Has anyone tried this living scenario?

[Anonymous]

Np here. We made the move DC to Bay Area. It’s hard! Good luck.

To answer your question, I had a manager in DC whose wife was a tenured professor elsewhere. He rented a room in a home and basically was there to sleep 3-4 nights a week and would go home 3-4 nights a week. The drive was about 3 hrs I think. To my knowledge, this started when the kids were very young. They’re now grown, he’s near retirement, and they appear to still be happily married after doing this for 20 yrs or so. It wouldn’t be for me, but it works.

(We have lived together in small apartments in CA in towns with good schools by area standards. The schools aren’t as good as some DC area schools or the schools where I grew up. While I wish we had more space, we are able to be outdoors a lot of the year which helps.)

[Anonymous]

what you are proposing sounds no different than many families where consultant parent flies out Sunday night and stays in hotel in other city for week and then flies home for weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what you are proposing sounds no different than many families where consultant parent flies out Sunday night and stays in hotel in other city for week and then flies home for weekend.

Would not want to be the one that travels or voluntarily sign up to do this, but do think a lot of families have this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

This is OP. You are right, we don’t have to do this. However we do not want to retire in our current location, so this would be a short term situation to get us where we would ultimately want to be long term for retirement. I do not like where we are at currently for reasons I don’t want to go into here, and I am the impetus for this potential move if that helps.

I’m still confused about the 2 year only thing. Is he going to retire in 2 years? I think you are making a lot of assumptions. I wouldn’t do it, personally. But I know people who are married to consultants who are gone 4 days a week and even then move their families around so it’s fine. Are you a SAHM? Are you really happy to be a single parent most of the time? I guess I’m really surprised to hear you are the driving force here. It sounds like you are not happy and are grasping at straws to change something. I don’t understand why you can’t move in 2 years? Also does your husband even want to do this? My DH works a lot but he would not be ok with seeing our kids so little and would really resent it if I tried to push him into this. It’s just all very strange

This is OP. I don’t think the “why” behind the two years before my spouse can be with me and the kids is germane to what I am asking. What I am asking is if anyone has lived in this type of scenario before. I’ve gotten some great responses so thanks to those that offered up their experiences, very helpful.

People are asking because you’re choosing this unnecessarily and they’re wondering if it’s likely to turn into an extended living apart scenario or if it’s absolutely finite. Advice will change if it’s definitely 2 years, probably 2 but possibly as long as 5, or could go on forever if we like it but we’re arbitrarily planning on 2. Of course, it’s personal and you don’t have to share more than you want, but it’s not irrelevant.

After your update, I’d definitely advise against it. I’m shocked that your husband would be on board. It sounds like you want a single mom lifestyle during school time, fun dad weekend time, and him to foot the bill by working and maintaining two households, but none of the divorce drama. I love when DH travels for work and I get a chance to miss him, but that doesn’t sound like a good choice for the family to live apart if it’s not necessary.

This is OP. It will be finite for 2 years. I actually work remote and make more than my spouse, and travel 1x a month. Because we have a decent salary I would have a nanny help out with the kids. We just don’t make enough to both live in the city where husband works and send the kids to expensive privates.

I can provide more context if this helps. Husband is on board, and has this opportunity to transfer to CA. If he turns it down, given the age of our kids, and husband’s limited opportunities for transfers, we probably won’t have the opportunity to move to this destination again until kids are done with high school. I can live anywhere given I am remote but it is much harder for my husband to get a transfer. This is a place that we both ultimately want to end up, husband can retire before me, and as we view it, this would be a short term situation to achieve a long term goal of ending up in our dream location. With all that being said, the kids are happy where we are currently, we have friends and a community here, but just aren’t really excited about idea of spending the next decade + here waiting to move states until our youngest is done with high school here.

It’s still really confusing how you know it’ll be 2 years. Will his position change?

The kids are in elementary school. I’d put them in a school you can afford in the city where he’ll transfer to (or nearby where he can commute), then move to Marin when he’s able to move with you in 2 years. Then you can put them in the school you want in Marin. Is he going to be in Mountain View? I’m trying to figure out which school district you have to move 50 miles away from to find decent public schools.

Also, Marin is great, but the whole area is different. We moved to a specific city near DH’s work so we could get our kids into an elementary school with a great schools score of 9, great reviews everywhere we looked, excellent test scores, active PTA, the whole shebang. It’s a smart, wealthy area. The kids excelled in spite of the schools, not because of them. It’s just different here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

This is OP. You are right, we don’t have to do this. However we do not want to retire in our current location, so this would be a short term situation to get us where we would ultimately want to be long term for retirement. I do not like where we are at currently for reasons I don’t want to go into here, and I am the impetus for this potential move if that helps.

