I want to put my son up for adoption

[Anonymous]

If we look at this through the “rings of support” perspective, I get the sense OP believes her son should be in one of her rings of support, pouring support in toward her and getting his own support from rings further out. But those rings of support are supposed to be adults, not kids. Kids do not belong in the rings of support. Your son is at the center of his own crisis, and needs the adults around him to pour support inward while dumping outward. And as his parent, you do belong in his rings of support. I recognize this is hard for you right now and your emotional resources to provide support may be limited, but that’s also reality. Can you expect him to help with chores around the house? Yes. Can you expect him to be your emotional support right now? No. If you need to bring in additional adult support, either directly for him or indirectly as support for you, then definitely do so. But this situation needs to be handled with the recognition that he is not an adult, and putting adult expectations on him right now can be damaging.

[Anonymous]

I would reach out to your friends and to your kid's therapist and explain that you are at a crisis point with him. It sounds like even if you could get a break for a week or so that might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m no expert in any of this but want to let you known that I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for you and I’m sorry for him. He sounds like a typical teenager but you are not in a position to handle it. Please reach out to somebody who knows you both. If I were you I would reach out to your doctor who might be able to refer you to someone who could help. Not necessarily get him adopted but someone who could help you both cope with this very difficult and sad stage in your lives. He knows you’re sick and he’s acting out. Help him find help.

Much love to you both.

Why do some people think "raging teens" is typical. I have two teens. Neither one are ragey. They can be annoying and sometimes difficult, but they aren't raging. Something is off if they are raging.

“Does not apply to my experience of two kids” is not the same as unusual. Many (not all, or even most, but enough so it isn’t unusual) teenagers act out; this kid also has a mom with a scary diagnosis and apparently no father figure or extended family support.

Raging is not normal. But yes, as I stated. "something is off" with him, and I'm sure it's due to OP's cancer.

But raging is not typical teen behavior. Please. Otherwise, all teens and their families would be in therapy.

DP. “Raging” isn’t exactly a technical term, so what OP or anyone else refers to as “raging” is not necessarily how you or I thinks of “raging.” That is particularly the case where the person making the subjective assessment is going through a medical crisis herself and her emotional resources to cope with her son’s emotions may be lowered.

well, OP wants to give her son up for adoption so I assume it's not just typical teen behavior, but rather something serious, like cutting, as OP stated. That is not typical teen behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the ideas and the empathy. I do have a friend or two I can reach out to. It’s embarrassing, but it would be helpful as I finish active treatment. He does have a counselor and sees her regularly. I don’t know what they talk about since he’s past the age where she has to tell me. I just don’t know where I got this kid with no empathy.

Sounds like the kid of a parent who has no empathy for the fact that he is a kid who is afraid he may lose the only parent and family he has.

Way to kick someone when they’re down. Sounds like a post by someone with no empathy or attunement and who has never had to face any real adversity. If you had ever been a single parent and ill with cancer (or if you had any common sense) you would understand that there is zero bandwidth for anything but focusing on getting through surgery and aftermath. She has no one to help her. No one to help her take care of her son. And mastectomy is very disabling for weeks.

OP, is there anyone who can come live with you for a month or two to help you through the surgery and aftermath just to provide some stability so you can focus on surviving and healing? Even if you have to hire someone like a college student or live-in aide it will be worth it. Also, if you have friends, talk to them. I went through this last year (with a younger kid) and my good friend offered for moth of us to live with her on her big beautiful house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m no expert in any of this but want to let you known that I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for you and I’m sorry for him. He sounds like a typical teenager but you are not in a position to handle it. Please reach out to somebody who knows you both. If I were you I would reach out to your doctor who might be able to refer you to someone who could help. Not necessarily get him adopted but someone who could help you both cope with this very difficult and sad stage in your lives. He knows you’re sick and he’s acting out. Help him find help.

Much love to you both.

Why do some people think "raging teens" is typical. I have two teens. Neither one are ragey. They can be annoying and sometimes difficult, but they aren't raging. Something is off if they are raging.

“Does not apply to my experience of two kids” is not the same as unusual. Many (not all, or even most, but enough so it isn’t unusual) teenagers act out; this kid also has a mom with a scary diagnosis and apparently no father figure or extended family support.

