Mean girls mean moms

[Anonymous]

My unpopular opinion is most of these girls aren’t actually “mean.” “Mean girl” is what they get called by the moms who are intimidated by and hate their moms and transfer it to the daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mean is subjective. What exactly are the girls and moms doing you find to be so mean, OP?

- Excluding other girls
- Making fun of other girls or boys (verbally or in notes/pictures that are passed around the classroom)
- Telling kids not to play with or be friends with certain girls or boys.

It feels weird to be an adult referring to a 9 year old as a “mean girl.” I don’t think they are bad kids. They are just navigating the culture of the classroom in a way that works best for them.
I don’t think the moms are bad people either. They don’t deliberately set out to hurt people. They just see the world in terms of these social hierarchies and are trying to come out on top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My unpopular opinion is most of these girls aren’t actually “mean.” “Mean girl” is what they get called by the moms who are intimidated by and hate their moms and transfer it to the daughters.

I think the initial term for this behavior was “queen bee,” and it got changed to “Mean Girls” by the movie.

I don’t think the girls or moms experience themselves as “mean.” You’re right that it’s more about how they make other people feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean is subjective. What exactly are the girls and moms doing you find to be so mean, OP?

- Excluding other girls
- Making fun of other girls or boys (verbally or in notes/pictures that are passed around the classroom)
- Telling kids not to play with or be friends with certain girls or boys.

It feels weird to be an adult referring to a 9 year old as a “mean girl.” I don’t think they are bad kids. They are just navigating the culture of the classroom in a way that works best for them.
I don’t think the moms are bad people either. They don’t deliberately set out to hurt people. They just see the world in terms of these social hierarchies and are trying to come out on top.

Find me the kids and adults including everyone, never making fun of anyone, playing with everyone, and I’ll find you people who are only being nice on the surface (called out as mean by someone earlier on this thread) or a doormat who doesn’t walk away when hurt by someone else being mean.

Find me the kid telling everyone to play with everyone, and I’ll show you a girl who’s unable to empathize with very normal kids, dismissing of their feelings, and/or being judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean is subjective. What exactly are the girls and moms doing you find to be so mean, OP?

- Excluding other girls
- Making fun of other girls or boys (verbally or in notes/pictures that are passed around the classroom)
- Telling kids not to play with or be friends with certain girls or boys.

It feels weird to be an adult referring to a 9 year old as a “mean girl.” I don’t think they are bad kids. They are just navigating the culture of the classroom in a way that works best for them.
I don’t think the moms are bad people either. They don’t deliberately set out to hurt people. They just see the world in terms of these social hierarchies and are trying to come out on top.

I’m a high school teacher and to some degree all of these behaviors are typical and age appropriate all through k-12. (Excluding extremes such as bullying but that’s not what you’re describing.)

[Anonymous]

Some relational aggression (excluding others) is socially normal development. It gets noticed in girls as they mature faster socially. We had a girl that seemed to cross the line in K and seemed to be gleefully smiling when she made other kids cry. Both the parents seem really into appearances and the dad is definitely a finance bro jerk. The mom is outwardly pleasant but seems phoney.

In first grade the latest thing for our daughter is the “mean boy” who runs around the playground saying kill kill kill to her and other children… ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean is subjective. What exactly are the girls and moms doing you find to be so mean, OP?

- Excluding other girls
- Making fun of other girls or boys (verbally or in notes/pictures that are passed around the classroom)
- Telling kids not to play with or be friends with certain girls or boys.

It feels weird to be an adult referring to a 9 year old as a “mean girl.” I don’t think they are bad kids. They are just navigating the culture of the classroom in a way that works best for them.
I don’t think the moms are bad people either. They don’t deliberately set out to hurt people. They just see the world in terms of these social hierarchies and are trying to come out on top.

Find me the kids and adults including everyone, never making fun of anyone, playing with everyone, and I’ll find you people who are only being nice on the surface (called out as mean by someone earlier on this thread) or a doormat who doesn’t walk away when hurt by someone else being mean.

Find me the kid telling everyone to play with everyone, and I’ll show you a girl who’s unable to empathize with very normal kids, dismissing of their feelings, and/or being judgmental.

I don’t know how to explain it to you, but your worldview is a self fulfilling prophecy. You are unconsciously causing this to happen.

Your expectation is that everyone is gossiping and forming cliques. You don’t want to end up being gossiped about or find yourself out of the group, so you find ways to put yourself on top by gossiping and forming cliques yourself. You feel like being a mom of an elementary schooler is like being on Survivor because you are making it that way.

Probably that’s what you saw your mom doing when you were growing up. She probably gossiped to you about other girls or other families, and you just think that’s what people do.

But whenever you aren’t there, there are groups of people who just aren’t like this. They don’t gossip and are open minded about being friends with anyone. I would say that most adults are like this. People talk about books and movies and kids and money and religion.

Most people really aren’t jealous of other adults or waiting for them to make a misstep so they can gossip about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean is subjective. What exactly are the girls and moms doing you find to be so mean, OP?

- Excluding other girls
- Making fun of other girls or boys (verbally or in notes/pictures that are passed around the classroom)
- Telling kids not to play with or be friends with certain girls or boys.

