Why do you think some kids have difficult personalities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above- I want to clarify that I’m not saying that kids who act out always have abusive parents, but rather there’s often something like developmental delays or mental illness or sensory processing challenges behind a child’s behavior.

I agree, and my first thought when I read the OP was actually autism. Often what autistic kids need are things that are considered indulgent by other parents. Parents who are doing a good job raising their autistic kids would probably be accused of having bad boundaries. I have no idea what’s going on with the people OP is talking about but I would assume that a) they are doing their best and b) the kids have special needs and they need something different from what they’re getting.

This is such a valuable observation. Sometimes autistic kids need a level of tenderness and accommodation that simply looks like lazy, bad parenting to someone who has only ever worked with NT kids. Other parents don't understand that the reason you might give an autistic child something they've demanded in a rude voice (without saying please) is because their need for whatever they are asking for is immediate and critical. It's different than an non-autistic child screaming "Gimme another ice cream!" where the appropriate parenting response is to calmly say no and then remove the child from the situation. With an autistic child, they might be screaming that they need to go close the door you just closed themselves, and demand that you open the door so that they can close it. But for the autistic child, this ritual is an actual need, and they may not be able to regain emotional regulation until it happens. It looks like the parent is getting bossed around by the child, but actually the parent is making a calculated choice to accommodate what seems like a random need (and is the result of OCD behaviors that are common in many autistic people) in order to facilitate the child regaining regulation so that you can move forward. It's not lazy, it's a ton of work. But people who don't work with autistic kids don't get that. They think the parents are just being pushovers and that the failure to say no to such requests in the past are causing the behavior to happen now. For a child diagnosed with autism, the opposite is often true -- the parent used to hold firm boundaries in those situations before diagnosis, and has since had to learn how to be flexible in these situations because their child's brain is not wired to learn from that kind of boundary. It's wired to lose control when a boundary like that is set.

Disagree. Children aren’t born with brains wired in stone. The environment largely dictates which way development will go. But few children actually get consistent healthy boundaries, so poor self-regulation has gone off the charts. Most parents are just too exhausted these days to effectively deal with behavior issues. I’ve had some experience with this. The boundaries I established were appropriate and consistent. His parents couldn’t understand why I had no behavior issues with their child. Of course the child needs to feel truly loved, or nothing will work.

Omg are you saying autism doesn’t exist and you can just parent it out of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Past karma. These children have souls that were injured in a previous life by the souls of the parents. They have been born as the children of these parents to make their lives miserable in this life. This is retribution plain and simple.

I'm calling BS on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think our society is not set up in a way where parents and children can truly thrive. The attitude is very “your kid is your problem”. Parents have to work at least 40 hours a week, usually more, so their kids get little attention. They’re thrown into daycares and schools where they are expected to sit still all day and basically raise themselves. There’s a tremendous amount of cultural trauma both parents and children are dealing with. Nobody is given the proper tools for raising children. There’s huge expectations on parents and children to perform to certain standards that aren’t what either are built to do.

For most of human evolution, we lived in small tribes. Everybody knew everybody and everybody helped raise each other’s kids. Kids got to run and play all day, they weren’t forced into chairs. Parents had dozens of other people helping them so they weren’t laboring all day long. Kids had hours each day with their parents. By the time people had kids, they had already helped raise dozens of other children with a wide range of personalities. Even cultural attitudes were different - in many hunter gatherers cultures that exist today, kids are allowed to do whatever they want, even things like playing with sharp knives. They are given much more autonomy. Most of our behavior requirements (sitting still, being quiet, never getting upset or throwing tantrums) are only because as a society we decided these things are a requirement when they’re not natural for kids.

So many of my friends have difficult children. But then I meet up with them, and I can see their kids are just being kids. The problem is they are in the wrong environment. I think we would see a huge reduction in behavior problems if our culture was structured in a way where 1. Kids got several hours a day of time outside playing and moving 2. Kids got several hours a day of focused, positive attention from multiple adults. Not sitting on a park bench saying “good job, Larla!” but actual interacting with the kids.

Unfortunately I don’t see our society getting there anytime soon. But I do hope one day we see the value of families.

Totally agree! Interested parents should read the excellent book, “Hold Onto Your Kids”. It’s truly eye opening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think our society is not set up in a way where parents and children can truly thrive. The attitude is very “your kid is your problem”. Parents have to work at least 40 hours a week, usually more, so their kids get little attention. They’re thrown into daycares and schools where they are expected to sit still all day and basically raise themselves. There’s a tremendous amount of cultural trauma both parents and children are dealing with. Nobody is given the proper tools for raising children. There’s huge expectations on parents and children to perform to certain standards that aren’t what either are built to do.

