How do you deal with family criticism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah. Then make it clear that your kid felt a strong connection to their school, while also making it clear that your kid knew about other options (and didn't just pick the first school where there was a fun tour).

Especially if you can point out things they were drawn to, like "Jane loved the new high-tech science building at School X, plus the fact that she could double-major in neuroscience and Japanese."

If Rude Person mentions Elite School X, say "Oh, sure, we looked into it* — but Chosen School was the best match."

(*even if you never actually toured)

Helpful, thanks. It's definitely a very specific program they can't get at the other schools. Which...they know and still disagree with, but whatever.

I really do not understand why you are allowing any further questions from them. Shut it down, do not let your child hear about it, and be thankful this seems to be the first decision they are questioning that is absolutely none of their business.

We are trying, but what prompted this was FIL emailing DH last night to ask if DC couldn't possibly be persuaded to consider [other school] instead. No doesn't work on these people.

Ooh, I would be so tempted to write back a ton of snark. Ignoring doesn't work, they'll just repeat themselves. Your husband has to call his father directly and tell him *firmly* that he doesn't want to hear one more word on the subject again, unless it's supportive of his grandchild, because Grandpa knows nothing about the current university landscape and is vastly overstepping. In an offended tone.

[Anonymous]

Ignore negative people, don't even waste time responding to them. Redirect the conversation. Congrats to your kid!

[Anonymous]

I said to a family member they we would welcome their opinion if they were willing to pay for DC college. And until then please just congratulate DC on the acceptances received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah. Then make it clear that your kid felt a strong connection to their school, while also making it clear that your kid knew about other options (and didn't just pick the first school where there was a fun tour).

Especially if you can point out things they were drawn to, like "Jane loved the new high-tech science building at School X, plus the fact that she could double-major in neuroscience and Japanese."

If Rude Person mentions Elite School X, say "Oh, sure, we looked into it* — but Chosen School was the best match."

(*even if you never actually toured)

Helpful, thanks. It's definitely a very specific program they can't get at the other schools. Which...they know and still disagree with, but whatever.

This is a useful fact to throw back at the rude people: "So why do you think DC should apply to a school that doesn't offer their major?"

[Anonymous]

OP, rude is unacceptable. Family do not get a pass.
Next time .. in your next life, or next college application season ... consider that you are likely sharing tooo much.

If you have talked and talked and ruminated and made all of this a point of conversation, they are just continuing this trajectory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I wasn't clear that DC didn't even APPLY to the higher tier schools, because they weren't interested. These friends and family can't wrap their minds around that. So it's less of them not understanding modern admissions and more of them not understand why DC would self-select into a "lessor" school. And I really have no idea how to reply to that beside, "That's what they wanted." Which clearly isn't working.

I don’t believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I wasn't clear that DC didn't even APPLY to the higher tier schools, because they weren't interested. These friends and family can't wrap their minds around that. So it's less of them not understanding modern admissions and more of them not understand why DC would self-select into a "lessor" school. And I really have no idea how to reply to that beside, "That's what they wanted." Which clearly isn't working.

I don’t believe you.

I believe OP, bc we had a really hard time finding reaches for my kid. She applied to only one reach under urging from counselor. The rest targets or safeties. Sometimes it’s like this. Believe it or don’t.

[Anonymous]

I think just a short, incredulous laugh, and then, "Larla is THRILLED with her acceptance to ___ and so are we!" If they continue to criticize, even subtly, then they have a real problem and you should turn your back and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares?

Move on if you're not interested in a thread.

Lol, I think “who cares” is a pretty good response to someone saying “But What About Harvard??”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I wasn't clear that DC didn't even APPLY to the higher tier schools, because they weren't interested. These friends and family can't wrap their minds around that. So it's less of them not understanding modern admissions and more of them not understand why DC would self-select into a "lessor" school. And I really have no idea how to reply to that beside, "That's what they wanted." Which clearly isn't working.

I don’t believe you.

I believe OP, bc we had a really hard time finding reaches for my kid. She applied to only one reach under urging from counselor. The rest targets or safeties. Sometimes it’s like this. Believe it or don’t.

