Feeling guilty about not inviting a few kids

[Anonymous]

So every year, we've invited all the kids. It is expensive and lot of work, but I didn't want to exclude anyone. Well now, my kid is at the age where no one is doing the invite everyone thing. Most people invite only a few close friends and that's it. And my kid goes to many fewer parties. That's okay.

I wanted to again do the invite the whole class party. My kid and I argued. My kid wanted only the close friends. So we limited it down to friends and friendly kids. The kids who were not invited are not my kids friends, they don't invite my kid to anything and in fact they don't interact at all in school with each other the times I've seen, not even saying hi when they pass in the halls (I'm a school volunteer). So I thought well, it's not that bad to not invite them, right? They're having parties and not inviting my kid. Is it fair to force my kid to invite kids who don't include my kid in any way? So we didn't. And we choose a party more suited to a smaller headcount (one that was pricey with each additional child and also logistically difficult/borderline unsafe with larger groups).

But then some kids pressured my kid into inviting them...asking him if they are invited, telling him they want to be invited. And so my kid invited them. One mom texted me to ask if her kid was really invited as he was verbally invited. What to do? I invited the kids that were verbally "invited." So with the original invited people and the verbally invited kids, the numbers of noninvited kids became really small. And it felt mean not to include them. But, the party day was fast approaching, we were already way over budget and supervising more kids would be logistically nightmarish and possibly unsafe. And one of the noninvited kids is sometimes violent (pushing, hitting, swearing). So I told my kid to stop inviting any more people.

And now I feel guilty. So some of the noninvited are new kids, so maybe they would have become friends with my kid in time. One kid is the violent kid. And the other kid is a nice kid who has known my kid for many years and is just not compatiable with my kid in any way; has never invited my kid to anything ever.

Our party is a cool party and so those not going probably do feel bad (not because they thought my kid was their friend but rather because they missed out on a cool party). So anyhow I feel bad. We're not local so it's not your kid that wasn't invited, just wanted to get this off my chest.


It's all done. There's no advice that I'm seeking. I just want to say that if your kid is one of the few that isn't invited, it's not necessarily because the bday family is doing it on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So every year, we've invited all the kids. It is expensive and lot of work, but I didn't want to exclude anyone. Well now, my kid is at the age where no one is doing the invite everyone thing. Most people invite only a few close friends and that's it. And my kid goes to many fewer parties. That's okay.

I wanted to again do the invite the whole class party. My kid and I argued. My kid wanted only the close friends. So we limited it down to friends and friendly kids. The kids who were not invited are not my kids friends, they don't invite my kid to anything and in fact they don't interact at all in school with each other the times I've seen, not even saying hi when they pass in the halls (I'm a school volunteer). So I thought well, it's not that bad to not invite them, right? They're having parties and not inviting my kid. Is it fair to force my kid to invite kids who don't include my kid in any way? So we didn't. And we choose a party more suited to a smaller headcount (one that was pricey with each additional child and also logistically difficult/borderline unsafe with larger groups).

But then some kids pressured my kid into inviting them...asking him if they are invited, telling him they want to be invited. And so my kid invited them. One mom texted me to ask if her kid was really invited as he was verbally invited. What to do? I invited the kids that were verbally "invited." So with the original invited people and the verbally invited kids, the numbers of noninvited kids became really small. And it felt mean not to include them. But, the party day was fast approaching, we were already way over budget and supervising more kids would be logistically nightmarish and possibly unsafe. And one of the noninvited kids is sometimes violent (pushing, hitting, swearing). So I told my kid to stop inviting any more people.

And now I feel guilty. So some of the noninvited are new kids, so maybe they would have become friends with my kid in time. One kid is the violent kid. And the other kid is a nice kid who has known my kid for many years and is just not compatiable with my kid in any way; has never invited my kid to anything ever.

Our party is a cool party and so those not going probably do feel bad (not because they thought my kid was their friend but rather because they missed out on a cool party). So anyhow I feel bad. We're not local so it's not your kid that wasn't invited, just wanted to get this off my chest.


It's all done. There's no advice that I'm seeking. I just want to say that if your kid is one of the few that isn't invited, it's not necessarily because the bday family is doing it on purpose.

Is your kid always in charge in your house?

[Anonymous]

Wow, your writing is such a mess. And your party is the cool party, huh? Modesty not your strong suit, I see.

Keep party news private as much as possible, don't blab about them and how cool they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So every year, we've invited all the kids. It is expensive and lot of work, but I didn't want to exclude anyone. Well now, my kid is at the age where no one is doing the invite everyone thing. Most people invite only a few close friends and that's it. And my kid goes to many fewer parties. That's okay.

I wanted to again do the invite the whole class party. My kid and I argued. My kid wanted only the close friends. So we limited it down to friends and friendly kids. The kids who were not invited are not my kids friends, they don't invite my kid to anything and in fact they don't interact at all in school with each other the times I've seen, not even saying hi when they pass in the halls (I'm a school volunteer). So I thought well, it's not that bad to not invite them, right? They're having parties and not inviting my kid. Is it fair to force my kid to invite kids who don't include my kid in any way? So we didn't. And we choose a party more suited to a smaller headcount (one that was pricey with each additional child and also logistically difficult/borderline unsafe with larger groups).