Raging is not normal. But yes, as I stated. "something is off" with him, and I'm sure it's due to OP's cancer.

But raging is not typical teen behavior. Please. Otherwise, all teens and their families would be in therapy.

DP. “Raging” isn’t exactly a technical term, so what OP or anyone else refers to as “raging” is not necessarily how you or I thinks of “raging.” That is particularly the case where the person making the subjective assessment is going through a medical crisis herself and her emotional resources to cope with her son’s emotions may be lowered.

well, OP wants to give her son up for adoption so I assume it's not just typical teen behavior, but rather something serious, like cutting, as OP stated. That is not typical teen behavior.

What? Yes it is typical troubled teen behavior. Cutting is extremely common. It’s a sign of distress and emotional pain not of violence. It’s not a reason to put a kid up for adoption. It is a sign the kid needs more support for this extremely difficult circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just watched a Taiwanese film on Netflix about a 13 yo going through her mom’s breast cancer. She was a brat. It is called American Girl.

Oh, you watched a movie once? You must be an expert. 🙄

PP didn’t claim to be an expert about anything. They only said they watched a movie…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the ideas and the empathy. I do have a friend or two I can reach out to. It’s embarrassing, but it would be helpful as I finish active treatment. He does have a counselor and sees her regularly. I don’t know what they talk about since he’s past the age where she has to tell me. I just don’t know where I got this kid with no empathy.

Sounds like the kid of a parent who has no empathy for the fact that he is a kid who is afraid he may lose the only parent and family he has.

Way to kick someone when they’re down. Sounds like a post by someone with no empathy or attunement and who has never had to face any real adversity. If you had ever been a single parent and ill with cancer (or if you had any common sense) you would understand that there is zero bandwidth for anything but focusing on getting through surgery and aftermath. She has no one to help her. No one to help her take care of her son. And mastectomy is very disabling for weeks.

OP, is there anyone who can come live with you for a month or two to help you through the surgery and aftermath just to provide some stability so you can focus on surviving and healing? Even if you have to hire someone like a college student or live-in aide it will be worth it. Also, if you have friends, talk to them. I went through this last year (with a younger kid) and my good friend offered for moth of us to live with her on her big beautiful house.

OP never said she had a mastectomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m no expert in any of this but want to let you known that I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for you and I’m sorry for him. He sounds like a typical teenager but you are not in a position to handle it. Please reach out to somebody who knows you both. If I were you I would reach out to your doctor who might be able to refer you to someone who could help. Not necessarily get him adopted but someone who could help you both cope with this very difficult and sad stage in your lives. He knows you’re sick and he’s acting out. Help him find help.

Much love to you both.

Why do some people think "raging teens" is typical. I have two teens. Neither one are ragey. They can be annoying and sometimes difficult, but they aren't raging. Something is off if they are raging.

OMG you are dense. Is the only parent of your two teens potentially fatally ill?

You are a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we look at this through the “rings of support” perspective, I get the sense OP believes her son should be in one of her rings of support, pouring support in toward her and getting his own support from rings further out. But those rings of support are supposed to be adults, not kids. Kids do not belong in the rings of support. Your son is at the center of his own crisis, and needs the adults around him to pour support inward while dumping outward. And as his parent, you do belong in his rings of support. I recognize this is hard for you right now and your emotional resources to provide support may be limited, but that’s also reality. Can you expect him to help with chores around the house? Yes. Can you expect him to be your emotional support right now? No. If you need to bring in additional adult support, either directly for him or indirectly as support for you, then definitely do so. But this situation needs to be handled with the recognition that he is not an adult, and putting adult expectations on him right now can be damaging.