For most of human evolution, we lived in small tribes. Everybody knew everybody and everybody helped raise each other’s kids. Kids got to run and play all day, they weren’t forced into chairs. Parents had dozens of other people helping them so they weren’t laboring all day long. Kids had hours each day with their parents. By the time people had kids, they had already helped raise dozens of other children with a wide range of personalities. Even cultural attitudes were different - in many hunter gatherers cultures that exist today, kids are allowed to do whatever they want, even things like playing with sharp knives. They are given much more autonomy. Most of our behavior requirements (sitting still, being quiet, never getting upset or throwing tantrums) are only because as a society we decided these things are a requirement when they’re not natural for kids.

So many of my friends have difficult children. But then I meet up with them, and I can see their kids are just being kids. The problem is they are in the wrong environment. I think we would see a huge reduction in behavior problems if our culture was structured in a way where 1. Kids got several hours a day of time outside playing and moving 2. Kids got several hours a day of focused, positive attention from multiple adults. Not sitting on a park bench saying “good job, Larla!” but actual interacting with the kids.

Unfortunately I don’t see our society getting there anytime soon. But I do hope one day we see the value of families.

Totally agree! Interested parents should read the excellent book, “Hold Onto Your Kids”. It’s truly eye opening.

PP. That’s one of my favorite parenting books!

I also love “Grow Wild” for how to get kids outside and moving around more, and the book “Joyous Recovery” which more about working through your own trauma, but he discusses children as well (but, I do believe you need to heal your own wounds to be the best parent possible).

[Anonymous]

Meh, if one child is a jerk, you can blame innate temperament; if both are, you blame the parents.

[Anonymous]

Undiagnosed anxiety. My daughter was a difficult child . I just thought that was her personality. Later after therapy when she was in high school determined it was anxiety that she was unable to express and it came out as anger etc I wish I would have realized sooner. It’s been a difficult path.

[Anonymous]

DCUM: If my child is amazing, its because I am an amazing parent and you should follow my advice with all children; if someone else's child has issues, it's because their parents suck.

Reality: the parents with the most difficult children have to develop more parenting skills in their little pinky than the parent of the easy child will ever have or need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think our society is not set up in a way where parents and children can truly thrive. The attitude is very “your kid is your problem”. Parents have to work at least 40 hours a week, usually more, so their kids get little attention. They’re thrown into daycares and schools where they are expected to sit still all day and basically raise themselves. There’s a tremendous amount of cultural trauma both parents and children are dealing with. Nobody is given the proper tools for raising children. There’s huge expectations on parents and children to perform to certain standards that aren’t what either are built to do.

For most of human evolution, we lived in small tribes. Everybody knew everybody and everybody helped raise each other’s kids. Kids got to run and play all day, they weren’t forced into chairs. Parents had dozens of other people helping them so they weren’t laboring all day long. Kids had hours each day with their parents. By the time people had kids, they had already helped raise dozens of other children with a wide range of personalities. Even cultural attitudes were different - in many hunter gatherers cultures that exist today, kids are allowed to do whatever they want, even things like playing with sharp knives. They are given much more autonomy. Most of our behavior requirements (sitting still, being quiet, never getting upset or throwing tantrums) are only because as a society we decided these things are a requirement when they’re not natural for kids.

So many of my friends have difficult children. But then I meet up with them, and I can see their kids are just being kids. The problem is they are in the wrong environment. I think we would see a huge reduction in behavior problems if our culture was structured in a way where 1. Kids got several hours a day of time outside playing and moving 2. Kids got several hours a day of focused, positive attention from multiple adults. Not sitting on a park bench saying “good job, Larla!” but actual interacting with the kids.

Unfortunately I don’t see our society getting there anytime soon. But I do hope one day we see the value of families.

I totally agree with you on this.

I do think a lot of both of my kids’ issues are due to the environment around them/society being not set up well for their success. Their parents (my spouse and I) work too much and don’t have enough time for the kids/family life, the kids spend too much time sitting in desks/at tables at school, many kids’ activities and extra curriculars start too young and are too intense and too structured. There is not enough free time to just play and enjoy being a kid. I try not to overschedule my kids and that helps but as they get older they want to do the activities their friends do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's probably some combination of genetics/ingrained personality and inadequate parenting. I'm not saying your friends are bad parents per se, but a different approach is needed based on the girls' personality. There may even be some mental health issues going on, like emotional dysregulation or ADHD.

I wonder how those girls are at school. If it's as bad as you say, they must be having issues at school, too.