I’m still confused about the 2 year only thing. Is he going to retire in 2 years? I think you are making a lot of assumptions. I wouldn’t do it, personally. But I know people who are married to consultants who are gone 4 days a week and even then move their families around so it’s fine. Are you a SAHM? Are you really happy to be a single parent most of the time? I guess I’m really surprised to hear you are the driving force here. It sounds like you are not happy and are grasping at straws to change something. I don’t understand why you can’t move in 2 years? Also does your husband even want to do this? My DH works a lot but he would not be ok with seeing our kids so little and would really resent it if I tried to push him into this. It’s just all very strange

This is OP. I don’t think the “why” behind the two years before my spouse can be with me and the kids is germane to what I am asking. What I am asking is if anyone has lived in this type of scenario before. I’ve gotten some great responses so thanks to those that offered up their experiences, very helpful.

People are asking because you’re choosing this unnecessarily and they’re wondering if it’s likely to turn into an extended living apart scenario or if it’s absolutely finite. Advice will change if it’s definitely 2 years, probably 2 but possibly as long as 5, or could go on forever if we like it but we’re arbitrarily planning on 2. Of course, it’s personal and you don’t have to share more than you want, but it’s not irrelevant.

After your update, I’d definitely advise against it. I’m shocked that your husband would be on board. It sounds like you want a single mom lifestyle during school time, fun dad weekend time, and him to foot the bill by working and maintaining two households, but none of the divorce drama. I love when DH travels for work and I get a chance to miss him, but that doesn’t sound like a good choice for the family to live apart if it’s not necessary.

This is OP. It will be finite for 2 years. I actually work remote and make more than my spouse, and travel 1x a month. Because we have a decent salary I would have a nanny help out with the kids. We just don’t make enough to both live in the city where husband works and send the kids to expensive privates.

I can provide more context if this helps. Husband is on board, and has this opportunity to transfer to CA. If he turns it down, given the age of our kids, and husband’s limited opportunities for transfers, we probably won’t have the opportunity to move to this destination again until kids are done with high school. I can live anywhere given I am remote but it is much harder for my husband to get a transfer. This is a place that we both ultimately want to end up, husband can retire before me, and as we view it, this would be a short term situation to achieve a long term goal of ending up in our dream location. With all that being said, the kids are happy where we are currently, we have friends and a community here, but just aren’t really excited about idea of spending the next decade + here waiting to move states until our youngest is done with high school here.

Why do you need a nanny if the kids are in middle or high school? Marin County is huge -about 830 square miles - while Fairfax County VA is about 400 or 50%.

So what is going on? You want the kids in Marin County and to build a community for your family but most of Marin County [or where you might want to build a permanent community] is too far for the DH commute? Is his job in SF or south of SF-Palo Alto? Another fact is the kids might not get admitted to privates even if the family can pay for them.

Own a house wherever you live now? About 1.5 m in Marin County and commutable to SF so I'm confused https://www.redfin.com/CA/Corte-Madera/153-Yolo-St-94925/home/579306 https://www.redfin.com/CA/Mill-Valley/89-Lomita-Dr-94941/home/585258

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

This is OP. You are right, we don’t have to do this. However we do not want to retire in our current location, so this would be a short term situation to get us where we would ultimately want to be long term for retirement. I do not like where we are at currently for reasons I don’t want to go into here, and I am the impetus for this potential move if that helps.

I’m still confused about the 2 year only thing. Is he going to retire in 2 years? I think you are making a lot of assumptions. I wouldn’t do it, personally. But I know people who are married to consultants who are gone 4 days a week and even then move their families around so it’s fine. Are you a SAHM? Are you really happy to be a single parent most of the time? I guess I’m really surprised to hear you are the driving force here. It sounds like you are not happy and are grasping at straws to change something. I don’t understand why you can’t move in 2 years? Also does your husband even want to do this? My DH works a lot but he would not be ok with seeing our kids so little and would really resent it if I tried to push him into this. It’s just all very strange

This is OP. I don’t think the “why” behind the two years before my spouse can be with me and the kids is germane to what I am asking. What I am asking is if anyone has lived in this type of scenario before. I’ve gotten some great responses so thanks to those that offered up their experiences, very helpful.

People are asking because you’re choosing this unnecessarily and they’re wondering if it’s likely to turn into an extended living apart scenario or if it’s absolutely finite. Advice will change if it’s definitely 2 years, probably 2 but possibly as long as 5, or could go on forever if we like it but we’re arbitrarily planning on 2. Of course, it’s personal and you don’t have to share more than you want, but it’s not irrelevant.

