Husband Goes On Strike Everytime We Fight

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to fight back. Just drop the ball and stop fighting. It’s not good for your kids.
Cheerfully go about doing what you can in terms of childcare, groceries, and yardwork and let the rest go. Focus on being a good mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

My kids pick fights on chore day too.

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling. This isn’t a healthy way to disagree.

[Anonymous]

The day I quit arguing with my husband was the day serenity and togetherness made our marriage stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you even “want to be right” about? Was your initial argument about chores? My DH won’t clean and when I complain he says it’s because I micromanage him. He has cleaning methods that really irk me…is it really micromanaging when I ask him to use less potent solutions?? Or to stop stomping around the house like a madman when he clean? Maybe it is. I give up.

Yes, that is micromanaging.

But I am also curious what the fights are about.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children?

I’d leave. This is so dysfunctional, I wouldn’t want my kids to see it as the model of a marriage AND I would be so repulsed by a man like this I would struggle to be intimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe stop acting like a beyotch?

Hello, dude. Maybe stop telling women how to act for you.

Wut?

It's pretty simple. If you want me to assist, don't act like an a@@. Let's see how long it takes for you to tire of carrying everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you even “want to be right” about? Was your initial argument about chores? My DH won’t clean and when I complain he says it’s because I micromanage him. He has cleaning methods that really irk me…is it really micromanaging when I ask him to use less potent solutions?? Or to stop stomping around the house like a madman when he clean? Maybe it is. I give up.

Yes, it is pretty much the definition of micromanaging him! Good LORD. Leave the man alone.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this, too, if it helps for misery to love company. He will pick fights about politics and fly into a rage when I won’t engage or when I disagree. The rage becomes the silent treatment by bedtime, and then almost always a strike of a few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe stop acting like a beyotch?

Hello, dude. Maybe stop telling women how to act for you.

Wut?

It's pretty simple. If you want me to assist, don't act like an a@@. Let's see how long it takes for you to tire of carrying everything.

Assist? Like, it sher job to do all the housework and childcare and errands, and you'll help out if she's nice? It's his house and his yard and his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH does this, too, if it helps for misery to love company. He will pick fights about politics and fly into a rage when I won’t engage or when I disagree. The rage becomes the silent treatment by bedtime, and then almost always a strike of a few days.

And you're still married to this guy because...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe stop acting like a beyotch?

Hello, dude. Maybe stop telling women how to act for you.

Wut?

It's pretty simple. If you want me to assist, don't act like an a@@. Let's see how long it takes for you to tire of carrying everything.

Assist? Like, it sher job to do all the housework and childcare and errands, and you'll help out if she's nice? It's his house and his yard and his kids.

Correct. So if he feels like not helping on that 50%, then he can strike. If she wants a mowed lawn, empty garbage cans and not to spend every night driving the beltway she can top acting like a beyotch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is petty and immature. When you aren't fighting about something, you should try to calmly discuss it. And use that traditional counseling language (not blaming, talk about how it makes you feel). “Honey, I love you and having a strong, healthy relationship is important to me. But I’d like for both of us to commit to working on how we communicate when we disagree. When you shut down during an argument and leave me to do everything for days, it makes me feel alone and disrespected. Disagreements are normal parts of healthy relationships. Can we talk about how we can figure out how to keep talking when we disagree about something?” (Or something similar).

Also this is Couples counseling 101 - so it might be something worth looping in a professional to help with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.