Stop asking student tour guides where they're applying to college

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. When did "Where are you applying to college?" become an ultra-personal question? For decades it has been a means for adults to show interest in what is happening with a junior/senior. It is not a state secret. If your concern is that your child would be embarrassed if they don't get in to the schools they list, good news: your child will probably never see the prospective parents again. Also, that question is a way for prospective parents to get an understanding of where current students at the prospective school will be going to college (not years past data).

I guarantee no offense was intended by the question. More importantly, no offense should be taken.

[Anonymous]

I agree it’s rude to ask and kind of gross to try to mine those personal details instead of just asking for the schools stats in an appropriate way.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the easiest way to avoid parents asking these questions is if the schools themselves would publish a one-sheet of where their students matriculated over the last 1-3 years. There are plenty of top privates such as Harvard-Westlake that have zero problem publishing this kind of data (as well as breaking out who was a recruited athlete or legacy for top schools). For some reason, DMV privates prefer to be quite opaque which just results in tons of nosy parents pestering the student tour guides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I had no idea this would be such a controversial topic. To be clear, my son does have an answer to college (and gpa) questions which is breezy and vague. The frustration is that most of the parents who ask this question aren't satisfied with the lack of specificity and keep pushing. It's not like this is ruining his day or anything (but thanks to those posters who made the snowflake and big boy pants comments), but it's been an education in how to handle rudeness. So maybe he should be grateful?

Anyway, I still think there are lots of other ways for families to make conversation with tour guides that would provide better information about the high school the prospective families are considering. How about focusing on the high school experience your kid is going to have for the next four years?

Yes, college is important, but things are changing so quickly that the experience of a class of 24 grad may not have much bearing on your class of 28 grad. More importantly, where one student out of 100+ is applying - especially when you know nothing about legacy status, intended major, extracurricular activities, leadership positions, athletic recruiting status, rec letters, and other myriad things that go into admissions decisions - is not relevant.

Asking about how the college guidance office functions - when you get assigned a counselor, if there is a cap on the number of applications you can submit, if the counselors steer students towards or away from particular schools, etc. - is imo much more useful.

But, if you want to be THOSE parents, who everyone laughs about after you leave, go for it!

For all the parents that purport to claim that private school is not about college matriculations...your post is exposing that for parents/kids applying at HS, it is a major, major part of the decision. Only on DCUM are parents selecting a private school for basically every and any reason other than college acceptances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the easiest way to avoid parents asking these questions is if the schools themselves would publish a one-sheet of where their students matriculated over the last 1-3 years. There are plenty of top privates such as Harvard-Westlake that have zero problem publishing this kind of data (as well as breaking out who was a recruited athlete or legacy for top schools). For some reason, DMV privates prefer to be quite opaque which just results in tons of nosy parents pestering the student tour guides.

Because to many folks on DCUM, anything short of knowing the name of the every single student and which school he or she attended is "opaque" or the school "hiding something."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I had no idea this would be such a controversial topic. To be clear, my son does have an answer to college (and gpa) questions which is breezy and vague. The frustration is that most of the parents who ask this question aren't satisfied with the lack of specificity and keep pushing. It's not like this is ruining his day or anything (but thanks to those posters who made the snowflake and big boy pants comments), but it's been an education in how to handle rudeness. So maybe he should be grateful?

Anyway, I still think there are lots of other ways for families to make conversation with tour guides that would provide better information about the high school the prospective families are considering. How about focusing on the high school experience your kid is going to have for the next four years?

Yes, college is important, but things are changing so quickly that the experience of a class of 24 grad may not have much bearing on your class of 28 grad. More importantly, where one student out of 100+ is applying - especially when you know nothing about legacy status, intended major, extracurricular activities, leadership positions, athletic recruiting status, rec letters, and other myriad things that go into admissions decisions - is not relevant.

Asking about how the college guidance office functions - when you get assigned a counselor, if there is a cap on the number of applications you can submit, if the counselors steer students towards or away from particular schools, etc. - is imo much more useful.

But, if you want to be THOSE parents, who everyone laughs about after you leave, go for it!

Your kid will need to learn with rude, tactless, and pushy people in life. This is good training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. When did "Where are you applying to college?" become an ultra-personal question? For decades it has been a means for adults to show interest in what is happening with a junior/senior. It is not a state secret. If your concern is that your child would be embarrassed if they don't get in to the schools they list, good news: your child will probably never see the prospective parents again. Also, that question is a way for prospective parents to get an understanding of where current students at the prospective school will be going to college (not years past data).

I guarantee no offense was intended by the question. More importantly, no offense should be taken.

I'm sorry, but now you know it's rude and obnoxious so stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

This is dumb. How is where are you applying to college too personal? People need to get over themselves. It's a standard small-talk question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. When did "Where are you applying to college?" become an ultra-personal question? For decades it has been a means for adults to show interest in what is happening with a junior/senior. It is not a state secret. If your concern is that your child would be embarrassed if they don't get in to the schools they list, good news: your child will probably never see the prospective parents again. Also, that question is a way for prospective parents to get an understanding of where current students at the prospective school will be going to college (not years past data).