After your update, I’d definitely advise against it. I’m shocked that your husband would be on board. It sounds like you want a single mom lifestyle during school time, fun dad weekend time, and him to foot the bill by working and maintaining two households, but none of the divorce drama. I love when DH travels for work and I get a chance to miss him, but that doesn’t sound like a good choice for the family to live apart if it’s not necessary.

This is OP. It will be finite for 2 years. I actually work remote and make more than my spouse, and travel 1x a month. Because we have a decent salary I would have a nanny help out with the kids. We just don’t make enough to both live in the city where husband works and send the kids to expensive privates.

I can provide more context if this helps. Husband is on board, and has this opportunity to transfer to CA. If he turns it down, given the age of our kids, and husband’s limited opportunities for transfers, we probably won’t have the opportunity to move to this destination again until kids are done with high school. I can live anywhere given I am remote but it is much harder for my husband to get a transfer. This is a place that we both ultimately want to end up, husband can retire before me, and as we view it, this would be a short term situation to achieve a long term goal of ending up in our dream location. With all that being said, the kids are happy where we are currently, we have friends and a community here, but just aren’t really excited about idea of spending the next decade + here waiting to move states until our youngest is done with high school here.

Why do you need a nanny if the kids are in middle or high school? Marin County is huge -about 830 square miles - while Fairfax County VA is about 400 or 50%.

So what is going on? You want the kids in Marin County and to build a community for your family but most of Marin County [or where you might want to build a permanent community] is too far for the DH commute? Is his job in SF or south of SF-Palo Alto? Another fact is the kids might not get admitted to privates even if the family can pay for them.

Own a house wherever you live now? About 1.5 m in Marin County and commutable to SF so I'm confused https://www.redfin.com/CA/Corte-Madera/153-Yolo-St-94925/home/579306 https://www.redfin.com/CA/Mill-Valley/89-Lomita-Dr-94941/home/585258

This is OP. As I explained in the block you quoted, my kids are in elementary and I work full time. Hence the nanny.

Daily commute would be very difficult from Marin on a daily basis. I do agree privates aren’t guaranteed near husband’s work, which is why we are considering this scenario in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

This is OP. You are right, we don’t have to do this. However we do not want to retire in our current location, so this would be a short term situation to get us where we would ultimately want to be long term for retirement. I do not like where we are at currently for reasons I don’t want to go into here, and I am the impetus for this potential move if that helps.

I’m still confused about the 2 year only thing. Is he going to retire in 2 years? I think you are making a lot of assumptions. I wouldn’t do it, personally. But I know people who are married to consultants who are gone 4 days a week and even then move their families around so it’s fine. Are you a SAHM? Are you really happy to be a single parent most of the time? I guess I’m really surprised to hear you are the driving force here. It sounds like you are not happy and are grasping at straws to change something. I don’t understand why you can’t move in 2 years? Also does your husband even want to do this? My DH works a lot but he would not be ok with seeing our kids so little and would really resent it if I tried to push him into this. It’s just all very strange

This is OP. I don’t think the “why” behind the two years before my spouse can be with me and the kids is germane to what I am asking. What I am asking is if anyone has lived in this type of scenario before. I’ve gotten some great responses so thanks to those that offered up their experiences, very helpful.

People are asking because you’re choosing this unnecessarily and they’re wondering if it’s likely to turn into an extended living apart scenario or if it’s absolutely finite. Advice will change if it’s definitely 2 years, probably 2 but possibly as long as 5, or could go on forever if we like it but we’re arbitrarily planning on 2. Of course, it’s personal and you don’t have to share more than you want, but it’s not irrelevant.

After your update, I’d definitely advise against it. I’m shocked that your husband would be on board. It sounds like you want a single mom lifestyle during school time, fun dad weekend time, and him to foot the bill by working and maintaining two households, but none of the divorce drama. I love when DH travels for work and I get a chance to miss him, but that doesn’t sound like a good choice for the family to live apart if it’s not necessary.

This is OP. It will be finite for 2 years. I actually work remote and make more than my spouse, and travel 1x a month. Because we have a decent salary I would have a nanny help out with the kids. We just don’t make enough to both live in the city where husband works and send the kids to expensive privates.

I can provide more context if this helps. Husband is on board, and has this opportunity to transfer to CA. If he turns it down, given the age of our kids, and husband’s limited opportunities for transfers, we probably won’t have the opportunity to move to this destination again until kids are done with high school. I can live anywhere given I am remote but it is much harder for my husband to get a transfer. This is a place that we both ultimately want to end up, husband can retire before me, and as we view it, this would be a short term situation to achieve a long term goal of ending up in our dream location. With all that being said, the kids are happy where we are currently, we have friends and a community here, but just aren’t really excited about idea of spending the next decade + here waiting to move states until our youngest is done with high school here.

