Why do you think some kids have difficult personalities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inconsistent parenting

I really struggle with consistency and boundaries as a parent. My kids have never hit me or yelled at me or anything like that. I can count on one hand the number of times they hit each other and it never happened past age 5 or so. They don’t throw fits over little disappointments.

I am sure these parents could use some parenting advice (I think we all could) but there is no way the “cause” of this is inconsistent parenting.

It’s always the cause. I’ve seen it a thousand times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inconsistent parenting

I really struggle with consistency and boundaries as a parent. My kids have never hit me or yelled at me or anything like that. I can count on one hand the number of times they hit each other and it never happened past age 5 or so. They don’t throw fits over little disappointments.

I am sure these parents could use some parenting advice (I think we all could) but there is no way the “cause” of this is inconsistent parenting.

It’s always the cause. I’ve seen it a thousand times.

Okay….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Alternatively, your individual influence over children diminishes the more you have. Parents of onlies have immense influence. Parents of two kids must split their influence with the influence of a sibling dynamic. And so on. There are of course genetics at play, but all people are heavily influenced by their environment and in particular by the people around them.

I think one reason a lot of people will discount parental influence is because they don't understand how influence works. Like one dynamic I see a lot is the perfectionist parent who is always correcting and pushing their kid and then gets frustrated when their child does not respond by becoming exacting and hard working like them. But that's because the parent's behavior is making the child terrified of making mistakes, so the child learns to not try at all as a defense mechanism. The unintentional consequences of crappy parenting are often right in front of them, but the parent will say "huh, I guess this child is just genetically predisposed for laziness." So little self awareness.

How many kids do you have?

9

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inconsistent parenting

I really struggle with consistency and boundaries as a parent. My kids have never hit me or yelled at me or anything like that. I can count on one hand the number of times they hit each other and it never happened past age 5 or so. They don’t throw fits over little disappointments.

I am sure these parents could use some parenting advice (I think we all could) but there is no way the “cause” of this is inconsistent parenting.

+1, I've had lots of inconsistent moments as a parent, days where I caved to whining or indulged a child's ridiculous demand simply because it got me one step closer to bedtime. I'm a deeply imperfect parent and I know it. Kid is still pretty well behaved and definitely does not hit or scratch anyone, and definitely not me.

There is something else going on here that OP is simply not privy to. Maybe special needs that are going untreated and maybe even punished? Maybe a parent with a nasty temper who is modeling violent and uncontrolled behavior (both teaching the girls to behave that way and also increasing overall behavioral issues by causing them to feel unsafe at home). Maybe a serious trauma OP is unaware of that is not being addressed. There is no way this is just the result of mediocre parenting because I'm a mediocre parent and I've never experienced anything like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Alternatively, your individual influence over children diminishes the more you have. Parents of onlies have immense influence. Parents of two kids must split their influence with the influence of a sibling dynamic. And so on. There are of course genetics at play, but all people are heavily influenced by their environment and in particular by the people around them.

I think one reason a lot of people will discount parental influence is because they don't understand how influence works. Like one dynamic I see a lot is the perfectionist parent who is always correcting and pushing their kid and then gets frustrated when their child does not respond by becoming exacting and hard working like them. But that's because the parent's behavior is making the child terrified of making mistakes, so the child learns to not try at all as a defense mechanism. The unintentional consequences of crappy parenting are often right in front of them, but the parent will say "huh, I guess this child is just genetically predisposed for laziness." So little self awareness.

How many kids do you have?

9

😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inconsistent parenting

I really struggle with consistency and boundaries as a parent. My kids have never hit me or yelled at me or anything like that. I can count on one hand the number of times they hit each other and it never happened past age 5 or so. They don’t throw fits over little disappointments.

I am sure these parents could use some parenting advice (I think we all could) but there is no way the “cause” of this is inconsistent parenting.

It’s always the cause. I’ve seen it a thousand times.

DP. It's not quite that simple. Kids have different personalities and consistent discipline that works for one may not necessarily work for the other. And if you're taking the wrong approach based on the issue or what the child needs, being consistent isn't going to make much of a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Alternatively, your individual influence over children diminishes the more you have. Parents of onlies have immense influence. Parents of two kids must split their influence with the influence of a sibling dynamic. And so on. There are of course genetics at play, but all people are heavily influenced by their environment and in particular by the people around them.

I think one reason a lot of people will discount parental influence is because they don't understand how influence works. Like one dynamic I see a lot is the perfectionist parent who is always correcting and pushing their kid and then gets frustrated when their child does not respond by becoming exacting and hard working like them. But that's because the parent's behavior is making the child terrified of making mistakes, so the child learns to not try at all as a defense mechanism. The unintentional consequences of crappy parenting are often right in front of them, but the parent will say "huh, I guess this child is just genetically predisposed for laziness." So little self awareness.