I guarantee no offense was intended by the question. More importantly, no offense should be taken.

I'm sorry, but now you know it's rude and obnoxious so stop doing it.

It's not. Just because you and a few other ultra sensitive people seem to think it's a bloody state secret doesn't make it so. Most of the rest of the country thinks it's a normal question to ask. Along with "where are you from" which also triggers a host of special snowflakes here on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb. How is where are you applying to college too personal? People need to get over themselves. It's a standard small-talk question.

You need to brush up on your small talk skills if you can't figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. When did "Where are you applying to college?" become an ultra-personal question? For decades it has been a means for adults to show interest in what is happening with a junior/senior. It is not a state secret. If your concern is that your child would be embarrassed if they don't get in to the schools they list, good news: your child will probably never see the prospective parents again. Also, that question is a way for prospective parents to get an understanding of where current students at the prospective school will be going to college (not years past data).

I guarantee no offense was intended by the question. More importantly, no offense should be taken.

I'm sorry, but now you know it's rude and obnoxious so stop doing it.

It's not. Just because you and a few other ultra sensitive people seem to think it's a bloody state secret doesn't make it so. Most of the rest of the country thinks it's a normal question to ask. Along with "where are you from" which also triggers a host of special snowflakes here on DCUM.

So, where are you from? In America we don't use "bloody" often. Are you an immigrant?

[Anonymous]

Didn’t realize this was such a sensitive topic. Are we allowed to ask generally about their post-high school plans or is that off limits too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. When did "Where are you applying to college?" become an ultra-personal question? For decades it has been a means for adults to show interest in what is happening with a junior/senior. It is not a state secret. If your concern is that your child would be embarrassed if they don't get in to the schools they list, good news: your child will probably never see the prospective parents again. Also, that question is a way for prospective parents to get an understanding of where current students at the prospective school will be going to college (not years past data).

I guarantee no offense was intended by the question. More importantly, no offense should be taken.

I'm sorry, but now you know it's rude and obnoxious so stop doing it.

It's not. Just because you and a few other ultra sensitive people seem to think it's a bloody state secret doesn't make it so. Most of the rest of the country thinks it's a normal question to ask. Along with "where are you from" which also triggers a host of special snowflakes here on DCUM.

Most of the rest of the country doesn’t think it’s a normal question to ask. You are very out of touch. Are you especially old? It hasn’t been a normal question to ask for twenty or thirty years. It’s seen as rude and pushy pretty much everywhere. It is true that older grandparent types are given a pass because in the Boomer generation, it wasn’t seen as rude. So, you can continue to ask if you are a Boomer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the sensitivity of this subject is insane. I have not gone through this process with my child, but currently going through high school application season. Parents and kids are happily sharing where they are applying. The reality is you will get accepted to some and rejected or waitlisted by others. What’s more healthy is to teach kids that rejection is a part of life and how to deal with it. Not getting accepted is not the end of the world and should not be done in secret. This is why these kids are so mentally fragile. How about teach them, “it only takes one!” They can only go to one school. BTW, this is the same approach I followed when applying to top undergraduate and graduate programs. Gladly told people I applied to four top 10 grad programs and only got into one. Guess where I went, that one school which happened to be the highest ranked of them all! I also think kids need to learn how to navigate questions they don’t want to answer. One of the best ways to do that is to ask the person, “why do you ask?” That will reveal their true intentions and often provides a way to pivot.

As you said - you haven't been through the process. HS admissions is very different from college admissions. It's a LOT of work for students to apply to college and still keep up grades. It's a lot of uncertainty in their lives as they want to enjoy their senior year but don't know what is ahead. There are many emotions. It's not all about being accepted or not - some don't even know where they want to go (while others are set on a specific place).

Maybe listen to others who have been through this and take the cue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of next-level sensitive. I think a prospective parent asking a tour guide about their college application process is both a timely bit of relevant small talk and a legitimate point of interest for an applicant.

Have any of your children gone through college admissions? This is not "next-level sensitive" - it's common courtesy - at many of the schools, the Admissions person in charge will tell parents not to ask about college admissions. Of course, some ignore it.

Yes, in fact I have a senior going through it now. Barely a day goes by that someone (friend, family, friend of mine who he doesn’t know) doesn’t directly or indirectly. It’s a way of showing interest in someone’s life, about the things that are most relevant to them today. And guess what, my kid answers in whatever way he wants. He doesn’t seek a safe space, doesn’t deem it to be a micro-aggression.

Can’t wait until your kid’s second employer asks why they left their first job.

My kid knows how to shut down the questions. They are just fine. They also know how to choose appropriate ways to show interest in another person's life without choosing a topic that could be stressful to the other.