were divorced after a few years went by (they divorced when I was 5). I did, however, feel out of place and unhappy getting handed off back and forth between parents. I HATED it. I still hate having to run my ass around town to accomodate everyone at Christmas. I still hate many of the things about it. My parents divorced right about when they "should" have, according to many of you. But what's so interesting is that maybe what they "should' have done is do something to work on the marriage? I love my step parents, but it seems to me the fact that my folks get along with their second husbands and wives better than each other is that they grew up a bit. It doesn't seem to have as much to do with changing partners. They both admit this. I agree, staying in a truly dead marriage for the kids is probably not right. But working your ass off to save a marriage for the kids? It's the right thing to do. The vows mean something.

And OP, you do sound depressed. Post partum depression can strike long after baby is born! How are you sleeping? And your husband sounds like he's going through some things as well. He does not sound especially kind of supportive of you, but I'm sure, as you say, there are many more things. You should tell him how seriously unsettled you feel and that you both need to start putting 100 percent of yourselves into your marriage.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think about this question a lot, OP. My DH and I both have parents who are still married, mine mostly happily and his unhappily. We have a fairly rocky marriage ourselves. Sometimes I wonder if Jeff, the moderator of this site, laughs himself silly when he sees my optimistic posts encouraging people to stick with it followed a few months later by my vent posts. I don't really think he has that kind of time (or that I'm that interesting), but it still surprises me how often and how sharply the pendulum swings in my marriage.

What I have come down to is this (and this is what I decided for me, not for anybody else): If the kids still see him as a good father, and they seem to be happy, and he is not doing anything to hurt them (which has not always been true; he had a fairly serious alcohol issue for awhile and was pretty scary, but I think (?) that's behind us), then I stay. I don't think my happiness gets to be the be-all and end-all.

Sometimes when the pendulum is in a down loop (sorry for the mixed metaphor), and I see the strain on me, and I know I am shorter with the kids, I do wonder how long I can keep up the charade. It's an exhausting dance - together, apart, together, apart, I love you, I hate you, maybe I can grow old with you, maybe this relationship will kill me - ugh. There are no easy answers, and I hope I am doing the right thing for my kids. That's all any of us can hope.

19:37 here. This is so true for many couples! Not necessarily unhealthy either, if you show the children that love and marriage is a partnership that has ups and downs, but that in the end the team is stronger together than apart. Apart from that one episode years ago when I actually talked to divorce lawyer, all our other battles have been waged strictly with the long-haul in mind. As in, "I loathe you right now, but I actually wouldn't be happy living without you".

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you OP. Marriage and parenting take work. My DD is almost 4 and is very much in the princess stage and boy are those stories a pile of BS... happily ever after is such a farce.

As I said my DD is almost 4 and I can not count how many times DH and I have talked about getting a divorce, how many times I've looked at him and thought "what the hell was I thinking", how many times I've wished I had a magic wand to just poof- make him go away. BUT- DH is a wonderful father and the light of my DD's life. AND- I'm starting to think he's not so bad, afterall. It's been 4 very LONG years. I've done a lot of self refection as well and decided areas that are non-negotiable and areas that i need to just let go.

There is hope for us and there is hope for you. Have a child is so, so tough on a marriage but you will figure it out. It's going to take work, and a lot of biting your tongue- so to speak. You'll figure out balance that works for you...

[Anonymous]

Agree w other posters...it can be tough after baby for a bit. My DC is now almost 2 and im finally remembering why i married my husband. Hes truly an amazing Dad but I forgot for a long time why we were together. We bickered and annoyed each other non stop. Its finally getting better and we are remembering what brought us together in the first place. I also rec a good counselor. All that said, My parents stayed together for 20 years for us kids. It was awful, stressful and created a lot of problems my siblings and I will probably always have to work on. My parents became better parents...even better people...the moment they separated. So it all depends what's going on in your household. Work on the marriage if it makes sense...but if things are crazy at home, don't think that living in a crazy stressed out home is better for your kid just because you're together. In the long run, the most important thing is giving you child a peaceful and happy home along with peaceful and happy parents...whether in the same house or apart.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, where are the studies on how children raised in households with emotionally dead marriages and unhappy parents compare with children who are raised by divorced but happier parents? Witnessing a loveless emotional wasteland cannot be ideal for a child's emotional development. I'd rather have some rough years of childhood angst but grow into an adult who understands what a loving relationship really looks like - not just marry into the same distaster that my still-married parents did, and stay in that disaster because I'd been raised to believe that a life devoid of true intimacy and affection is to be expected.

All that said - to the OP: I agree wholeheartedly with the many PPs who have suggested counseling. It is certainly worth trying HARD to make a marriage work - but if it doesn't actually work, I see more harm than good in raising your child in a bubble of dysfuction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child of divorce here. I was three when the divorce was finalized. I've felt like an outsider, step-child for all of my life, and it sucks. Work on your marriage and get your husband to buy in, too. It's important and a whole lot more than a piece of paper.

Another child of divorce (my parents split when I was 4). What went from splitting because they'd grown apart blossomed into a nightmare 15 YEARS of nasty court fights and bitterness. Yeah, that divorce worked out great for the kids.

If it's broken, but can get better with some work, do it. For every civil divorce story, there are plenty of nasty stories. And it's a terrible way to grow up.