NP here. This. I know it is so hard OP and I say this as someone with a very unempathetic 14 yr old with whom I am seriously struggling as a parent with a permanent, physical disability (which seems to bother my 14 yr old more and more each day). So not the same, but to me the situation seems somewhat similar. I cannot expect my 14 yr old to provide emotional support to me and my daily struggles. My situation is permanent, I will never get better. Ever. And that can send me down a black hole of despair sometimes. But I have to look for support from friends and other resources (including DCUM). I cannot abandon my 14 yr old no matter how mad I get with them. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the ideas and the empathy. I do have a friend or two I can reach out to. It’s embarrassing, but it would be helpful as I finish active treatment. He does have a counselor and sees her regularly. I don’t know what they talk about since he’s past the age where she has to tell me. I just don’t know where I got this kid with no empathy.

Sounds like the kid of a parent who has no empathy for the fact that he is a kid who is afraid he may lose the only parent and family he has.

Way to kick someone when they’re down. Sounds like a post by someone with no empathy or attunement and who has never had to face any real adversity. If you had ever been a single parent and ill with cancer (or if you had any common sense) you would understand that there is zero bandwidth for anything but focusing on getting through surgery and aftermath. She has no one to help her. No one to help her take care of her son. And mastectomy is very disabling for weeks.

OP, is there anyone who can come live with you for a month or two to help you through the surgery and aftermath just to provide some stability so you can focus on surviving and healing? Even if you have to hire someone like a college student or live-in aide it will be worth it. Also, if you have friends, talk to them. I went through this last year (with a younger kid) and my good friend offered for moth of us to live with her on her big beautiful house.

OP never said she had a mastectomy.

When someone says they are having surgery for cancer that usually means mastectomy. Sure maybe it’s a lumpectomy followed by chemo and/or radiation but it’s still a big deal especially if there is axillary lymph node dissection which it sounds like is her situation.

Can’t understand people like you who are set on gaslighting people in difficult circumstances.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you don’t really want to give your son up for adoption you want more support for yourself and him and are blaming yourself for your circumstances. It’s okay to tell him you will need more help around the house from him. That’s real life. He may be angry, so be it. It’s not really okay to parentify him by making him a source of social support. If you can hire or borrow a third person to live with you that would help a lot I think.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope everything gets better soon.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Your situation sounds tough. My cousin's DS raged at her too when she was at a very low point with her cancer. Her DS already had issues (ADHD, anxiety, ODD, etc) but he was pretty cruel to her. She is married so that helps but both parents were completely burnt out. They got donations and sent both kids to summer camp for the full summer and that was helpful to them.

What kinds of support do you have?

[Anonymous]

My child was a cutter. Self-harm seems to be more about them finding a place for emotions they cannot otherwise make room for. There is a lot of anger in my child that was not given voice to (it upset me to see them upset so from a young age I practiced the “cheer up” approach). I have figured out much of my kids anger stems from their idealistic view of how the world should be versus how it is. The world is not fair and that can be something to rage over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the ideas and the empathy. I do have a friend or two I can reach out to. It’s embarrassing, but it would be helpful as I finish active treatment. He does have a counselor and sees her regularly. I don’t know what they talk about since he’s past the age where she has to tell me. I just don’t know where I got this kid with no empathy.

Sounds like the kid of a parent who has no empathy for the fact that he is a kid who is afraid he may lose the only parent and family he has.

Way to kick someone when they’re down. Sounds like a post by someone with no empathy or attunement and who has never had to face any real adversity. If you had ever been a single parent and ill with cancer (or if you had any common sense) you would understand that there is zero bandwidth for anything but focusing on getting through surgery and aftermath. She has no one to help her. No one to help her take care of her son. And mastectomy is very disabling for weeks.

OP, is there anyone who can come live with you for a month or two to help you through the surgery and aftermath just to provide some stability so you can focus on surviving and healing? Even if you have to hire someone like a college student or live-in aide it will be worth it. Also, if you have friends, talk to them. I went through this last year (with a younger kid) and my good friend offered for moth of us to live with her on her big beautiful house.

OP never said she had a mastectomy.

When someone says they are having surgery for cancer that usually means mastectomy. Sure maybe it’s a lumpectomy followed by chemo and/or radiation but it’s still a big deal especially if there is axillary lymph node dissection which it sounds like is her situation.

Can’t understand people like you who are set on gaslighting people in difficult circumstances.

No it doesn't. I had breast cancer surgery, which meant the removal of some tissue, followed by nothing.
We don't know what stage OP's cancer is.