We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.

NP. Disagree. It is much harder when they start doing extracurricular activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.

I disagree. Daycare years are the best it will ever be. Schools are always closing, out of session and have short hours.

You can't just kick the can down the road.

+1 little kid years are the easiest

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.

I disagree. Daycare years are the best it will ever be. Schools are always closing, out of session and have short hours.

You can't just kick the can down the road.

+1 little kid years are the easiest

They are the easiest in terms of logistics and routine but also the most boring.

[Anonymous]

You have to hire more people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.

I disagree. Daycare years are the best it will ever be. Schools are always closing, out of session and have short hours.

You can't just kick the can down the road.

+1 little kid years are the easiest

They are the easiest in terms of logistics and routine but also the most boring.

Completely disagree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine is a partner in big law. When his kids were young, he had a hard stop in the office at 5pm. From 5-8pm, he was unavailable. He would get online at 8pm and finish whatever work he needed to do. He clearly communicated his boundaries, people understood and respected them.

It's unfortunate this isn't the norm.

My husband in big law does this, but he leaves the office at 3 to pick up one of our kids and is on the phone from 3-6, usually. He is always available to help. Your husband needs more flexibility. Also, this is going to get harder - sorry I hate people who do this but it’s true - with increased activities like sports etc. that will come up. You need him on board now.

[Anonymous]

I will note that toddlers are just exhausting. They just are. So that may be a huge part of it.

[Anonymous]

What do you do, OP? Sad to say, but these days, in this area, 100K isn't much, especially working 40 hours per work. A lot of these "outsource it" recommendations are going to be tough at an HHI of 270k in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s putting too much on you. Tell him you will have to go part time if he doesn’t do x , y, and z and he specific.

He's not putting too much on her. His job is a more-than-40-hours a week job, and so he physically cannot be there for mornings and the immediate after school tasks. That's not dumping stuff on her. That's just the realities of a job that is paying 2/3 of their household costs.

If she finds doing the morning and after-aftercare routine by herself is too hard, she needs to outsource some of it. That's an easy solution.

But shes doing more than 2/3 of childcare and household responsibilities so hes still getting the easy side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your position and it turned out my now ex was fully exploiting me and taking advantage of my obvious and understandable distraction. But it was all my fault of course!

Then he cheated and I divorced him. Not what he wanted or expected.

This current situation is full of red flags. Start looking at your finances now.

Oh stop. There are no red flags, just the reality of two working parents including one in finance.

I suggest paring back on everything, no activities. After school nanny instead of after care. Plus, perhaps you can look for a new job OP.

I totally disagree. All jumped out at me:

Guy is making $160K and doing no drop off, no pick up, and no dinner. Unless he’s on a strict upward trajectory in finance and this is only temporary, he’s not making enough money to justify being this checked out.

He still prioritizes workers while OP is drowning.

His response to all this is to say he “regrets having kids”.

None of this is good.

Talking about regrets, all-or-nothing attitude, rigidity, refusal to problem-solves, are hallmarks of depression. As is being really self-focused.

He needs to accept that he doesn't earn enough money to behave like this. It's hard for some men to wrap their heads around that disappointment, but it is what it is.

Yep, he’s treating OP like a SAHM except he doesn’t make that kind of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.

NP. Disagree. It is much harder when they start doing extracurricular activities.

+1000

OP I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this problem will soon get worse. Can DH get home earlier and logon after kid bedtime or on the weekends to catch up? Otherwise- I like the nanny idea if you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s putting too much on you. Tell him you will have to go part time if he doesn’t do x , y, and z and he specific.

He's not putting too much on her. His job is a more-than-40-hours a week job, and so he physically cannot be there for mornings and the immediate after school tasks. That's not dumping stuff on her. That's just the realities of a job that is paying 2/3 of their household costs.

If she finds doing the morning and after-aftercare routine by herself is too hard, she needs to outsource some of it. That's an easy solution.

But shes doing more than 2/3 of childcare and household responsibilities so hes still getting the easy side.

If he's working 2 more hours a day AND comes home and jumps right in on childcare, then I'd say they are splitting pretty evenly. OP didn't say he was one of those layabout dads who just sits around the house while she does everything. She said he comes home later than her, and then they split the putting to bed work.

Assuming his job does in fact require those hours (which OP isn't disputing; in fact, she suggested he get a different easier job), then I'd argue HE is contributing more than OP, because they are both "working" the same number of hours per day (when you take into account job-hours and childcare/house-hours), only he is making almost double her salary. His side of the story is probably that he wishes OP made more money. $100k is starting salaries out of college these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have few options
-He gets a big job, works the long hours and makes enough money for you to stay at home (300k? since you're already making 270k)
-You hire a nanny instead of daycare.
-He pushes back on work. There's no reason he can't leave at 4:30 or 5. If he gets in at 7, that's a 9.5 or 10 hour day! If he won't do that, he needs to do kid drop off. He can workout on his lunch hour.

Men often use work as an excuse to not be home during the worst hours of the day with kids: 5-7pm. Everyone knows those are the hard hours and it's a lot to get dinner on the table while they scream when there's only one parent.

Yep. Agree entirely.

[Anonymous]

Hire help. And I say this as someone with a two-career, three-kid household with no help. My husband makes over 200k but is the primary parent to our youngest, who needs the most hands-on attention, and does the laundry. I cook and attend to the older kids. We clean as we go.

This is only possible because my husband only works 8.5 hours a day (as do I). If either of us had a long-hours job I recognize we would need to hire help.

[Anonymous]

Does DH really need to work out every single day? Can be work out in the evenings? And at what time is he waking up? The hours/day and arriving home at 6 don’t really add up otherwise unless he has a long commute.

IME men are not as good as we are at multitasking and managing their time wisely (and some do this on purpose to avoid responsibilities at home, as someone else said).

That said, it is a tough time regardless. No one wants to be or should have to be nitpicking their spouse about downtime (and everyone deserves some).