But then some kids pressured my kid into inviting them...asking him if they are invited, telling him they want to be invited. And so my kid invited them. One mom texted me to ask if her kid was really invited as he was verbally invited. What to do? I invited the kids that were verbally "invited." So with the original invited people and the verbally invited kids, the numbers of noninvited kids became really small. And it felt mean not to include them. But, the party day was fast approaching, we were already way over budget and supervising more kids would be logistically nightmarish and possibly unsafe. And one of the noninvited kids is sometimes violent (pushing, hitting, swearing). So I told my kid to stop inviting any more people.

And now I feel guilty. So some of the noninvited are new kids, so maybe they would have become friends with my kid in time. One kid is the violent kid. And the other kid is a nice kid who has known my kid for many years and is just not compatiable with my kid in any way; has never invited my kid to anything ever.

Our party is a cool party and so those not going probably do feel bad (not because they thought my kid was their friend but rather because they missed out on a cool party). So anyhow I feel bad. We're not local so it's not your kid that wasn't invited, just wanted to get this off my chest.


It's all done. There's no advice that I'm seeking. I just want to say that if your kid is one of the few that isn't invited, it's not necessarily because the bday family is doing it on purpose.

Is your kid always in charge in your house?

No, generally But as it is his birthday celebration, we do want to do something that makes him happy.

[Anonymous]

Oh nevermind, I'm sorry I posted.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel guilty, but it is your son that caused this problem. If he wanted the list to be small, why did he go around inviting people? Talk to him about what happened and how it turned out, as an awkward situation for the hosts and potentially hurt feelings. Tell him that he can't just issue verbal invitations like that after already telling you he didn't want a big party. In fact, he shouldn't be talking about his upcoming party at all at school. My guess is he was trying to appear cool at school. It's a teaching moment, OP.

[Anonymous]

After 7 or 8, the parties get a lot smaller. You wanted a big party. He wanted a small party. You should have let your kid have what he wanted.

Instead, you ended up with a hybrid party. Big enough where everyone should have been invited.

May I suggest couseling for your need to be right.

[Anonymous]

Don't be so hard on yourself OP, you wanted to do the "right thing" and it ended up making you feel bad. Move on and don't even think about it. I also get incredibly stressed out about birthdays for this same reason --I hate knowing someone might feel left out. But you know what? I'm also teaching my kids that you might get left out here and there and that's okay. And it is. The kids who didn't get invited will be just fine.

[Anonymous]

My daughter invites all the girls--she usually has a party that is not her favorite as to accoomodate we choose venues that are on the cheaper side. The bonus is that my dd is maybe the most inclusive kid in her grade. She knows we will not put up with bratty behavior. She does smaller things as a friend hang out. Is she one of the only ones in her grade who still does this -yup and we don't care. Too often these hybrid parties leave out the shy kids or the kids whose parents aren't in the social swing. I feel even stronger about this as my child is older. This or next year may be the last years for an actual party and no I didn't spend a ton all these years.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it basically is on purpose. Your kid specifically did not want everyone there and you say you had a discussion about that. But then he turned around and invited some of the very kids initially did not want. You don't give an age but it sounds like he certainly is no preschooler. All you can do now is go with it. Pay the extra fees (maybe tell him he has to skip a party next year to make up for it? ) Yes, you will likely hurt feelings so just accept it.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? Are you in high school? Kinda sounds like it.

[Anonymous]

There will probably be hurt feeling. And you guys will have hurt them. Don't do it again. Your son was basically trading invites to be popular.

[Anonymous]

I've felt that guilt before. Next time tell your kid that invites won't be added after the invites have been sent out.

[Anonymous]

OP- this sounds like your son created the issue by talking about the party at school.
I wouldn't have honored the verbal invites- harsh, but he did this without your permission.

[Anonymous]

Oh, a hard lesson learned. I'm sorry about the feelings of uninvited kids, if it were only money (and not safety issues) I would have gone ahead and invited everyone even the sometimes violent kid. I see now how this situation happened but at the time, I didn't anticipate it.

Any time there is any sort of party or slumber party, there is talk amongst the kids. That's not something that can be avoided. As we initially urged my son to invite everyone, he thought it was perfectly okay to verbally invite kids who really wanted to go. I did add an additional kid to the party a day or two later (because my son received his party invite), so there was no reason for my son to think our guest list was set in stone. My son is not very socially savvy and thought he was just being nice in extending invites to people who asked to come. He didn't mean any harm and he truly thought that all the kids who didn't ask to come just didn't want to come. I've talked with him and he now (I hope) understands and this will not happen again.

In unburdening myself, I was also trying to share the other side. I wanted to let people know that even when mistakes are made, it doesn't mean that it was intentional. As a parent, I've made many mistakes along the way. Most of the time, it doesn't create this much guilt because those mistakes usually just affect us. I feel terribly over this. I regret the way we handled this party. We will do our best to do better in the future.