Husband Goes On Strike Everytime We Fight

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I would not be hanging around the house solo parenting and doing all the chores. I would let him know I would be out of the house early the next morning and then do it. Gym, work, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dress in lingerie or whatever he finds irresistible, walk past him a couple of times and just walk away.

I am always surprised how immediate the effect is. He cannot apologize enough. I imagine I can get him to confess to pretty much anything I want.

I do this when I feel like it, not every time. Works every time I do it though.

Dr. Laura, is that you?

[Anonymous]

You can handle this specific incident however you want but it seems like an exhausting and toxic way to communicate. Marriage counselling would help just to have someone say “this is a toxic way to communicate.” It’s not a big deal, I think every marriage good or bad has problems like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you even “want to be right” about? Was your initial argument about chores? My DH won’t clean and when I complain he says it’s because I micromanage him. He has cleaning methods that really irk me…is it really micromanaging when I ask him to use less potent solutions?? Or to stop stomping around the house like a madman when he clean? Maybe it is. I give up.

Yes, it is pretty much the definition of micromanaging him! Good LORD. Leave the man alone.

This. If that's what OP's fight was about, I get where DH is coming from

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you even “want to be right” about? Was your initial argument about chores? My DH won’t clean and when I complain he says it’s because I micromanage him. He has cleaning methods that really irk me…is it really micromanaging when I ask him to use less potent solutions?? Or to stop stomping around the house like a madman when he clean? Maybe it is. I give up.

Yes, it is pretty much the definition of micromanaging him! Good LORD. Leave the man alone.

I don't think that was OP. And she says it's "every time," meaning not a single spat, but every time they argue.

This. If that's what OP's fight was about, I get where DH is coming from

[Anonymous]

He sounds real mature. Call him out on it. Tell him to grow up. Use your words but don't put up with it. He's manipulating you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dress in lingerie or whatever he finds irresistible, walk past him a couple of times and just walk away.

I am always surprised how immediate the effect is. He cannot apologize enough. I imagine I can get him to confess to pretty much anything I want.

I do this when I feel like it, not every time. Works every time I do it though.

What kind of cartoon do some of you people live in?

lol lol lol that's a funny comment!

That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The day I quit arguing with my husband was the day serenity and togetherness made our marriage stronger.

So when he's wrong or pisses you off you just sit there?

[Anonymous]

At least it is good practice at being a single parent for when you inevitably get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

HAHAHAHA nice try looser. So he doesn't sleep in the same sheets as her, doesn't use the same bathroom, doesn't eat out the same dishes. GTFO with that childish talk. He just wants her to keep doing it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

HAHAHAHA nice try looser. So he doesn't sleep in the same sheets as her, doesn't use the same bathroom, doesn't eat out the same dishes. GTFO with that childish talk. He just wants her to keep doing it for him.

DP. My DH and I don't share a bed and neither do upwards of 20% of all couples. You sound unhinged. I bet youre divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

That’s not really true. They will hate her because half of the time they have to live with a guy who has such an unkempt house that they can’t have friends over and who doesn’t take them to sports/birthday parties/events.

They should be angry at him, but they never are (at least not not until they grow up). It’s deeply unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

Stop having sex. Wait, you probably don’t have it anyway