Advice please: DD told a friend she is bi

[Anonymous]

DD, 12, has been unusually emotional lately. I was worried about her, so I checked her phone. It was part of our agreement when she got the phone that I may do this once in awhile, and she even had me add my thumbprint to unlock it. I check in only very rarely, and this time, I found a text message where she tells a friend she is bisexual and I saw that she has done a few searches for info about bisexuality.

I don't care one bit if she is bi/gay/straight and I think she knows that. In abstract conversations about dating and relationships, I have said outright that it wouldn't matter and she knows I have many gay friends. My question is whether I should say something to her. Because of our agreement, I don't think she would view it as a betrayal that I saw the text and searches, and we generally have a very close relationship. But if this is something she is still working out for herself, I don't want to push her on it before she's ready. There were no texts or anything else that suggest she is actually acting on these feelings and she doesn't hang out with other kids outside of school hours.

Any advice? Would you talk to her or let her work it out and come to you? I am only considering bringing it up to offer support and make sure she feels accepted and loved no matter what, and as a secondary concern, I am a little worried that her searches for info will expose her to porn. I looked at the sites she went to and they were fine, but future searches might not be.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really hard to have a good and supportive conversation that starts with snooping....even if you technically had permission. I would find a way to say to her directly that you support and love her no matter her sexuality. Maybe if any type of gay/bi issue comes up in conversation you can tell her earnestly and directly that you support her no matter what.

If you are worried about porn could you install some sort of porn blocker on her phone? Again with permission and discussion previously. And I just googled bisexual and didn't get porn at all.

[Anonymous]

Stay quiet. You are invading her privacy. You may have technically had permission to view the text, but you don't have permission to speak to her about it. She comes out to you on her terms, if and when she is ready.

[Anonymous]

As a bi person who still has not come out to her (extremely judgmental) family, I would not. Trust me, someone who is nervous about coming out is already going to be listening with extra attention to any mention of lesbians, bisexual people, etc. This is HER life journey, not yours. So let her decide how she wants it to go. The only thing you should do is say (and don't make it weird or be obvious that you are doing it) how perfect of a couple Ellen and Portia are, or "Did you see Kristen Stewart and St Vincent are dating? Man, they make a beautiful couple" etc. Create the environment where there is NO DOUBT that you will be accepting of it. But don't come straight out and bring it up to her. She may not even be ready for that or sure that she is bi. Sexuality is something that is not always black and white. She may think she's bi now and realize that she is actually straight later, or a lesbian. Thats her path. A lesbian friend of mine in her 60s says figuring out desire and the journey of sexuality is something she is still surprised at, even at her age, on a daily basis (which is really kind of beautiful). Give your DD the space where she feels safe, but she might not want to label herself yet (or ever!). Just create an environment where she feels she doesn't have to worry about your disapproval and you will be doing her a great service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a bi person who still has not come out to her (extremely judgmental) family, I would not. Trust me, someone who is nervous about coming out is already going to be listening with extra attention to any mention of lesbians, bisexual people, etc. This is HER life journey, not yours. So let her decide how she wants it to go. The only thing you should do is say (and don't make it weird or be obvious that you are doing it) how perfect of a couple Ellen and Portia are, or "Did you see Kristen Stewart and St Vincent are dating? Man, they make a beautiful couple" etc. Create the environment where there is NO DOUBT that you will be accepting of it. But don't come straight out and bring it up to her. She may not even be ready for that or sure that she is bi. Sexuality is something that is not always black and white. She may think she's bi now and realize that she is actually straight later, or a lesbian. Thats her path. A lesbian friend of mine in her 60s says figuring out desire and the journey of sexuality is something she is still surprised at, even at her age, on a daily basis (which is really kind of beautiful). Give your DD the space where she feels safe, but she might not want to label herself yet (or ever!). Just create an environment where she feels she doesn't have to worry about your disapproval and you will be doing her a great service.

Thank you! Yes, that is my instinct -- to let her figure this out without labels until she is ready for one (if ever). I am always very inclusive in how I talk about her dating in the abstract (and was long before this), and have never assumed either of my kids will be heterosexual. I have too many friends who went through the other side of that, and my own father was gay or bi (not discovered until after his death, so no chance to talk about it). So this is something I have thought a lot about and I have tried to be very thoughtful of my language around this topic.

As for how I saw the text, it's hard to convey here, but she would not see that as snooping. She may well be embarrassed to know I saw it, but she does not view me checking in on her phone as a violation of her privacy. It's something we talk openly about, the phone charges in my bedroom at night, and she even occasionally asks me to download music or movies for her after she goes to bed (obviously knowing I have to access the phone to do so). Still, I agree that just because I have her permission to view the phone, it doesn't mean I can or should bring up something like this.

I really appreciate hearing your experience and advice. I'll continue with the inclusive language and look for non-weird/obvious ways to underscore my acceptance of all types of relationships. We do watch Ellen every afternoon together!

[Anonymous]

I am a PP and I do want to point out that sometimes kids that age make stuff up to get attention from their friends. I moved when I was 13 and I made up a lie that my best friend had died of an overdose. So bringing that up might be super awkward. Not to say she isn't searching to understand her sexuality but please don't bring it up directly that you read her conversations.