How many kids do you have?

9

😂😂😂

🤣🤣🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Different phenotypes have different heritabilities. You can actually look this stuff up, if you’re interested in the research vs. what randos on the internet have to say.

[Anonymous]

Parents don't know how to be adults and parent properly.

They have themselves not been raised with consistent and present parents.

Do these parents both WOH or is one a SAHP?

[Anonymous]

These are neglected kids who have been given material things but not the love and time of the parents.

[Anonymous]

Past karma. These children have souls that were injured in a previous life by the souls of the parents. They have been born as the children of these parents to make their lives miserable in this life. This is retribution plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Different phenotypes have different heritabilities. You can actually look this stuff up, if you’re interested in the research vs. what randos on the internet have to say.

And if you look at the research, what you find is that it is not nature OR nurture but always, always, some combination of both. Also lots of evidence that even highly heritable traits are influenced by environmental factors.

The idea that a child is just born violent or badly-behaved is in no way supported by scientific evidence, which shows that parents have a large degree of influence on behavior and temperament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Different phenotypes have different heritabilities. You can actually look this stuff up, if you’re interested in the research vs. what randos on the internet have to say.

And if you look at the research, what you find is that it is not nature OR nurture but always, always, some combination of both. Also lots of evidence that even highly heritable traits are influenced by environmental factors.

The idea that a child is just born violent or badly-behaved is in no way supported by scientific evidence, which shows that parents have a large degree of influence on behavior and temperament.

PP you’re quoting and yes, exactly. Now, there can be really awful, abusive (and neglectful) parents, and truly traumatizing environmental conditions. Those are the exceptions, though. On the flip side, people can be wonderful parents and still have kids who struggle. Again: nature interacting with nurture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Different phenotypes have different heritabilities. You can actually look this stuff up, if you’re interested in the research vs. what randos on the internet have to say.

And if you look at the research, what you find is that it is not nature OR nurture but always, always, some combination of both. Also lots of evidence that even highly heritable traits are influenced by environmental factors.

The idea that a child is just born violent or badly-behaved is in no way supported by scientific evidence, which shows that parents have a large degree of influence on behavior and temperament.

PP you’re quoting and yes, exactly. Now, there can be really awful, abusive (and neglectful) parents, and truly traumatizing environmental conditions. Those are the exceptions, though. On the flip side, people can be wonderful parents and still have kids who struggle. Again: nature interacting with nurture.

Op here. I really don’t think the child is neglected or abused. Sure, I’m sure they parents argue. Who doesn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about scratching and bruising their parents makes me think that there is a mental health issue and not just a parenting issue. Even parents who are bad at discipline and boundaries Won’t have kids scratching their faces and bruising them.

When I first met the mom, she had some scratches. I thought she had a cat. Later learned the kid scratched her. Kid was a toddler so I thought nothing of it. It is many years later and oldest is now 9. Dad had scratches and bruises recently from the girl. I have seen both girls have massive screaming throwing fits over very small things like food not being exactly how she wanted it or flavor ice cream ran out.

What you describe goes beyond "difficult personality," OP. Especially if the parents haven't figured out in all these years how to reduce the physical aggression, something's up (something you're not aware of). Situations that extreme are almost always some combination of genes and environment.

Probably a lot less environment and a lot more genes.

The more children you have, the more you realize how little influence you actually have.

Different phenotypes have different heritabilities. You can actually look this stuff up, if you’re interested in the research vs. what randos on the internet have to say.

And if you look at the research, what you find is that it is not nature OR nurture but always, always, some combination of both. Also lots of evidence that even highly heritable traits are influenced by environmental factors.

The idea that a child is just born violent or badly-behaved is in no way supported by scientific evidence, which shows that parents have a large degree of influence on behavior and temperament.

PP you’re quoting and yes, exactly. Now, there can be really awful, abusive (and neglectful) parents, and truly traumatizing environmental conditions. Those are the exceptions, though. On the flip side, people can be wonderful parents and still have kids who struggle. Again: nature interacting with nurture.

Yes, absolutely. This is why "parent the child you have" is good advice. All children are going to bring certain predispositions to the table. If you try to fight against those predispositions because you reject them or think your kid should be different, you actually risk creating much, much worse problems for you and the child moving forward. And parents in that situation will sometimes blame genetics ("he's always been like this, I have no influence") but overlook the ways that their refusal to simple accept that these are aspects of their child's personality or brain wiring and work with them are environmental factors that are causing the problem behavior.

Most parents of SN kids figure this out -- kids might deal with the same issue no matter their environment, but the outcomes can be so much better in an environment that understands and works within the child's unique needs than in one that simply expects the child to "act normal". Nature and nurture, holding hands.