Why do you need a nanny if the kids are in middle or high school? Marin County is huge -about 830 square miles - while Fairfax County VA is about 400 or 50%.

So what is going on? You want the kids in Marin County and to build a community for your family but most of Marin County [or where you might want to build a permanent community] is too far for the DH commute? Is his job in SF or south of SF-Palo Alto? Another fact is the kids might not get admitted to privates even if the family can pay for them.

Own a house wherever you live now? About 1.5 m in Marin County and commutable to SF so I'm confused https://www.redfin.com/CA/Corte-Madera/153-Yolo-St-94925/home/579306 https://www.redfin.com/CA/Mill-Valley/89-Lomita-Dr-94941/home/585258

This is OP. As I explained in the block you quoted, my kids are in elementary and I work full time. Hence the nanny.

Daily commute would be very difficult from Marin on a daily basis. I do agree privates aren’t guaranteed near husband’s work, which is why we are considering this scenario in the first place.

Ok - you work full time and the kids are in elementary school. Hence the nanny. The 2 properties I linked might be 3 bed-2 baths. They are within commuting range for the DH so a live out nanny works. Same sex kids-share a room and the third is your office.

What you do depends on the work location in SF and where in the jumbo sized Marin County you want to buy.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm in the minority, but I don't see this as a big deal. My husband worked crazy hours when our kids were young (big law firm) so my kids almost never saw him during the week. I learned to just have the mindset that I'm a single parent and if he can make it home one night to help with carpool or whatever, great, but I didn't count on it.

[Anonymous]

My parents something like this for my senior year of high school. My dad took an apartment near New York City and my mom kept us at home in a better area which took a few hours to drive to and from. Some weekends he came home and some weekends we went there. After a year he hated being in the city and he hated the job. He left the job to move back home. Hedging bets is never a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

My father had a long term consulting contract in another state when I was in elementary school. A few takes:

My mom, a lovely person, was not strict on discipline. When my dad was away, we could eat more adventurous meals, watch more TV, and relax more. When he was at home, it felt a bit more tense. This scenario is specific to their personalities, but I definitely had the sense of living under two different rule sets. It's important to be mindful of that fact.

My dad was outgoing, didn't like staying at his apartment alone. He ended up meeting someone else. My parents separated then got back together years later. How does your husband imagine spending his free time?

I have to admit feeling a bit abandoned at times. My mom needed her downtime. Weekends were more about my dad is here we should do something with him since he was gone most of the week. It felt a bit forced. What kind of support do the kids need?

Each personality is different. Just some questions to consider.

[Anonymous]

I think this seems fine. Lots of people aren’t at home for some nights. I’d hate to live at area though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why your spouse would no longer have to commute after 2 yrs?

Same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

This is OP. You are right, we don’t have to do this. However we do not want to retire in our current location, so this would be a short term situation to get us where we would ultimately want to be long term for retirement. I do not like where we are at currently for reasons I don’t want to go into here, and I am the impetus for this potential move if that helps.

I’m still confused about the 2 year only thing. Is he going to retire in 2 years? I think you are making a lot of assumptions. I wouldn’t do it, personally. But I know people who are married to consultants who are gone 4 days a week and even then move their families around so it’s fine. Are you a SAHM? Are you really happy to be a single parent most of the time? I guess I’m really surprised to hear you are the driving force here. It sounds like you are not happy and are grasping at straws to change something. I don’t understand why you can’t move in 2 years? Also does your husband even want to do this? My DH works a lot but he would not be ok with seeing our kids so little and would really resent it if I tried to push him into this. It’s just all very strange

This is OP. I don’t think the “why” behind the two years before my spouse can be with me and the kids is germane to what I am asking. What I am asking is if anyone has lived in this type of scenario before. I’ve gotten some great responses so thanks to those that offered up their experiences, very helpful.

You really don't get that the "why so certain this will be for two years" matters?

Interesting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father had a long term consulting contract in another state when I was in elementary school. A few takes:

My mom, a lovely person, was not strict on discipline. When my dad was away, we could eat more adventurous meals, watch more TV, and relax more. When he was at home, it felt a bit more tense. This scenario is specific to their personalities, but I definitely had the sense of living under two different rule sets. It's important to be mindful of that fact.

My dad was outgoing, didn't like staying at his apartment alone. He ended up meeting someone else. My parents separated then got back together years later. How does your husband imagine spending his free time?

I have to admit feeling a bit abandoned at times. My mom needed her downtime. Weekends were more about my dad is here we should do something with him since he was gone most of the week. It felt a bit forced. What kind of support do the kids need?

Each personality is different. Just some questions to consider.

Op, this is a really interesting perspective. Hope you read it closely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is HCOL?

High cost of living

Thank you