DH insists 6 month old DD sleeps with us

[Anonymous]

We have a 6 month old DD who sleeps in a crib in our room. DH works weekdays and I work weekends, so our rule has always been whoever doesn't have work the next day takes care of her at night. That's worked well for us until recently, when DD became mobile and decided crawling around her crib and talking to herself in the middle of the night is more fun than sleeping. Now most nights she wakes up around 1 or 2am and is up for hours. And, surprise, guess who doesn't take care of her on his nights? When it's my turn I get up and feed her as soon as she makes any noise so that hopefully she never fully wakes up to play and will go right back to sleep. On DH's nights he waits until she is yelling and screaming to feed her and by that point she's up for the night. I'm really sensitive to noise and have a hard time getting back to sleep so it becomes several hours of me laying in bed unable to sleep. DH, of course, can sleep through all of it.

I keep pushing for her to go into her own room but DH refuses. He claims it's for safety reasons but most nights she ends up in bed with us, and that's even more dangerous than being in her own room. This is the second night in a row I've been up since 2am. DH implies that I'm a shitty mother for wanting her in her own room and for being too exhausted to interact with her during the day, or says she's awake so much because I'm doing something wrong. I'm going to insist today that either she moves into another room or I am, but DH will throw a fit. I really don't know why he wants her in our room so badly.

Tell me I'm not being unreasonable. I don't know of any other couples where the DH insists the baby sleep in their room.

[Anonymous]

The two of you, together, need to make a commitment to sleep training your daughter. That doesn't mean crying it out. It means sleep training.

When she wakes at night for playtime and unnecessary feeding, you need to have a plan for how to deal with it. Be on the same page.

I agree with you that she's too old to sleep in your room.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that you need to sleep train. This is easier to do if she is in her own room.
Ask him specifically how he feels she is safer in your room? If you have a monitor on you will here her if she is in her own room.

[Anonymous]

Above PP again, maybe for some harmony in the relationship tell him you would like to try it for 3 days. After that you will both discuss and see if you wantto keep doing it or if she should come back in. This may make him less likely to resist an all out move.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a pediatric appointment soon? Any chance the ped would back you up that separate room and crib is healthy and sleep is important.?

You might also remind DH the sleep (even for baby) is on of most critical needs for health and learning. Developing uninterrupted nightly sleep is important. Pediatrician could agree with that.

Can you sleep in separate room when it is not your night for baby?

[Anonymous]

Go sleep in a separate room when it's his night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go sleep in a separate room when it's his night.

+1
This. See how long he keeps up the "safety" idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go sleep in a separate room when it's his night.

This. If you don't have a guest bed, sleep on the living room couch. Let him deal with the situation he's creating.

[Anonymous]

I'd put a bed in the baby's room and let husband and baby sleep in the other. We agreed not to cosleep but if I had wanted the baby in our room, I would not think my husband should have the right to override it and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a pediatric appointment soon? Any chance the ped would back you up that separate room and crib is healthy and sleep is important.?

You might also remind DH the sleep (even for baby) is on of most critical needs for health and learning. Developing uninterrupted nightly sleep is important. Pediatrician could agree with that.

Can you sleep in separate room when it is not your night for baby?

+1

My thought too was to enlist the pediatrician ASAP. Talk to the doctor beforehand -- frankly, get the doctor to say what you need said here. Some people will listen to a professional like a doctor much better than they listen to their own spouse. Sad, but true.

It is utterly unsafe to have your baby in the bed. You know that and he's being obtuse and stubborn. There is a lot online about the dangers of having babies in bed; find the articles and show him. Babies can and do end up smothered amid adult blankets and pillows. And it's lousy for you and your husband as a couple. Sleeping together once in a while for comfort if a baby is really upset or just for snuggling? Fine. But first you need to get baby OK with a crib that is not in your room.

Do sleep train. As another PP said, that does not mean "cry it out," which your pediatrician will tell you is a bad idea (Go ahead, cry it out parents, have at me, I don't care). That means putting baby in her crib and going back (silently, not interacting) every five minutes, then every 10, then every 15 so she gets reassurance but does NOT come out of the crib. It might mean, for a time, one of you sitting next to the crib with one hand lightly on her as she falls asleep. You will not be doing this when she's five, or even when she's one, if you are calm and consistent about it now. We graduated from a light touch on our DD as she fell asleep, to my sitting in the hall a short while where she could see me, to our being able to put her to bed in the crib a little awake and just fine.

Your husband may be thinking it's just easier to keep her in your room and your bed than to sleep train. But keeping her in your room will end up with her being so used to it she'll be there way too long. That is bad for your sex life and bad for her ability to be OK being alone at times.

We knew a couple like you, where the husband wanted the baby in their room. The kid stayed until he was four because mom didn't put her foot down. I can't imagine it.

[Anonymous]

On the nights you want a solid sleep, if it's getting to you, sleep in another room. This waking to play and move about phase should end soon. My daughter did this at some point, and we were cosleeping, so she'd be sitting there in the bed with us, babbling away. We didn't interact, and pretended to be asleep, but it was a tough phase for me, as a light sleeper.

[Anonymous]

Sleep train and stop feeding her in the middle of the night. And on his nights sleep on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I wrote my original post after laying in bed for hours and crying because I couldn't sleep. I have a better perspective on things now.

I talked with dH today and he got pretty upset over moving DD out. I finally got him to agree on trying it for one week. Fingers crossed it works out!

[Anonymous]

Your husband wants the baby in your room because on "his" nights he is simply too lazy to walk into another room to tend to her.

And/or he thinks if she cries long + hard enough, that hopefully her crying will make you throw in the towel and get up w/her so he doesn't have to.

Either way, he is acting like a jerk right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The two of you, together, need to make a commitment to sleep training your daughter. That doesn't mean crying it out. It means sleep training.

When she wakes at night for playtime and unnecessary feeding, you need to have a plan for how to deal with it. Be on the same page.

I agree with you that she's too old to sleep in your room.

too old at 6 months???