AITA for not feeding my college children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If any adult (including my children) texted me in the work day to make them a snack, they wouldn't get a response.

I wonder those who are saying "make a snack" would do the same if it was her husband asking? Or if her kid asked the husband to do it.

Shows how many of us still see women as responsible for all of the "home" life.

I'd honestly be more likely to make my husband a snack in this situation. He does a ton of kind, caring things for me and I look for opportunities to reciprocate. I do often do little things for my teenage kids that they can do themselves, like get them a drink of water even when it would be just as easy for them to do it, but I am trying to transition out of that "mommy caters to me" mindset since they are at the age where they need to start seeing me as a human being instead of somebody who is just around to meet their needs. I develop my relationship with my kids by doing things with them, always being there to talk when they want to talk, showing interests in their interests, etc.

But my issue is the OP is working. I know a lot of people view working from home as a cake walk - but she shouldn't be responsible for making anyone food during work hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If any adult (including my children) texted me in the work day to make them a snack, they wouldn't get a response.

I wonder those who are saying "make a snack" would do the same if it was her husband asking? Or if her kid asked the husband to do it.

Shows how many of us still see women as responsible for all of the "home" life.

I'd honestly be more likely to make my husband a snack in this situation. He does a ton of kind, caring things for me and I look for opportunities to reciprocate. I do often do little things for my teenage kids that they can do themselves, like get them a drink of water even when it would be just as easy for them to do it, but I am trying to transition out of that "mommy caters to me" mindset since they are at the age where they need to start seeing me as a human being instead of somebody who is just around to meet their needs. I develop my relationship with my kids by doing things with them, always being there to talk when they want to talk, showing interests in their interests, etc.

But my issue is the OP is working. I know a lot of people view working from home as a cake walk - but she shouldn't be responsible for making anyone food during work hours.

Okay yes that's absolutely true. And my husband would never ask me to make him something if he knew I was working!

[Anonymous]

My DH and I learned from my MIL to make lunch and dinner first thing in the morning. By 8 am, we usually have both meals cooked. My kids know that food is kept near the stove in pyrex containers and I will put it in fridge only after it cools down. They have the choice to eat what I have made or fix their own meal. We may occasionally cook at night also, but it is only if we want to eat something different or we ended up with more people and need to make something else.

I don't understand what it has to do with having college children at home though? Are you guys not eating when they are not home? If you are fixing your lunch (probably slapping a sandwich together) why can't you make for other members of your family? When my DH fixes his lunch or warming his lunch, he fixes the same for everyone at home. When he makes a cup of tea, he makes for everyone who wants a cup too. My kids make smoothies or snacks and they will ask and make for everyone. When I boil eggs, I boil enough for everyone. If they don't want to eat it, it goes in the fridge and can be repurposed for some other dish.

I don't think you ATA. You are being true to how you were socialized. There is no good or bad way. You do whatever you are comfortable doing. Your kids also will learn the same.

[Anonymous]

You are NTA. However, I have an 18 y/o who sometimes asks for stuff like this and it’s not about being lazy. It’s just wanting a bit of mom’s attention as they get used to being independent and not having a caregiver anymore. If my kid did this to me I would probably just say “Sorry, I’m not available now but will be making x tonight for dinner if you are interested.” (Tho I have snapped at times. It’s ok).

[Anonymous]

Just keep at what you're doing. Eventually he'll figure it out and make his own nachos.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a joke
My kids had to make their own lunch to school starting at age 10

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I learned from my MIL to make lunch and dinner first thing in the morning. By 8 am, we usually have both meals cooked. My kids know that food is kept near the stove in pyrex containers and I will put it in fridge only after it cools down[b]. They have the choice to eat what I have made or fix their own meal. We may occasionally cook at night also, but it is only if we want to eat something different or we ended up with more people and need to make something else.

I don't understand what it has to do with having college children at home though? Are you guys not eating when they are not home? If you are fixing your lunch (probably slapping a sandwich together) why can't you make for other members of your family? When my DH fixes his lunch or warming his lunch, he fixes the same for everyone at home. When he makes a cup of tea, he makes for everyone who wants a cup too. My kids make smoothies or snacks and they will ask and make for everyone. When I boil eggs, I boil enough for everyone. If they don't want to eat it, it goes in the fridge and can be repurposed for some other dish.

I don't think you ATA. You are being true to how you were socialized. There is no good or bad way. You do whatever you are comfortable doing. Your kids also will learn the same.

I am impressed with you (and your MIL)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nacho takes 3 min. Why not make some for your kid? If you have time to post DCUM, you have 3 min.

No, she gets to spend that time doing the things she wants to do--be that work or DCUM--rather than catering to her kids like they are five years old.

Your poor kids. Lost mommy lottery. Lol

NP. Why do you think this?

[Anonymous]

NTA I haven't made my kids lunch when they are at home probably since sixth grade. We have food, they can figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I learned from my MIL to make lunch and dinner first thing in the morning. By 8 am, we usually have both meals cooked. My kids know that food is kept near the stove in pyrex containers and I will put it in fridge only after it cools down. They have the choice to eat what I have made or fix their own meal. We may occasionally cook at night also, but it is only if we want to eat something different or we ended up with more people and need to make something else.

I don't understand what it has to do with having college children at home though? Are you guys not eating when they are not home? If you are fixing your lunch (probably slapping a sandwich together) why can't you make for other members of your family? When my DH fixes his lunch or warming his lunch, he fixes the same for everyone at home. When he makes a cup of tea, he makes for everyone who wants a cup too. My kids make smoothies or snacks and they will ask and make for everyone. When I boil eggs, I boil enough for everyone. If they don't want to eat it, it goes in the fridge and can be repurposed for some other dish.

I don't think you ATA. You are being true to how you were socialized. There is no good or bad way. You do whatever you are comfortable doing. Your kids also will learn the same.

Could you share examples of what you cook, please?

[Anonymous]

Twenty years from now these immature grown humans will be living in your basement, still demanding that you cater to their wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NTA I haven't made my kids lunch when they are at home probably since sixth grade. We have food, they can figure it out.

+1

My kids are 14 and 12. I WFH and they make their own lunches (packed lunches for school, cooked/home prepared lunches during the summer). They do add lunch/snack foods they like to the shopping list, and I purchase what they request (within reason). When home, they make lunch when they are hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid can do this. I have the laziest dd ever. Even she knows not to ask or expect meals. She eats a protein bar, heats up frozen food from Trader Joe’s, or cuts up fruit, makes cereal…. It’s honestly up to you to say no, and stick with it.

This is exactly my DD. Super lazy. But she can and does feed herself. She asks for take out more often than I'd normally offer but understands if I say I am too busy/tired/don't want to spend the money. My 16yo DS feeds himself too. I almost never cook. Now that they are older and have busy schedules (DS is still in school and works several nights a week, DD home from college and is working retail), it's more annoying than not to figure out schedules. I am happy to buy whatever groceries they want so they can feed themselves.