Would you go to this anniversary party?

[Anonymous]

Wtf. I would be busy that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d skip it unless it causes more drama, then I’d go for 30 minutes before needing to be elsewhere.

New poster. A variation on the post above is what I'd do: I would go because your brother stood up for you in an important way to his then-fiancee! I would make SURE brother knew I was there, would be positive and, yes, congratulatory around brother, and then need to be somewhere else. Tell your brother in advance: "I'll be dropping by and I want to see you! But I'll only be able to stay about (30 minutes, hour, whatever) because XYZl...."

Put in an appearance, in other words. Entirely for your brother, who, again--did something that MANY men in that position re: the wedding would not have done. He could so easily have saved himself grief and simply said to himself, "It's between my fiancee and my sister and I'm staying out of it," but he didn't. He's a peach.

I completely understand the idea of not going to this rather silly "first anniversary" party. I really do. But as someone else noted above, your brother may need to feel that his sister acknowledges what he did and has his back. He might need you one day.

Avoid the SIL as much as possible but do not avoid her--greet her for sure and openly! Why should you duck and dive away from her jerkishness, especially when your brother was great? Be cordial and cool. "Hi, Sally, happy anniversary. The place looks so lovely! Oh, there's So and So, I should say hi...." And you're off to someone else. Do not give her any grounds to say you ignored her, OP; be the one who walks up and greets her first, then be busy with someone else.

I would wager that her BFF, the one who was oh so disappointed about dresses, will be there too, OP, so be mentally prepared to see her and not slap her into next Tuesday. Instead, I'd coolly make a point of speaking to her first and saying, "Hi, Jenny, I know Sally is glad to have you here." Because that's true and doesn't say "happy to see you myself" which is a lie.

This post will not be popular among the strong posts saying not to go, but this may be a case of "start as you mean to go on," namely: Set the tone now, after this revelation about the idiot dress mess. You are too cool to give a flying f**k and let it keep you away from your brother. Thnk of SIL and her friend as the pitiful, shallow people they showed themselves to be. Don't let pitiful and shallow people make you want to stay home, if you could at least give your terrific brother some acknowledgement.

I agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go and wear your bridesmaid dress

And carry a cat in a tuxedo in your arms!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d skip it unless it causes more drama, then I’d go for 30 minutes before needing to be elsewhere.

New poster. A variation on the post above is what I'd do: I would go because your brother stood up for you in an important way to his then-fiancee! I would make SURE brother knew I was there, would be positive and, yes, congratulatory around brother, and then need to be somewhere else. Tell your brother in advance: "I'll be dropping by and I want to see you! But I'll only be able to stay about (30 minutes, hour, whatever) because XYZl...."

Put in an appearance, in other words. Entirely for your brother, who, again--did something that MANY men in that position re: the wedding would not have done. He could so easily have saved himself grief and simply said to himself, "It's between my fiancee and my sister and I'm staying out of it," but he didn't. He's a peach.

I completely understand the idea of not going to this rather silly "first anniversary" party. I really do. But as someone else noted above, your brother may need to feel that his sister acknowledges what he did and has his back. He might need you one day.

Avoid the SIL as much as possible but do not avoid her--greet her for sure and openly! Why should you duck and dive away from her jerkishness, especially when your brother was great? Be cordial and cool. "Hi, Sally, happy anniversary. The place looks so lovely! Oh, there's So and So, I should say hi...." And you're off to someone else. Do not give her any grounds to say you ignored her, OP; be the one who walks up and greets her first, then be busy with someone else.

I would wager that her BFF, the one who was oh so disappointed about dresses, will be there too, OP, so be mentally prepared to see her and not slap her into next Tuesday. Instead, I'd coolly make a point of speaking to her first and saying, "Hi, Jenny, I know Sally is glad to have you here." Because that's true and doesn't say "happy to see you myself" which is a lie.

This post will not be popular among the strong posts saying not to go, but this may be a case of "start as you mean to go on," namely: Set the tone now, after this revelation about the idiot dress mess. You are too cool to give a flying f**k and let it keep you away from your brother. Thnk of SIL and her friend as the pitiful, shallow people they showed themselves to be. Don't let pitiful and shallow people make you want to stay home, if you could at least give your terrific brother some acknowledgement.

I was a poster who initially said to skip. Reading this post though, I'd follow this advice.

[Anonymous]

Do not go. You are under no obligation to go, this is NOT the wedding it's a party. You already were extremely gracious at the wedding. Send a card, a gift, a tray of donuts, whatever and if your brother can't understand your decision that's his issue.

[Anonymous]

PP here: the first anniversary gift is paper, hmm.

[Anonymous]

That is a tough one OP. My first impulse would be to skip it. If you do go, try practicing how to be calm + nonchalant. You don't want the mean girls to know they got to you. If that really happened-- that is terrible! Is your size a lot different than the mean girls? Are they waifs?

[Anonymous]

Reply yes. Then a week later change it to No. Then, change it back again, and show up wearing a minidress.

[Anonymous]

I would not go. I'm not saying you shouldn't, just saying that I would not. For the reasons you say - life is too short and I'm too old to force myself into a miserable, awkward night around people who are not especially good for my mental health.

[Anonymous]

Go in a mini dress?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be the bigger person. Go. It’s also your brother’s celebration.

I know. And I do love him. But you know.

These people sound absolutely deranged! I guess the "go or not go" question is really a question of, do you maintain a relationship going into the future.

Are they terrible outside of this dress thing - or was this an anomalous, awful incident? What does your brother say to all this?

I feel like you showing up wearing a great dress and being totally above it would be the above it all move - but do you feel up for that?

I'm sorry you've been put through this. It is not normal, that they behaved this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you find out what happened regarding your participation in the wedding party? Did your brother tell you?

OP already answered this in an earlier post. Brother didn't tell her. Apparently only last week, "she" (I assume SIL and not SIL's ahole BFF) said to OP for the first time the stuff about the dresses.

So OP is only now finding out about all this dress drama nonsense. It's not like OP's hanging onto a year-old grudge; the wound is very fresh.

OP: How did this even come up?? I need to know the details so I can give you a script for exactly how to tell this b**** off.

[Anonymous]

You really buried the lede, OP. Doesn't matter whether or not you go to this party. What matters is that your SIL thinks it's fine to 1) disinvite you from being a bridesmaid in the first place and 2) casually tell you that she's mad that she couldn't get the dress she wanted because you were too fat to wear it.

WTF.

I truly don't understand the posts saying you need to "support your brother" by going to this party. Um. No you don't. You can support your brother in all sorts of ways without spending time with someone who feels no hesitation in casually insulting you. Nope nope nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How big is the party? If it's small enough that you'll have to have extensive conversation with the friend, I'd skip it. But if it's larger and you can ignore her awfulness I'd go.

Small. Probably 20 people.

It's an anniversary party not a wedding so I would not go. The whole way you were invited and uninvited was so petty and nasty that I would keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really buried the lede, OP. Doesn't matter whether or not you go to this party. What matters is that your SIL thinks it's fine to 1) disinvite you from being a bridesmaid in the first place and 2) casually tell you that she's mad that she couldn't get the dress she wanted because you were too fat to wear it.

WTF.

I truly don't understand the posts saying you need to "support your brother" by going to this party. Um. No you don't. You can support your brother in all sorts of ways without spending time with someone who feels no hesitation in casually insulting you. Nope nope nope.

+100.