Why do you think some kids have difficult personalities?

[Anonymous]

Do you think they were born with this personality?

I have a friend who has two girls with very difficult personalities. Both kids seem to have major anger management issues, like violent throwing hitting screaming behavior over small disagreements. I have known them for years and these girls seem the most severe. Both parents are great. They try to discipline but doesn’t get anywhere. Kids will hit one another and the parents. They are in early elementary and will scratch and bruise their parents.

[Anonymous]

Some kids are difficult or have underlying mental or physical illness and other kids have bad family situations that are out of the kids' control (parents stressed or alcoholics or have money trouble or family strife or whatever). Just because parents look good on outside also doesn't mean they are good at home. If they have difficult children and want help, they should try parenting classes or get their kids whatever help they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are difficult or have underlying mental or physical illness and other kids have bad family situations that are out of the kids' control (parents stressed or alcoholics or have money trouble or family strife or whatever). Just because parents look good on outside also doesn't mean they are good at home. If they have difficult children and want help, they should try parenting classes or get their kids whatever help they need.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

Completely abnormal. And really sad for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

I don’t think the parents are violent. You are right. I don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

Inconsistent parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

I don’t think the parents are violent. You are right. I don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

I didn't necessarily mean that the parents are violent; there are many things that could contribute to that dynamic.

My 10 year old DD can be difficult at times, and we've worked hard over the past few years to improve our dynamic and help her better understand things that negatively influence her moods. But having kids that old physically harm their parents, regularly, and have temper tantrums that extreme, is unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inconsistent parenting

I really struggle with consistency and boundaries as a parent. My kids have never hit me or yelled at me or anything like that. I can count on one hand the number of times they hit each other and it never happened past age 5 or so. They don’t throw fits over little disappointments.

I am sure these parents could use some parenting advice (I think we all could) but there is no way the “cause” of this is inconsistent parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Alternatively, your individual influence over children diminishes the more you have. Parents of onlies have immense influence. Parents of two kids must split their influence with the influence of a sibling dynamic. And so on. There are of course genetics at play, but all people are heavily influenced by their environment and in particular by the people around them.

I think one reason a lot of people will discount parental influence is because they don't understand how influence works. Like one dynamic I see a lot is the perfectionist parent who is always correcting and pushing their kid and then gets frustrated when their child does not respond by becoming exacting and hard working like them. But that's because the parent's behavior is making the child terrified of making mistakes, so the child learns to not try at all as a defense mechanism. The unintentional consequences of crappy parenting are often right in front of them, but the parent will say "huh, I guess this child is just genetically predisposed for laziness." So little self awareness.

[Anonymous]

It's probably some combination of genetics/ingrained personality and inadequate parenting. I'm not saying your friends are bad parents per se, but a different approach is needed based on the girls' personality. There may even be some mental health issues going on, like emotional dysregulation or ADHD.

I wonder how those girls are at school. If it's as bad as you say, they must be having issues at school, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Alternatively, your individual influence over children diminishes the more you have. Parents of onlies have immense influence. Parents of two kids must split their influence with the influence of a sibling dynamic. And so on. There are of course genetics at play, but all people are heavily influenced by their environment and in particular by the people around them.

I think one reason a lot of people will discount parental influence is because they don't understand how influence works. Like one dynamic I see a lot is the perfectionist parent who is always correcting and pushing their kid and then gets frustrated when their child does not respond by becoming exacting and hard working like them. But that's because the parent's behavior is making the child terrified of making mistakes, so the child learns to not try at all as a defense mechanism. The unintentional consequences of crappy parenting are often right in front of them, but the parent will say "huh, I guess this child is just genetically predisposed for laziness." So little self awareness.

How many kids do you have?