Expecting coffee with dessert is annoying and passé

[Anonymous]

In my home I only serve coffee in the morning, but guests are welcome to make themselves a pot anytime they like. It’s a standard drip coffee maker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that ordering coffee after the check comes or well into dessert is rude.
But it seems moderately rude to me not to offer coffee and tea to guests with dessert. Nowadays when so many people have espresso machines or single service coffee machines it seems easier than it used to be.

It does sort of irritate me when hosts want to make a whole pot but don’t even start it until after all the dishes are cleared and cleaned from dinner. My brother does this — it is late and we want to get on the road and he’s like “I’ll just put on the coffee….l” like it’s a totally unanticipated act each time.

It’s your brother - can you not go in the kitchen and make a pot? My siblings and I help ourselves in each other’s homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. When my in laws visit, my FIL always ask "Is there coffee?" when we bring out dessert. Nope, there's no coffee. Feel free to make some while we enjoy dessert though.

Why wouldn’t you serve coffee with dessert if you know that someone will always ask for it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. When my in laws visit, my FIL always ask "Is there coffee?" when we bring out dessert. Nope, there's no coffee. Feel free to make some while we enjoy dessert though.

Why wouldn’t you serve coffee with dessert if you know that someone will always ask for it?

NP. Because one person out of a large gathering of people wanting something = he’s the outlier. What if someone asked “Is there Code Red Mountain Dew”? What if someone else said “Is there a cheese course”? What if someone else wanted a different kind of dessert than what was on offer? “What about any of those After Eight mints, got any of those”? Like, there are tons of things one could reasonably want or enjoy after dinner and dessert. But that doesn’t mean you should ask your hosts for yet more hospitality.

I dislike pie. I don’t ask for an alternative on Thanksgiving when that is all my ILs serve. That would be rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will agree with you! My in laws do this and it is annoying. All their meals take hours. I just leave now though. Thank god for children who always need my attention or who will be waking me up early thus necessitating my early bedtime.

Oh yes, the pre-dinner cocktail hour and a half, the post dinner wine and chat for 2-3 hours. It was so freeing when I started opting out!

[Anonymous]

I love coffee with desert, and I am always impressed by hosts who know to have coffee or tea after a meal.
I also like pie.
I am Gen X.

[Anonymous]

Saying passé is passé.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Notice I said “expecting” as the first word in that sentence. ENJOYING coffee with dessert is fine. EXPECTING it is annoying and passé.

Don’t hold up a restaurant meal by suddenly deciding *after the desserts have already been ordered and brought to the table* that you also need coffee. If you’re going to order it with dessert, put the order in at the same time as your dessert order. If the check drops and then you decide “coffee too,” you are not only making extra work for the server, but you are forcing everyone else to sit there longer when they are clearly ready to go.

And guess what, it’s 2023 and yes, your dining companions will leave you to it. Once the check hits the table, people are free to leave, and no that’s not rude. You are rude.

Similarly, if a host and hostess treat you to a nice meal at their home, they may offer coffee with dessert; of course you can accept. But if that’s not the habit of the house, it is beyond rude to ask for it. If you “need” coffee that badly, hit the 7/11 or McDonald’s on your way home. At a family member’s house, I suppose you could ask if you could make coffee, but only if you also offer to clean it up.

This is not a thing anymore. It’s annoying and passé. Enjoy it when you can, but don’t expect it and be rude about it.

You can leave whenever you want. The sooner, the better, so the rest of us can enjoy coffee in peace.

I like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Notice I said “expecting” as the first word in that sentence. ENJOYING coffee with dessert is fine. EXPECTING it is annoying and passé.

Don’t hold up a restaurant meal by suddenly deciding *after the desserts have already been ordered and brought to the table* that you also need coffee. If you’re going to order it with dessert, put the order in at the same time as your dessert order. If the check drops and then you decide “coffee too,” you are not only making extra work for the server, but you are forcing everyone else to sit there longer when they are clearly ready to go.

