Has anyone tried this living scenario?

[Anonymous]

Our family is considering relocating to a HCOL major metro area. We have 2 kids in elementary school. For the first couple years, we are considering living separately where spouse would rent a 1 bedroom close to their work, and I would rent a 2 bedroom for me and 2 kids about 50 miles away. We would do this so our kids could attend an outstanding public school system (public’s are abysmal anywhere close to husband’s job). Husband would spend about 4 days with us, other 3 days during the week at the 1 bedroom in the city.

This would be temporary for about 2 years at which point we would all be together in the town 50 miles away and could buy a place and spouse would no longer have to commute to their job in the city. I want to emphasize the town I would be in with our 2 kids is an excellent city and a place we would like to retire in.

Has anyone tried this type of living arrangement temporarily? If so how did it go?

[Anonymous]

Sounds terrible. I'd rather kids be in an ok school and have their Dad every day.

[Anonymous]

How long does it take to drive the 50 miles?

[Anonymous]

For the cost of the one bedroom’s rent, can’t you just do a cheaper private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the cost of the one bedroom’s rent, can’t you just do a cheaper private school?

+1

[Anonymous]

Any suburbs on regional train or Amtrak lines? Train commute is way more bearable than driving.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those that say having Dad around, even just late at night to kiss them goodnight, is worth it. Do what you can to keep your family together, especially since your children are young.
We moved for a great elementary school, and you know what? We got the new teacher one year; got a teacher who just couldn't stand our DS another year, etc. These things happen.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why your spouse would no longer have to commute after 2 yrs?

[Anonymous]

I do know someone who had a similar setup for work reasons (it was more like a 4 hour distance) BUT they did not do this until kids were in HS, which is very different from doing this with ES aged kids

I'd look for a different solution.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to add that this is a very common practice in Japan (called tanshinfunin) where the dad lives in another town for work while the mom raises the kids pretty much singlehandedly back home, with the dad coming home for some weekends and holidays. They don’t want to disrupt the children’s lives, so they disrupt the adults’ lives. I think it is a very practical arrangement depending on the family.

[Anonymous]

OP, we did something similar for 2 1/2 years. It was totally fine and we found our way to make it work. The kids adapted fine. It was a little harder marriage-wise because I was so used to being “in charge” and driving all the structure of the week that re-integration was challenging - but certainly not insurmountable. I think the person it was the hardest on wasn’t me or the kids- it was DH who got lonely and missed being with us.

So many people will say it’s crazy, etc. But sometimes we need to make decisions that are best for the long-term that entail short term sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Friend of mine did this for three years, until she learned her husband had a second family (GF and newborn) in the city.

Just sayin'.

[Anonymous]

You can probably make it work. Are your kids young elem or older elem? Dad will be around 4 days a week so it's not like they won't see him for weeks on end.

We lived separately on opposite sides of the country for about a year and a half. DH took a job on the west coast and would fly back to DC on most weekends. We eventually decided to move for better school options during Covid. Long story short he lived there with our 10th/11th grader for one year while the rest of the family (12th and 5th grader) stayed back in DC until the senior graduated. The kids were ok with this even though they only saw Dad a few days a month. They were teens and tweens who were starting to not want to be around their parents so much so it worked. They were also very self sufficient which helped.

They were used to not seeing Dad much since he worked long hours when we lived in DC. There were many weeks where he would be at work before they were up and wouldn't be home until after they went to bed so they were used to it.

We are now all (aside from the college kid) in the same city where DH works and it turned out fine. The kids are loving it.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this. They ended up divorced and it was horribly traumatizing for me and my siblings. I’m sure it really depends on the family. But for us it was bad.

[Anonymous]

SF Bay Area?