Has anyone tried this living scenario?

[Anonymous]

OP, I know a couple where the guy did something similar (flew back on weekends). He ended up having affairs.

I would heed the warning of the PP above who grew up like that -- how is your husband going to spend his free time?

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering if OP sorta hopes her husband cheats so she can be Saint Cheated-Upon or at the minimum have the $$$ and social standing but not actually have to be a wife. I’ll also fess up, OP being cagey about basic details like “what changes in two years” or “why I want to move” didn’t endear her to me, this member of the DCUM jury.

Folks will come in here and tell people about how they do this in Japan (we’re not in Japan) and how it worked for them or their parents (without sharing some pertinent detail like “having $500k in the bank.”)

OP, what does your husband actually think of this? Your kids? If you ignore everything else I write, think of this.

[Anonymous]

I think the thing that bothers me is that he's so nearby. For people who had to move to a different state to take a job and the dad moved ahead with back and forth visits, with jobs that require travel, or other out of state contracts, there's really no other option. But she's talking about being 50 miles away, and would rather live apart during the week than have her family together. It doesn't make sense to me. All so her kids can go to a nicer elementary school, instead of a good elementary school near where their dad works. She's almost certainly talking about Palo Alto or San Jose, and I promise there are good schools in that area. Especially if it's only for two years and the kids are in elementary school.

I also think it would be rough to move them across the country and almost immediately have dad move out for several days a week. That seems like a lot for little kids to deal with, and I can't imagine doing that if it weren't necessary.

[Anonymous]

I know quite a few people in the DC area who are in DC during the week who go home to their families over the weekends (not uncommon in the lobbying world). It can work, but just know that the majority of the people that I know that have done this ended up divorced.

As several others have noted — the spouse living alone gets lonely, and it’s very easy to go out for dinner and drinks and meet “friendly” people, and the spouse living at home gets used to running things themselves and gets annoyed when the other spouse comes home and “interferes.” It’s just not good for a couple to get too used to living apart. It becomes self-fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Isn't this what people in the Congress do too?

Some do. Most who have children move their families to DC, especially if the home district is more than a quick plane ride away. It’s also why members having affairs is a problem.

[Anonymous]

My dh (and all his consulting colleagues) are gone 3 days a week and it’s not a big deal. However it’s intense jobs so whether they’re home or not on work days doesn’t make a huge difference to how our house runs. It’d feel very weird to me (in terms of getting annoyed by it) if it was a less intense job and dh got to live the fun life and freedom after 5pm while in raised our kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing that bothers me is that he's so nearby. For people who had to move to a different state to take a job and the dad moved ahead with back and forth visits, with jobs that require travel, or other out of state contracts, there's really no other option. But she's talking about being 50 miles away, and would rather live apart during the week than have her family together. It doesn't make sense to me. All so her kids can go to a nicer elementary school, instead of a good elementary school near where their dad works. She's almost certainly talking about Palo Alto or San Jose, and I promise there are good schools in that area. Especially if it's only for two years and the kids are in elementary school.

I also think it would be rough to move them across the country and almost immediately have dad move out for several days a week. That seems like a lot for little kids to deal with, and I can't imagine doing that if it weren't necessary.

This is OP. Yes we are grappling with this, both DH and I realize it will be a big change for our kids. We are considering cramming into a 1200 SF apartment in the city and exploring parochial schools. The best parochials are full next year, but hopefully there are last minute openings. If we cannot get into a decent school in the city, then we would look at living further away in the good public school system while husband lives in the city for a few years. OR, we just stay where we are now, because we don’t have to move. It has just always been a dream of ours to get to this particular city, and we were initially excited about the opportunity, however I don’t want to do this at our kid’s expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing that bothers me is that he's so nearby. For people who had to move to a different state to take a job and the dad moved ahead with back and forth visits, with jobs that require travel, or other out of state contracts, there's really no other option. But she's talking about being 50 miles away, and would rather live apart during the week than have her family together. It doesn't make sense to me. All so her kids can go to a nicer elementary school, instead of a good elementary school near where their dad works. She's almost certainly talking about Palo Alto or San Jose, and I promise there are good schools in that area. Especially if it's only for two years and the kids are in elementary school.

I also think it would be rough to move them across the country and almost immediately have dad move out for several days a week. That seems like a lot for little kids to deal with, and I can't imagine doing that if it weren't necessary.

This is OP. Yes we are grappling with this, both DH and I realize it will be a big change for our kids. We are considering cramming into a 1200 SF apartment in the city and exploring parochial schools. The best parochials are full next year, but hopefully there are last minute openings. If we cannot get into a decent school in the city, then we would look at living further away in the good public school system while husband lives in the city for a few years. OR, we just stay where we are now, because we don’t have to move. It has just always been a dream of ours to get to this particular city, and we were initially excited about the opportunity, however I don’t want to do this at our kid’s expense.

He’ll be working in SF? Not South Bay? Plenty of people commute to SF from Marin or the East Bay. Albany, Berkeley, and El Cerrito basically exist so people who work in the city can put their kids in decent public schools. Albany has exceptional schools and people are always fighting for transfer spots. But if he’s working in the city, I’m not sure why you think he can’t live with you in Marin, unless you think a commute longer than 15-20 minutes is unacceptable.