Second parent adoption?

[Anonymous]

So my wife and I did reciprocal IVF to have our child, born in the District, both our names are on the birth certificate... yadda yadda yadda. We were feeling pretty confident that second parent wasn't necessary, however with the new administration and the open supreme court seats, I'm feeling nervous.

If you've had biological children with both of your names on the birth certificate, have you done second parent adoption? Are you considering, reconsidering it?

Not sure if it's overkill or necessary.

[Anonymous]

We were advised to do so, and did--and this was before the administration change. The main reason was that if we separated or if I died, I/my family wouldn't be able to contest the parental rights of my wife. Not that I think any of that is particularly likely, but the additional protection seemed worthwhile. The legal weight of birth certificates hasn't been tested yet--at least that's what our lawyers said (though, admittedly it's in their financial best interest to recommend that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were advised to do so, and did--and this was before the administration change. The main reason was that if we separated or if I died, I/my family wouldn't be able to contest the parental rights of my wife. Not that I think any of that is particularly likely, but the additional protection seemed worthwhile. The legal weight of birth certificates hasn't been tested yet--at least that's what our lawyers said (though, admittedly it's in their financial best interest to recommend that).

Thanks for sharing this. That was our understanding as well and the prospect seemed so unlikely that it didn't seem worth it. But now I'm not so sure...

[Anonymous]

Our son was born in the district (we have since moved out of the area) and both names are on his birth certificate. He has my wife's last name. I carried him. We have not done 2nd parent adoption, but if we had the resources to do it now we certainly would. My mom, who would be the next of kin if something were to happen, has strict instructions to make sure that my wife's parental rights are not trampled, and I trust her on this matter.

It might be necessary overkill, depending on how the next few years go...

[Anonymous]

Everything I have read say do it (we did it 10y ago!) From the Queer Mamas group:

I am the Family Law Director at the National Center for Lesbian Rights, and a queer mama. I would like everyone to know that yes, you do really need an adoption or other court judgment of parentage* if you are not a genetic parent (whether or not you gave birth)** or you did not give birth and you used assisted reproduction (anything other than intercourse between two intended parents). If an attorney has told you that you do not need to do this, they are wrong. This is the ONLY way to guarantee that you will be respected as parent in your home state and if you move or travel. If you are married, you would get an adoption using the stepparent adoption procedures. This is true even if: 1) you are on the birth certificate, 2) you are married, 3) all your relatives are supportive or you have no relatives, 4) your partner/spouse would never try to keep you from your child. We recommend an adoption or parentage judgment no matter what state you live in the U.S. There are a dozens of different ways you could lose your child if you do not have an adoption or court judgment, and I think I've seen them all. No one expects them to happen. Yes, it is wrong that you have to adopt your own child, and I have devoted my career to working for the day when that will not be necessary. But we are not there yet, and we have to protect our children in the meantime. I also give this advice to non-LGBT parents who use assisted reproduction, and I have seen them lose their children as well. It is more likely to happen to LGBT parents because of homophobia and transphobia, so it is even more important for us to do. I have worked on hundreds of cases involving LGBT parents who have lost or are at risk of losing their children. I am one of the leading experts on LGBT family law in the U.S. Please be the parent who comes to me when you are happy trying to protect your family, not the distraught parent who has lost his or her child.

[Anonymous]

Every same sex couple with children that I know who hasn't done this yet, is doing so because of the administration change.

[Anonymous]

I would. Call Jennifer Fairfax. She specializes in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every same sex couple with children that I know who hasn't done this yet, is doing so because of the administration change.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is absolutely maddening, but thanks to whomever resurrected this thread. Someone posted info from a Queer mamas group. What group is this? Is it open? If not could someone share the info?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

OP again, maybe I'm being obtuse, but I'm having trouble imagining how we'd lose our child if

- one of us gave birth to her
- if we split, neither of us challenged the other for parentage
- if one of us died, our extended families didn't challenge parentage of the surviving spouse
- if both of us died... well, we'd be dead and have designated caretakers in our will and have spoken with the individuals whom would take care of our child upon our death and they've agreed to serve in this role


What am I missing?

[Anonymous]

I thought that in DC lesbian couples could get an order of parentage, which unlike a birth certificate is a document authorized by a court. We were in MD, and both on the birth certificate, but still got a 2nd parent adoption. It did make things more straightforward when we divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, maybe I'm being obtuse, but I'm having trouble imagining how we'd lose our child if

- one of us gave birth to her
- if we split, neither of us challenged the other for parentage
- if one of us died, our extended families didn't challenge parentage of the surviving spouse
- if both of us died... well, we'd be dead and have designated caretakers in our will and have spoken with the individuals whom would take care of our child upon our death and they've agreed to serve in this role


What am I missing?

The fact that people change their minds. People agree that if they split, they will never challenge the other's parentage, but they do. Families find religion and then challenge the rights of same sex parents.

For the PP that asked about the Queer Mama's group, it's a closed Facebook group. You either have to apply or get an invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, maybe I'm being obtuse, but I'm having trouble imagining how we'd lose our child if

- one of us gave birth to her
- if we split, neither of us challenged the other for parentage
- if one of us died, our extended families didn't challenge parentage of the surviving spouse
- if both of us died... well, we'd be dead and have designated caretakers in our will and have spoken with the individuals whom would take care of our child upon our death and they've agreed to serve in this role


What am I missing?

People get weird and vindictive when they split. I'm in a group of 500 divorced lesbians and there are awful, bitter custody stories between people who presumably once loved and trusted each other. And, I imagine families also get weird when they tragically lose an adult child, and maybe fear losing access to a grandchild. If you had asked me when my child was born whether I would be divorced three years later, I would have said there was no realistic chance of that ever happening.

[Anonymous]

If you look at the NCLR page on parenting cases, most of the cases they take related to parenting are lesbian couples who split and one seeks to deny the other access to the kid/kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought that in DC lesbian couples could get an order of parentage, which unlike a birth certificate is a document authorized by a court. We were in MD, and both on the birth certificate, but still got a 2nd parent adoption. It did make things more straightforward when we divorced.

Our child was born in DC and we did sign a parentage document which was notarized at the hospital, which acknowledged the use of ART in the conceiving of our child and the intent of parentage of the non-birth parent. I guess I assumed this would be enough but I don't know if this option is available in other jurisdictions because I never hear any mention of it.