I know you have permission to see her phone but she might see text conversations as more private. I know that doesn't make sense, but that's tween logic.

And I'm also a Bi woman who struggled for years with accepting it. Being Bi is particularly hard. Many people think we don't exist, or are just promiscuous. You might want to start to do some research of your own. Google Bi Invisibility. It's real.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything but I would try to be open and available to talk. Pushing her to talk before she is ready would probably backfire.

[Anonymous]

She is only 12 and to preserve your relationship over the coming most likely turbulent years, I would stay quiet about this and wait for her to let you know what she decides about all this - most likely she doesn't yet know. Bi seems to be all the rage at my kid's FCPS high school among the girls.

-Signed parent of 15 and 17 yo teens

[Anonymous]

I'm bi, and all of my teenage daughters friends seem to be bi. It appears to be the thing to be right now. My 14 yr old is also bi, although she's madly in love with her boyfriend. I just sit back and watch, because if you're really bi, you'll continue to be. I first knew when I was 7, and I saw the most beautiful girl in the world walk into my classroom. I've known it all of my life, and it was something you kept hidden when and where I grew up. My kids all know that I am. I've never hidden it from them, because I've been out for quite some time.

[Anonymous]

OP here, she told me on her own a few days after I posted that she has feelings for a female friend from her old school. I am so grateful she opened up to me, but also glad I had a bit of a heads-up, which helped me react in the calmest way possible. I stressed that I loved her no matter what and also made sure she knew that these kinds of feelings are normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she told me on her own a few days after I posted that she has feelings for a female friend from her old school. I am so grateful she opened up to me, but also glad I had a bit of a heads-up, which helped me react in the calmest way possible. I stressed that I loved her no matter what and also made sure she knew that these kinds of feelings are normal.

Yay!! She trusted you enough to come to you on her own! That's amazing!

And thank you for believing that Bi is an identification. I wrote about Bi Invisibility up thread.

You rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a bi person who still has not come out to her (extremely judgmental) family, I would not. Trust me, someone who is nervous about coming out is already going to be listening with extra attention to any mention of lesbians, bisexual people, etc. This is HER life journey, not yours. So let her decide how she wants it to go. The only thing you should do is say (and don't make it weird or be obvious that you are doing it) how perfect of a couple Ellen and Portia are, or "Did you see Kristen Stewart and St Vincent are dating? Man, they make a beautiful couple" etc. Create the environment where there is NO DOUBT that you will be accepting of it. But don't come straight out and bring it up to her. She may not even be ready for that or sure that she is bi. Sexuality is something that is not always black and white. She may think she's bi now and realize that she is actually straight later, or a lesbian. Thats her path. A lesbian friend of mine in her 60s says figuring out desire and the journey of sexuality is something she is still surprised at, even at her age, on a daily basis (which is really kind of beautiful). Give your DD the space where she feels safe, but she might not want to label herself yet (or ever!). Just create an environment where she feels she doesn't have to worry about your disapproval and you will be doing her a great service.

What a great, thoughtful post.

[Anonymous]

My 13 YO DD declared about a year ago that she is gay. I am fine with it. The important thing to convey to your child is that for you it's a non issue. Your child hasn't changed. You love her just the same. You still won't be allowing her to date until whatever age you would anyway.

I will say that in my DD's friend group, it seems to be the thing now to declare your sexuality and to not be straight. So Ive' been hearing about these kids being demi, bi, pan sexual, trans, gay, whatever. Just smile and nod and let them figure it out. If they are having an emotionally hard time, let them talk to a therapist.

Do not make drama about this. Whatever your child is, that is what she is, and you just keep being her loving parent. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 YO DD declared about a year ago that she is gay. I am fine with it. The important thing to convey to your child is that for you it's a non issue. Your child hasn't changed. You love her just the same. You still won't be allowing her to date until whatever age you would anyway.

I will say that in my DD's friend group, it seems to be the thing now to declare your sexuality and to not be straight. So Ive' been hearing about these kids being demi, bi, pan sexual, trans, gay, whatever. Just smile and nod and let them figure it out. If they are having an emotionally hard time, let them talk to a therapist.

Do not make drama about this. Whatever your child is, that is what she is, and you just keep being her loving parent. That's it.

Yep, that's almost exactly what I said and it's genuinely how I feel. I haven't made any drama about it at all, just acknowledged her feelings and sympathized about how hard it is to have feelings for someone and not be able to tell them (her friend is straight). I also reiterated that my feelings about dating and relationships are the same regardless of gender. The only conversation we've had about it since then was a funny chat about how distracting crushes can be. She told me her motto is "As before baes".

I am just so thankful that she trusts me and whatever is next for her, she opened the door to talk about it. She has also been much less emotional since she told me, so it seems to have given her some relief not to be alone with these feelings. Thanks again to all of you who have posted. If anyone else has advice or experiences to share, I'd love to hear more.

[Anonymous]

Yay! Go mom!