Husband Goes On Strike Everytime We Fight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He’s not doing the chores “for her.” He needs to do them because he’s a grown man with responsibilities and children. PP you need to go back to whatever 4chan sludge from which you crawled out.

Yes, exactly. $20 says the PP is a baby-man who thinks everything he does/will do for a partner and children is "a favor".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dress in lingerie or whatever he finds irresistible, walk past him a couple of times and just walk away.

I am always surprised how immediate the effect is. He cannot apologize enough. I imagine I can get him to confess to pretty much anything I want.

I do this when I feel like it, not every time. Works every time I do it though.

What kind of cartoon do some of you people live in?

None. Nobody does this. This is what some older woman or man thinks good advice is though they have never done anything like it themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dress in lingerie or whatever he finds irresistible, walk past him a couple of times and just walk away.

I am always surprised how immediate the effect is. He cannot apologize enough. I imagine I can get him to confess to pretty much anything I want.

I do this when I feel like it, not every time. Works every time I do it though.

What kind of cartoon do some of you people live in?

None. Nobody does this. This is what some older woman or man thinks good advice is though they have never done anything like it themselves.

Lol. I'm trying to picture changing into lingerie in the middle of the day and parading around my house waiting for DH to apologize. Where are my kids at this point, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

HAHAHAHA nice try looser. So he doesn't sleep in the same sheets as her, doesn't use the same bathroom, doesn't eat out the same dishes. GTFO with that childish talk. He just wants her to keep doing it for him.

DP. My DH and I don't share a bed and neither do upwards of 20% of all couples. You sound unhinged. I bet youre divorced.

I'm unhinged because I expect a person who lived in the same house with me to equality contribute to the upkeep of the house? Mmmmkaaayyyy the 50's are calling you back.

The pendulum has swung hard the other way for the last 30 years. dear. Nowadays dads are not only still the breadwinner, but they handle at least half of the domestic chores once taken care of by women. Women's lives have gotten easier. Men's lives have gotten harder.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/women-breadwinners-tripled-since-1970s-still-doing-more-unpaid-work/

What you said is true, except the opposite

[Anonymous]

You are unhappy after fights, and you want to know “how to fight it?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

Mine used to throw up his hands and have a tantrum. We are separated now. I left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The day I quit arguing with my husband was the day serenity and togetherness made our marriage stronger.

So when he's wrong or pisses you off you just sit there?

I try to interpret it in a different way. For example, he gets angry when he gets home from work and the house is messy or dinner isn’t made (I work overnights, so I’m home during the day). He doesn’t yell, but I can tell that he’s pissed.
Instead of saying something about how he shouldn’t be angry with me, that I work too, I just focus on the fact that he KNOWS that he shouldn’t be mad. He is trying to hide it and let it go.

So, I appreciate his effort. He gets some time to get over it. I don’t have to be an anxious people pleaser. He doesn’t have to be an angry jerk. And instead of spending the evening arguing about whether HE started the fight by acting annoyed or I started the fight by saying something about it, we just order dinner,drink some iced tea, and do the crossword on the porch.

Whatever you think about this, I can tell you which one is more pleasant for the kids.

Please wake up and realize: He seems to think you do not need to sleep at all. You work overnights but are supposed to spend days cleaning the house and having dinner on the table for him when HE gets home? When are you supposed to sleep, PP?

You are wonderfully mellow and forgiving but honestly, you and your DH need to sit down on a weekend (please...tell me you don't work weekends too?) and come up with a plan where meals are cooked on weekends in advance and used through the week, plan in some takeout nights, and both of you do a weekend pickup around the house. No spouse should be coming home from day job and feeling pi$$3d --even if they're hiding it -- at the thought that that the other spouse with a night job didn't have hot dinner ready and hadn't picked up the house.

If you know he's peeved, why dont' you ever say: "If this gets on your nerves, thank you for not commenting on it or criticizing. I don't love it either but I do have to work nights. Let's sit down this weekend, make a plan for the coming week's dinners and a cleanup routine, and make it happen as a team, so you don't have to feel silently peeved and I don't have to feel I'm not doing enough (when I already work nights)."

Be careful. He might be holding back because he's stewing and steaming in silence and is going to let it all out one day, which will be ugly. That's why, if you know he's silently pi$$ed at you, I'd bring it out in the open and say, we're going to make a team plan. That does not mean YOU do all the dinners and cleaning. It means you both do the work in advance so weekdays are easier.

Again..when are you supposed to sleep, have down time to yourself, do anything other than logistics with your kids if you have any?

He knows intellectually that I need to sleep and have downtime. The anger is kind of a visceral reaction on his part. He can quiet it down, but it takes a few minutes.

My part is to give him that few minutes without saying anything about it. I mean, if he is inwardly annoyed, but doesn’t actually say anything about it, does it really have to upset me?

We are both working on not imitating our parents and having a nicer, more pleasant home than the one either of us grew up in.

[Anonymous]

Just leave. Take the credit card. Spend a lot out to eat, spa, movies, shopping, hotel. Let husbo do all the shit work. Come back when and if you feel like it.