That’s not the part I don’t believe. I don’t believe she’s getting this much flack from so many family members and friends. I just don’t buy it. I’ve said this in the past and ruffled her feathers and she reported me and had it deleted, but I think much of this is in her head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah. Then make it clear that your kid felt a strong connection to their school, while also making it clear that your kid knew about other options (and didn't just pick the first school where there was a fun tour).

Especially if you can point out things they were drawn to, like "Jane loved the new high-tech science building at School X, plus the fact that she could double-major in neuroscience and Japanese."

If Rude Person mentions Elite School X, say "Oh, sure, we looked into it* — but Chosen School was the best match."

(*even if you never actually toured)

Helpful, thanks. It's definitely a very specific program they can't get at the other schools. Which...they know and still disagree with, but whatever.

I really do not understand why you are allowing any further questions from them. Shut it down, do not let your child hear about it, and be thankful this seems to be the first decision they are questioning that is absolutely none of their business.

We are trying, but what prompted this was FIL emailing DH last night to ask if DC couldn't possibly be persuaded to consider [other school] instead. No doesn't work on these people.

First, not every email requires a response. If they’re re-petitioning for something after you’ve already said no, just hit delete.

This is an issue of boundaries. Set yours clearly, and then repeat the same line over and over again. “It’s a done deal. We’re all thrilled with DC’s choice.” No defensiveness. Simple statements. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

That’s it. Don’t try to explain. It’s clear they’re not trying to “understand” - they’re trying to “persuade” your DC to do something s/he does not want to do. See it for what it is, and do not engage.

Finally, trust your DC. At this age, our kids are remarkably attuned to (and judgmental of) adults’ BS. If their grandparent (or other adult in their life) persists with this type of behavior, ii highly doubt it will undermine your DC’s enthusiasm for their choice or their self confidence, more generally. (They’re clearly self-directed, so cheers to them!!) It’s only going to hurt the grandparent’s relationship with DC. #NaturalConsequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, rude is unacceptable. Family do not get a pass.
Next time .. in your next life, or next college application season ... consider that you are likely sharing tooo much.

If you have talked and talked and ruminated and made all of this a point of conversation, they are just continuing this trajectory.

You can’t really not tell the grandparents what their grandchild’s college plans are. You just have to make clear you are informing them not consulting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, rude is unacceptable. Family do not get a pass.
Next time .. in your next life, or next college application season ... consider that you are likely sharing tooo much.

If you have talked and talked and ruminated and made all of this a point of conversation, they are just continuing this trajectory.

You can’t really not tell the grandparents what their grandchild’s college plans are. You just have to make clear you are informing them not consulting them.

I would share nothing with most people but as PP said, grandparents are tough. After the fact, I would just lie (or maybe it’s the truth) and say DS never applied there. So, of course it’s not an option!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I wasn't clear that DC didn't even APPLY to the higher tier schools, because they weren't interested. These friends and family can't wrap their minds around that. So it's less of them not understanding modern admissions and more of them not understand why DC would self-select into a "lessor" school. And I really have no idea how to reply to that beside, "That's what they wanted." Which clearly isn't working.

I don’t believe you.

I believe OP, bc we had a really hard time finding reaches for my kid. She applied to only one reach under urging from counselor. The rest targets or safeties. Sometimes it’s like this. Believe it or don’t.

That’s not the part I don’t believe. I don’t believe she’s getting this much flack from so many family members and friends. I just don’t buy it. I’ve said this in the past and ruffled her feathers and she reported me and had it deleted, but I think much of this is in her head.

Could be. But sometimes even loving family members get way too wrapped up in brag rights. My elder chose a T15 merit aid over being full pay at — is WASP the acronym? — and a family member couldn’t let it go. Even years into the experience, kept bringing it up. I suppose that could be in my head too, who knows. But one doesn’t have to stray too far in this forum to see that people have deep sensitivities to truly minute differences in prestige.

[Anonymous]

Tell those family members to EAD. What's so hard about that?