It feels weird to be an adult referring to a 9 year old as a “mean girl.” I don’t think they are bad kids. They are just navigating the culture of the classroom in a way that works best for them.
I don’t think the moms are bad people either. They don’t deliberately set out to hurt people. They just see the world in terms of these social hierarchies and are trying to come out on top.

I’m a high school teacher and to some degree all of these behaviors are typical and age appropriate all through k-12. (Excluding extremes such as bullying but that’s not what you’re describing.)

I agree. How do we break the cycle so that these behaviors are not typical and ubiquitous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean is subjective. What exactly are the girls and moms doing you find to be so mean, OP?

- Excluding other girls
- Making fun of other girls or boys (verbally or in notes/pictures that are passed around the classroom)
- Telling kids not to play with or be friends with certain girls or boys.

It feels weird to be an adult referring to a 9 year old as a “mean girl.” I don’t think they are bad kids. They are just navigating the culture of the classroom in a way that works best for them.
I don’t think the moms are bad people either. They don’t deliberately set out to hurt people. They just see the world in terms of these social hierarchies and are trying to come out on top.

Find me the kids and adults including everyone, never making fun of anyone, playing with everyone, and I’ll find you people who are only being nice on the surface (called out as mean by someone earlier on this thread) or a doormat who doesn’t walk away when hurt by someone else being mean.

Find me the kid telling everyone to play with everyone, and I’ll show you a girl who’s unable to empathize with very normal kids, dismissing of their feelings, and/or being judgmental.

I don’t know how to explain it to you, but your worldview is a self fulfilling prophecy. You are unconsciously causing this to happen.

Your expectation is that everyone is gossiping and forming cliques. You don’t want to end up being gossiped about or find yourself out of the group, so you find ways to put yourself on top by gossiping and forming cliques yourself. You feel like being a mom of an elementary schooler is like being on Survivor because you are making it that way.

Probably that’s what you saw your mom doing when you were growing up. She probably gossiped to you about other girls or other families, and you just think that’s what people do.

But whenever you aren’t there, there are groups of people who just aren’t like this. They don’t gossip and are open minded about being friends with anyone. I would say that most adults are like this. People talk about books and movies and kids and money and religion.

Most people really aren’t jealous of other adults or waiting for them to make a misstep so they can gossip about it.

No, I don’t expect everyone to gossip or form cliques. I also don’t expect everyone to always get along. Not everyone will be friends or play with everyone. Not everyone who does something mean is mean all the time. No one is genuinely friends with everyone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean is subjective. What exactly are the girls and moms doing you find to be so mean, OP?

- Excluding other girls
- Making fun of other girls or boys (verbally or in notes/pictures that are passed around the classroom)
- Telling kids not to play with or be friends with certain girls or boys.

It feels weird to be an adult referring to a 9 year old as a “mean girl.” I don’t think they are bad kids. They are just navigating the culture of the classroom in a way that works best for them.
I don’t think the moms are bad people either. They don’t deliberately set out to hurt people. They just see the world in terms of these social hierarchies and are trying to come out on top.

I’m a high school teacher and to some degree all of these behaviors are typical and age appropriate all through k-12. (Excluding extremes such as bullying but that’s not what you’re describing.)

I agree. How do we break the cycle so that these behaviors are not typical and ubiquitous?

We don’t . That’s why I said they’re developmentally and age appropriate. It’s how humans figure out existing in a society.

[Anonymous]

So girls will be girls?

It’s ok to be mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So girls will be girls?

It’s ok to be mean?

Are you best friends with everyone you’ve ever met?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So girls will be girls?

It’s ok to be mean?

As I’ve already established, my opinion is a lot of this isn’t mean. It’s normal. “Mean” is what immature adults call it because they don’t realize it’s just kids learning how to be humans and so they take it personally and then project it on the other moms too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mean is subjective. What exactly are the girls and moms doing you find to be so mean, OP?

- Excluding other girls
- Making fun of other girls or boys (verbally or in notes/pictures that are passed around the classroom)
- Telling kids not to play with or be friends with certain girls or boys.

It feels weird to be an adult referring to a 9 year old as a “mean girl.” I don’t think they are bad kids. They are just navigating the culture of the classroom in a way that works best for them.
I don’t think the moms are bad people either. They don’t deliberately set out to hurt people. They just see the world in terms of these social hierarchies and are trying to come out on top.

Find me the kids and adults including everyone, never making fun of anyone, playing with everyone, and I’ll find you people who are only being nice on the surface (called out as mean by someone earlier on this thread) or a doormat who doesn’t walk away when hurt by someone else being mean.

Find me the kid telling everyone to play with everyone, and I’ll show you a girl who’s unable to empathize with very normal kids, dismissing of their feelings, and/or being judgmental.

You're just trying to rationalize your and your child's exclusionary behavior, and guess what? It's not working.

Nobody is saying that everyone needs to be friends with everyone else; but I teach my children to be kind, and be mindful of other people's feelings. That means, for example, not talking about a small birthday party at school so no one feels left out. Another example, saying "no way, you can't join" and telling all her friends "Sierra can't join us, she's gross" if Sierra asks to join a game of tag on the playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So girls will be girls?

It’s ok to be mean?

Are you best friends with everyone you’ve ever met?

Are you really this obtuse in real life? Nobody is saying everyone has to be BFF with others, but you also don't have to be unkind.