Advice for "trial separation" time away

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are in a trial separation. He moved out. Right now he's staying at a friend's house part of the time, a weekly hotel the other part of the time, i.e. nothing permanent like an apartment. We spoke last night about what we need to "work on" while separated. Nothing came out all that specific - he said he needed to work on "listening", "respect" and "being a better person." I said I needed to concentrate on finding a voice in the relationship, that I get I stuffed a lot during or marriage. But as I sit here and reflect on this upcoming time, I mean, really? This seems like just platitudes before divorce, which might be OK.

I'm not sure what my question is other than did anyone actually do "good work" while in a separation? Or is this just a delayed divorce? Any advice on how to make this time apart count? We've been married 9 years and have one 7-year-old, who is obviously less than happy about this.

P.S. He's asked to be able to come back to the house once a week on Sunday so he can watch his team in football (we have the direct TV football package), and that would be his time also with our daughter. That's it. One day, while watching football, is what he wants in terms of seeing her. That sort of made my stomach hurt.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but he's checked out. Separation almost always leads to divorce. And I would insist he spend more time with your daughter than football watching Sunday's. You need to work out finances and a visitation plan if you don't already have one. And possibly a property settlement agreement. Get your ducks in a row.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but he's checked out. Separation almost always leads to divorce. And I would insist he spend more time with your daughter than football watching Sunday's. You need to work out finances and a visitation plan if you don't already have one. And possibly a property settlement agreement. Get your ducks in a row.

I get that, I'm OP and I'm pretty damn checked out myself. He knew I was about to file so he suggested this "trial." I just don't see the point and wonder if anyone had ideas of what this "trial" is supposed to look like. It just feels stupid and a waste of time as we march toward the inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried counseling?

Yes, but he decided it wasn't convenient. I've kept going and have been for a year.

[Anonymous]

A separation without counseling and actual plans for improving the relationship seems very likely to lead to divorce. Even if you decide you can't live without each other and reunite, all the underlying problems are still going to be there. How can he work on listening and respect when he's not around you?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry but I almost spit out my water when I read the Directv comment. I am not trying to make light of your situation. I am a guy and that is such a guy thing to do. If he added a conjugal visit with you the day before it would be a perfect relationship for him.

[Anonymous]

No personal experience, but two of my good friends had separated and got back together and are still married years later. The fact he wants to talk about ways to improve is a good sign.

No offense, but your post appears very one-sided. He has to listen and realize he is wrong, you need to find a voice to tell him he is wrong, is how it comes across.

[Anonymous]

I think there are two schools of thought. The first is the 180. Where you basically try to move on. That didn't work for me. The second approach I used is just to stay actively engaged. The "stern parent" approach. Where you let him do his little game. But you then constantly engage. Make him come over to do chores during week. Make him pick up kids at school on X days per week. Make him grocery shop for you. Make him have sex twice a week then he goes home. I've been doing this for nearly a year and it seems to be working. Just be in his face constantly. There's more to it then I can write on this post.

[Anonymous]

I had a 6 week separation recently. I had just gotten to the point of feeling confident that divorce was the answer and I was at peace with it. He called and asked to see me. We went to dinner and spent about 24 hours together (DD was at grandmas so she wouldn't get her hopes up). Neither of us has really "worked" on anything, but we had clarified very specifically what was challenging our marriage. We were able to have a real conversation finally. Things aren't great yet, but we are in a much better place and speaking regularly. I believe we are going to make it. Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

I should add. Avoid fights unless he says he doesn't want to do something. Then basically guilt or shame or bully him into meeting his obligations. Make fun of him like he's reliving his teenage years. Like the time Greg Brady turned his dads office into a cool man cave.

[Anonymous]

Also, while taking works for some. Talking about needs and wants in a marriage doesn't usually work in a severe situation like yours. That's why I prescribe the "get over here mother f and mow the lawn then pick up Johnny" approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No personal experience, but two of my good friends had separated and got back together and are still married years later. The fact he wants to talk about ways to improve is a good sign.

No offense, but your post appears very one-sided. He has to listen and realize he is wrong, you need to find a voice to tell him he is wrong, is how it comes across.

It was just one example. I also said I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt more and not immediately jump to a negative conclusion. I am not blaming him for all of it, far from it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he has no intention of reconciling or being an adequate parent, so he is probably trying to spy on you and mooch tv while preparing for divorce. You should prepare too.

[Anonymous]

Bump