My kid is younger - just 6, but she is one of those kids who is generally well behaved at school (problem areas are too talkative/trouble staying in her seat/raising hand instead of calling out, and her teacher is a sticker for that stuff), very easygoing and friendly, but it uses up everything she has and at home she is incredibly difficult. She kicked me in the face this year. I have learned to keep physical distance from her in a tantrum. We finally got into counseling in the fall and the counselor we found with availability after nearly a year of searching was a recent grad who also couldn’t figure out how to get my kid to talk to her. She has been like this since she was little - she shuts down then explodes and we very rarely find out what is bothering her. Our natural parenting style is also not a good fit for her particular personality, which I’m sure compounded the issue and has made things much harder for everyone. She can be such a neat kid, and has so many wonderful qualities, but at home we only get glimpses of that. Everyone else gets that all of the time. A teacher saw her in a mood recently and was shocked that DD acted that way.

Our 3 yo is completely different.

I know this gets thrown around but have you had her evaluated for ADHD? It’s sometimes hard to see in girls. Sounds so much like my daughter who was diagnosed at 7. She mostly holds it together at school but is very depleted. I have come to realize that even when she can do it, it takes 10x as much energy for her to not call out or jump out of her chair. So yea she’s worn out by that. Getting diagnosis has really changed my approach to things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's probably some combination of genetics/ingrained personality and inadequate parenting. I'm not saying your friends are bad parents per se, but a different approach is needed based on the girls' personality. There may even be some mental health issues going on, like emotional dysregulation or ADHD.

I wonder how those girls are at school. If it's as bad as you say, they must be having issues at school, too.

My kid is younger - just 6, but she is one of those kids who is generally well behaved at school (problem areas are too talkative/trouble staying in her seat/raising hand instead of calling out, and her teacher is a sticker for that stuff), very easygoing and friendly, but it uses up everything she has and at home she is incredibly difficult. She kicked me in the face this year. I have learned to keep physical distance from her in a tantrum. We finally got into counseling in the fall and the counselor we found with availability after nearly a year of searching was a recent grad who also couldn’t figure out how to get my kid to talk to her. She has been like this since she was little - she shuts down then explodes and we very rarely find out what is bothering her. Our natural parenting style is also not a good fit for her particular personality, which I’m sure compounded the issue and has made things much harder for everyone. She can be such a neat kid, and has so many wonderful qualities, but at home we only get glimpses of that. Everyone else gets that all of the time. A teacher saw her in a mood recently and was shocked that DD acted that way.

Our 3 yo is completely different.

I know this gets thrown around but have you had her evaluated for ADHD? It’s sometimes hard to see in girls. Sounds so much like my daughter who was diagnosed at 7. She mostly holds it together at school but is very depleted. I have come to realize that even when she can do it, it takes 10x as much energy for her to not call out or jump out of her chair. So yea she’s worn out by that. Getting diagnosis has really changed my approach to things.

+1 this was my immediate thought too

[Anonymous]

I’m a nanny to a 13 year old who is extremely violent. Has always been but of course it’s getting worse as he is now getting big. What sets him off is typically little things. I handed him the iPad the wrong way. His water is too cold/ not cold enough. Things like this will get me hit or bitten . No consequence ever from the parent. We all just deal with being physically and emotionally abused. My mental health has suffered so much . I just want to die most days as I feel like such a failure z I try so hard to meet his every need but everything I do is wrong no matter how I do it he is upset. It makes me so sad that he is always so angry at everyone around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny to a 13 year old who is extremely violent. Has always been but of course it’s getting worse as he is now getting big. What sets him off is typically little things. I handed him the iPad the wrong way. His water is too cold/ not cold enough. Things like this will get me hit or bitten . No consequence ever from the parent. We all just deal with being physically and emotionally abused. My mental health has suffered so much . I just want to die most days as I feel like such a failure z I try so hard to meet his every need but everything I do is wrong no matter how I do it he is upset. It makes me so sad that he is always so angry at everyone around him.

Why do you work for them? Seriously, if you are the kind of person who is open to working with special needs teenagers, there are many families who will be happy to hire you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny to a 13 year old who is extremely violent. Has always been but of course it’s getting worse as he is now getting big. What sets him off is typically little things. I handed him the iPad the wrong way. His water is too cold/ not cold enough. Things like this will get me hit or bitten . No consequence ever from the parent. We all just deal with being physically and emotionally abused. My mental health has suffered so much . I just want to die most days as I feel like such a failure z I try so hard to meet his every need but everything I do is wrong no matter how I do it he is upset. It makes me so sad that he is always so angry at everyone around him.

Sounds like the parents have created this monster child. I’m sorry, but the more is violent behavior has no effective consequences, the more the violence will escalate. I’m begging you to get out of that hell hole ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the girls are getting enough sleep? There are many children who simply do not get enough hours of sleep each night due to family schedules, and I think this affects many children.