And guess what, it’s 2023 and yes, your dining companions will leave you to it. Once the check hits the table, people are free to leave, and no that’s not rude. You are rude.

Similarly, if a host and hostess treat you to a nice meal at their home, they may offer coffee with dessert; of course you can accept. But if that’s not the habit of the house, it is beyond rude to ask for it. If you “need” coffee that badly, hit the 7/11 or McDonald’s on your way home. At a family member’s house, I suppose you could ask if you could make coffee, but only if you also offer to clean it up.

This is not a thing anymore. It’s annoying and passé. Enjoy it when you can, but don’t expect it and be rude about it.

were you raised in a trailer park?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. When my in laws visit, my FIL always ask "Is there coffee?" when we bring out dessert. Nope, there's no coffee. Feel free to make some while we enjoy dessert though.

Why wouldn’t you serve coffee with dessert if you know that someone will always ask for it?

NP. Because one person out of a large gathering of people wanting something = he’s the outlier. What if someone asked “Is there Code Red Mountain Dew”? What if someone else said “Is there a cheese course”? What if someone else wanted a different kind of dessert than what was on offer? “What about any of those After Eight mints, got any of those”? Like, there are tons of things one could reasonably want or enjoy after dinner and dessert. But that doesn’t mean you should ask your hosts for yet more hospitality.

I dislike pie. I don’t ask for an alternative on Thanksgiving when that is all my ILs serve. That would be rude.

Such a hostile way of looking at a simple request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that ordering coffee after the check comes or well into dessert is rude.
But it seems moderately rude to me not to offer coffee and tea to guests with dessert. Nowadays when so many people have espresso machines or single service coffee machines it seems easier than it used to be.

It does sort of irritate me when hosts want to make a whole pot but don’t even start it until after all the dishes are cleared and cleaned from dinner. My brother does this — it is late and we want to get on the road and he’s like “I’ll just put on the coffee….l” like it’s a totally unanticipated act each time.

I cannot wrap my head around how it is rude to not offer coffee or tea with dessert. That is such a crazy assumption. What if we don't drink tea or coffee ? What entitled, selfish thinking. I've invited you over for a meal or dessert and I'm rude for not providing your beverage of choice? I would never invite someone like you to my house again.

We don’t drive wine or beer but I usually have it on hand if I’m having guests over for dinner. Tea, in particular, seems like an easy thing to stock if you are having people over. I’m not saying to go out and buy a coffee maker just for guests but I think most Americans already have some kind of coffee maker. I usually just do a quick “does anyone want any tea or coffee with dessert?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. When my in laws visit, my FIL always ask "Is there coffee?" when we bring out dessert. Nope, there's no coffee. Feel free to make some while we enjoy dessert though.

Why wouldn’t you serve coffee with dessert if you know that someone will always ask for it?

I would do it with my sisters but his wife is weirdly controlling about meals and also his kitchen is an absolute mess with stuff stacked everywhere when they are hosting (small kitchen and they keep the counters full w en before cooking starts). I was using that as an example of someplace where you don’t feel comfortable running it yourself, which I agree is somewhat atypical for a sibling”s house.

[Anonymous]

To those who like coffee with dessert:

Doesn't a coffee so late hurt your sleep or ability to get to sleep?

I thought coffee after dinner was to give you a boost before going out on the town. To see a show or go boozing. If it's just a normal family dinner and you're just headed home right after, why do you want the caffeine boost?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm begging you to come back and explain how coffee with dessert is passé.

It'd be helpful is OP also could provide whatever definition s/he is using for passe. It's not one I'm familiar with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those who like coffee with dessert:

Doesn't a coffee so late hurt your sleep or ability to get to sleep?

I thought coffee after dinner was to give you a boost before going out on the town. To see a show or go boozing. If it's just a normal family dinner and you're just headed home right after, why do you want the caffeine boost?

Caffeine doesn't negatively affect all people's sleep. When I drink coffee with dessert, it is to cut the sweetness. It is also a pleasant flavor complement.