Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now might be the time to ask your DC what she REALLY thinks. If she doesn’t like it have her ask grandma. Please don’t call me that ! My name is Sarah.

I mean, this is not a terrible approach.

But I also think we do our kids a service by teaching tolerance and an understanding that we can't control our environment and everything around us. There is no reason in this thread so far to think that grandma is anything other than a loving presence in the child's life who wants to bond with her. This use of a nickname is not malicious or manipulative or intended to cause any harm at all. In fact, quite the opposite. So why not just let it go?

But it is manipulative, even if it’s not intentional. Grandma is trying to co-opt a level of intimacy that the parents have built with the child. This is not a nickname that was born organically out of grandma-granddaughter relationship.

If grandma tried to pull this with an adult, she would be shut down pretty quickly. Most adults I know would find it uncomfortable if a friend decided to use a pet name their husband uses. Yet we think it’s perfectly ok to violate children’s intimacy boundaries this way.

There is an awful lot of imputed intentions and charged language here. Also likely- grandma heard the nickname, thought it was adorable, and started using it. It is not uncommon in families for a nickname to be used by a lot of family members.
And "violating intimacy boundaries" is... an odd use of all three words individually, and more odd when strung together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now might be the time to ask your DC what she REALLY thinks. If she doesn’t like it have her ask grandma. Please don’t call me that ! My name is Sarah.

I mean, this is not a terrible approach.

But I also think we do our kids a service by teaching tolerance and an understanding that we can't control our environment and everything around us. There is no reason in this thread so far to think that grandma is anything other than a loving presence in the child's life who wants to bond with her. This use of a nickname is not malicious or manipulative or intended to cause any harm at all. In fact, quite the opposite. So why not just let it go?

But it is manipulative, even if it’s not intentional. Grandma is trying to co-opt a level of intimacy that the parents have built with the child. This is not a nickname that was born organically out of grandma-granddaughter relationship.

If grandma tried to pull this with an adult, she would be shut down pretty quickly. Most adults I know would find it uncomfortable if a friend decided to use a pet name their husband uses. Yet we think it’s perfectly ok to violate children’s intimacy boundaries this way.

There is an awful lot of imputed intentions and charged language here. Also likely- grandma heard the nickname, thought it was adorable, and started using it. It is not uncommon in families for a nickname to be used by a lot of family members.
And "violating intimacy boundaries" is... an odd use of all three words individually, and more odd when strung together.

I did not say this is was intentionally malicious. But it is still manipulative. It’s like when someone love bombs you, they are essentially trying to force a level of intimacy that has not organically developed.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to stay home if she will not comply with house rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL recently started calling my kid by the pet name that only I and DH use. It grates on me when she says it. Kid thinks it's weird but tends to bend over backwards for people and when I asked if she cared just said, "well it's really for you and daddy at home, but I guess it's okay."

When MIL has used the name, I at first was surprised and let it go, but after seeing my kid make a face, I tried correcting and saying "Schmoopy? Oh, you mean Sarah?" which I realize is a little passive aggressive. Next time I said, "sorry, it's funny to hear you use that name, it's really just a nickname DH and I use." After that she seemed to do it even more!

I wish I could be more laid back, but it feels like nails on a chalkboard. Advice?

First of all I doubt the child actually said this. But lets say she did. If this is actually how she feels about the name, it doesn't sound like she even wants you to use it in front of other people, including Grandma. So I would just stop. Tell her you don't call DD that any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it: if it’s such a “private nickname,” how did she hear it in the first place?!

-DIL who strongly dislikes her ILs but doesn’t begrudge them a little overheard nickname appropriation

Exactly. If you call her the nickname in front of anyone, that person is allowed to use it. You sound really weird, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it: if it’s such a “private nickname,” how did she hear it in the first place?!

-DIL who strongly dislikes her ILs but doesn’t begrudge them a little overheard nickname appropriation

Exactly. If you call her the nickname in front of anyone, that person is allowed to use it. You sound really weird, OP.

She is like the OP of the other thread (MIL gets up when baby cries) fast-forwarded a few years.

[Anonymous]

I thought this was going to be about a grandma who made up a nickname for your child that you don't like. This is NOTHING.

My kids have a great-aunt who gave them weird nicknames that no one else uses and we have no idea how she came up with them. Now THAT is grating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone freezes and looks at her funny each time she uses it.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself why you care? I am guessing you care because it is your mother-in-law. I am also guessing it wouldn't bother you if it were your own mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL recently started calling my kid by the pet name that only I and DH use. It grates on me when she says it. Kid thinks it's weird but tends to bend over backwards for people and when I asked if she cared just said, "well it's really for you and daddy at home, but I guess it's okay."

When MIL has used the name, I at first was surprised and let it go, but after seeing my kid make a face, I tried correcting and saying "Schmoopy? Oh, you mean Sarah?" which I realize is a little passive aggressive. Next time I said, "sorry, it's funny to hear you use that name, it's really just a nickname DH and I use." After that she seemed to do it even more!

I wish I could be more laid back, but it feels like nails on a chalkboard. Advice?

First of all I doubt the child actually said this. But lets say she did. If this is actually how she feels about the name, it doesn't sound like she even wants you to use it in front of other people, including Grandma. So I would just stop. Tell her you don't call DD that any more.

I disagree with this advice. If the child doesn't like the nickname, then THE CHILD tells grandma she doesn't like the nickname. If it's true that the kid doesn't like the nickname, then you need to teach her to stand up for herself. But if she doesn't like granny calling her the nickname, it's also entirely possible that she doesn't like YOU calling her the nickname so maybe you should talk to her about that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself why you care? I am guessing you care because it is your mother-in-law. I am also guessing it wouldn't bother you if it were your own mother.

+100

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

I appreciate the responses, even the ones telling me to get therapy! I posted precisely because I know that this shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I will keep trying to let it go from my perspective, but when my daughter looks uncomfortable, I want to help her.

I think the poster who said that the nickname implied a level of intimacy that MIL does not have hit the nail on the head. It's almost like hearing a school teacher or a cashier call you honey-love-buns or some other nonsense. MIL is not a touchy feely lovey person and we're not that close, so it's disconcerting.

My daughter might not want me calling her the nickname in front of her elementary school class, but it's how she refers to herself at home (e.g., yesterday she left a note and signed it with the nickname, she used it last week on our Scrabble scoresheet). I do appreciate the reminder that she may grow out of us using the nickname. That will likely happen.

I'll remind my daughter that she can always tell people, including me, if she wants to be called a certain way. TY!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself why you care? I am guessing you care because it is your mother-in-law. I am also guessing it wouldn't bother you if it were your own mother.

+100

OP again. No, it would bother me if it were my mom! Like if my mom started using my pet name for my husband! But it would be so much easier to talk to her about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself why you care? I am guessing you care because it is your mother-in-law. I am also guessing it wouldn't bother you if it were your own mother.

+100

OP again. No, it would bother me if it were my mom! Like if my mom started using my pet name for my husband! But it would be so much easier to talk to her about it.

NP. My spouse has a pet name for me that's used by one other person: my BIL's frat brother "Moose" who I think just assumes that no one goes by their real names. It's never bothered me, but I respect that it might reasonably bother some people.

[Anonymous]

OP, I actually have a similar experience and I'd feel the same way. I get the "nails on a chalkboard" feeling. I think it's because my MIL has been very bad with boundaries and it feels like it's just "one more thing" that is frustrating to me. I can't really articulate it more than that, but to me, it's irritating, and even though I can't fully explain it, I hear you and I get it.