How do you deal with family criticism?

[Anonymous]

"Wow. Can you try and be happy or supportive for the decision that has been made?"

[Anonymous]

So many people without kids in this age range have ZERO idea how unpredictable admissions have become — where a 1550 SAT, a 4.0, good extracurriculars, and even being full-pay doesn't automatically mean admission to any school considered "elite."

And once you actually look into schools: Many considered "less than elite" by old snobs (including lots of DCUM commenters) have excellent professors, great student life, great research opportunities, great internship help, etc. All the things a smart, practical kid would want.

To friends and family who are offering rude, unsolicited comments like this, how about: "It's clear you're not up to speed about the modern admissions process. School X is an excellent match for Larla, and we're all very happy with it."

[Anonymous]

I guess I wasn't clear that DC didn't even APPLY to the higher tier schools, because they weren't interested. These friends and family can't wrap their minds around that. So it's less of them not understanding modern admissions and more of them not understand why DC would self-select into a "lessor" school. And I really have no idea how to reply to that beside, "That's what they wanted." Which clearly isn't working.

[Anonymous]

Ah. Then make it clear that your kid felt a strong connection to their school, while also making it clear that your kid knew about other options (and didn't just pick the first school where there was a fun tour).

Especially if you can point out things they were drawn to, like "Jane loved the new high-tech science building at School X, plus the fact that she could double-major in neuroscience and Japanese."

If Rude Person mentions Elite School X, say "Oh, sure, we looked into it* — but Chosen School was the best match."

(*even if you never actually toured)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah. Then make it clear that your kid felt a strong connection to their school, while also making it clear that your kid knew about other options (and didn't just pick the first school where there was a fun tour).

Especially if you can point out things they were drawn to, like "Jane loved the new high-tech science building at School X, plus the fact that she could double-major in neuroscience and Japanese."

If Rude Person mentions Elite School X, say "Oh, sure, we looked into it* — but Chosen School was the best match."

(*even if you never actually toured)

Helpful, thanks. It's definitely a very specific program they can't get at the other schools. Which...they know and still disagree with, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

People suck, OP. They just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah. Then make it clear that your kid felt a strong connection to their school, while also making it clear that your kid knew about other options (and didn't just pick the first school where there was a fun tour).

Especially if you can point out things they were drawn to, like "Jane loved the new high-tech science building at School X, plus the fact that she could double-major in neuroscience and Japanese."

If Rude Person mentions Elite School X, say "Oh, sure, we looked into it* — but Chosen School was the best match."

(*even if you never actually toured)

Helpful, thanks. It's definitely a very specific program they can't get at the other schools. Which...they know and still disagree with, but whatever.

I really do not understand why you are allowing any further questions from them. Shut it down, do not let your child hear about it, and be thankful this seems to be the first decision they are questioning that is absolutely none of their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Wow. Can you try and be happy or supportive for the decision that has been made?"

This is the approach I would take. Trying to explain or convince only makes one look like they must defend themselves. Instead, turn it around and put a spotlight on exactly what their meddling is: rude.
Meet rude with rude.
"Why are you trying to hurt (name of child) in this way?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah. Then make it clear that your kid felt a strong connection to their school, while also making it clear that your kid knew about other options (and didn't just pick the first school where there was a fun tour).

Especially if you can point out things they were drawn to, like "Jane loved the new high-tech science building at School X, plus the fact that she could double-major in neuroscience and Japanese."

If Rude Person mentions Elite School X, say "Oh, sure, we looked into it* — but Chosen School was the best match."

(*even if you never actually toured)

Helpful, thanks. It's definitely a very specific program they can't get at the other schools. Which...they know and still disagree with, but whatever.

I really do not understand why you are allowing any further questions from them. Shut it down, do not let your child hear about it, and be thankful this seems to be the first decision they are questioning that is absolutely none of their business.

We are trying, but what prompted this was FIL emailing DH last night to ask if DC couldn't possibly be persuaded to consider [other school] instead. No doesn't work on these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wow. Can you try and be happy or supportive for the decision that has been made?"

This is the approach I would take. Trying to explain or convince only makes one look like they must defend themselves. Instead, turn it around and put a spotlight on exactly what their meddling is: rude.
Meet rude with rude.
"Why are you trying to hurt (name of child) in this way?"

This is hard.

But I'm listening to every bit of (really good) advice here.

[Anonymous]

“I think you mispronounced ‘congratulations.’”

Then:
“The only proper response is ‘congratulations.’”

Then:
“I’m giving you one last chance to say congratulations.’”

Then:
“‘Congratulations’ is a complete sentence. Let me know when you are ready to say that, and only that. Until then, our family will be celebrating without you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah. Then make it clear that your kid felt a strong connection to their school, while also making it clear that your kid knew about other options (and didn't just pick the first school where there was a fun tour).

Especially if you can point out things they were drawn to, like "Jane loved the new high-tech science building at School X, plus the fact that she could double-major in neuroscience and Japanese."

If Rude Person mentions Elite School X, say "Oh, sure, we looked into it* — but Chosen School was the best match."

(*even if you never actually toured)

Helpful, thanks. It's definitely a very specific program they can't get at the other schools. Which...they know and still disagree with, but whatever.

I really do not understand why you are allowing any further questions from them. Shut it down, do not let your child hear about it, and be thankful this seems to be the first decision they are questioning that is absolutely none of their business.

We are trying, but what prompted this was FIL emailing DH last night to ask if DC couldn't possibly be persuaded to consider [other school] instead. No doesn't work on these people.

I am the quoted poster and I get it. I really do. However, speaking as a mom who has had to stand up to judgey family -- the only way to stop them is to fully stand up to it. Your husband needs to respond with firm language and neither of you can budge. Your child has made a great decision about their future and I am sure you are very proud. Do not let anyone muddy that water or get in the way of celebrating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Wow. Can you try and be happy or supportive for the decision that has been made?"

I would say this to my sibling. And if they persist, they'd get an earful from me.

To the ILs, I'd stick with "DC is thrilled and we are too." Then walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC's top choice college was a "lessor" school in a particular group - think Cornell vs. Harvard or Connecticut College vs. Amherst, or Nebraska vs. Northwestern, something like that. They were accepted and are THRILLED beyond words, but more than one family member and friend has said some really nasty things to us about the acceptance. We're incredibly proud and trying to gracefully deflect the comments, but people are digging in their heels and saying the equivalent of, "Well, what about Harvard? It's not too late to apply, you know."

Could use some specific wording here. "This school is perfect for them, and we're very proud of their achievement" isn't shutting them down.

We're very happy for them, it's too bad you can't be supportive too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wow. Can you try and be happy or supportive for the decision that has been made?"

This is the approach I would take. Trying to explain or convince only makes one look like they must defend themselves. Instead, turn it around and put a spotlight on exactly what their meddling is: rude.
Meet rude with rude.
"Why are you trying to hurt (name of child) in this way?"

yes, do NOT try to explain. It only invites further conversation. You do not need to justify the decision. If they persist then go there
"The decision has been made, we support it fully, no one has asked for your input. I am not having this conversation with you again."

If they bring it up again, "I already told you, we are not going to have this conversation," then change topic.

If that doesn't work, "let's talk later when you are able to move onto another topic."