Advice for "trial separation" time away

[Anonymous]

Wow, this sounds really convenient for him. He gets to live the single life, do what he wants, doesn't have to actually parent, AND still gets to watch his team on Sundays. He's not serious about working on things. I've known people in trial separations and people who are serious about fixing things work their asses off. Counseling, introspective work, recognizing their own flaws and working on them, etc. It sounds like you are the only one working on these things (since you are in counseling and he just finds it inconvenient).

He is just doing the bare minimum to keep stringing you along so he can get the remaining perks from your marriage. What he needs is tough love- no football on Sundays, football doesn't count as time with your daughter, no more talking about what needs to improve. He knows at this point what changes he needs to make and repeating them over and over won't help; he will simply say yes to make you think he's working on things.

Take some time away from him- no talking, no visiting, nothing except arranging for him to be with your daughter. Document how much time he actually tries to spend with her, that could help you during custody arrangements if you end up divorcing. Work on yourself- figure out why you chose him, why you let your voice go unheard in the marriage, why you jump to negative conclusions, etc. Focus on improving your own life instead of how he needs to improve his. If he ends up doing the same kind of work and things work out- great. If not, you're a better version of yourself and are set up to have a happy and productive life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A separation without counseling and actual plans for improving the relationship seems very likely to lead to divorce. Even if you decide you can't live without each other and reunite, all the underlying problems are still going to be there. How can he work on listening and respect when he's not around you?

+1

[Anonymous]

Separation is not an answer. Do you even know the question? It's not only "do I want to continue to be married to this person" - it's everything that goes along with it - the parenting/family dynamics, the lifestyle, the mental/emotional/sexual fulfillment etc

Separation is a a way for you to get the taste of the alternative - what would it be if the answer to the above question is no? What does that look and feel like? In terms of where we would be living, how we would be living, the daily demands on my time and energy, the support systems that would be there. That's what separation does - it drives you to answer the question, "what do you want??"

Then, you can work on getting from here to there - either counseling, commitment, a great divorce attorney - whatever it is, it will suck up a lot of your future life. Be prepared for it to consume you at times.

Don't just passively accept what you foresee is the inevitable. Own it, and make your path work for you.

[Anonymous]

Hello, don't know where you are in the process now, but since you ask with some inquisitiveness, which I'll take as a small grain of hope, separation can led to reconciliation. As someone else mentioned, you'll have to work together usually with the assistance of counseling. I had a friend's who's separation ended up with their coming back together. It lasted about six months or a little more and they both worked on each other separately and had moments where they dated (not necessarily in a romantic sense, but to discuss things and come to some agreements) and also sought counseling. My friend used this period to make clear what her boundaries were and expectations (and I assume he did the same). So know, it doesn't have to led to divorce. And if you haven't already done so, meet with your spouse and both agree to get support and work together towards reconciliation (but you need to want it). I'll say a prayer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but he's checked out. Separation almost always leads to divorce. And I would insist he spend more time with your daughter than football watching Sunday's. You need to work out finances and a visitation plan if you don't already have one. And possibly a property settlement agreement. Get your ducks in a row.

I get that, I'm OP and I'm pretty damn checked out myself. He knew I was about to file so he suggested this "trial." I just don't see the point and wonder if anyone had ideas of what this "trial" is supposed to look like. It just feels stupid and a waste of time as we march toward the inevitable.

Not to be too practical OP, but your husband wants to stay until the TV football package you have expires. Once that is over, he will have no reason to come over on Sunday or pretend to spend time with your daughter. Get the divorce started now so that you can work out all the details, but do not expect him to do much with visiting your daughter. Sorry, but that is the reality and you should proceed to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried counseling?

Yes, but he decided it wasn't convenient. I've kept going and have been for a year.

It's hard for me to picture how you would do the hard work of healing a marriage without a third party. If therapy is inconvenient, I'd suggest a couples retreat. If that's inconvenient, I really feel you have your answer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried counseling?

Yes, but he decided it wasn't convenient. I've kept going and have been for a year.

It's hard for me to picture how you would do the hard work of healing a marriage without a third party. If therapy is inconvenient, I'd suggest a couples retreat. If that's inconvenient, I really feel you have your answer.

Why did he say it wasn't convenient? Most therapists have after work hours, so his work schedule is probably not an excuse.

[Anonymous]

My parents separated for about six months and then reconciled. I was a teenager then so obviously I don't know what the issues were but I know they went to some form of counseling.

Agree with the poster above that it's a good time to see what life is like without your spouse and see if it is what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No personal experience, but two of my good friends had separated and got back together and are still married years later. The fact he wants to talk about ways to improve is a good sign.

No offense, but your post appears very one-sided. He has to listen and realize he is wrong, you need to find a voice to tell him he is wrong, is how it comes across.

x2. Recommend you focus on what you want and he should focus on what he wants in the relationship. Then, the two of you should come together to decide whether you're willing to give each other what the other wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, don't know where you are in the process now, but since you ask with some inquisitiveness, which I'll take as a small grain of hope, separation can led to reconciliation. As someone else mentioned, you'll have to work together usually with the assistance of counseling. I had a friend's who's separation ended up with their coming back together. It lasted about six months or a little more and they both worked on each other separately and had moments where they dated (not necessarily in a romantic sense, but to discuss things and come to some agreements) and also sought counseling. My friend used this period to make clear what her boundaries were and expectations (and I assume he did the same). So know, it doesn't have to led to divorce. And if you haven't already done so, meet with your spouse and both agree to get support and work together towards reconciliation (but you need to want it). I'll say a prayer!

+1, I am currently in a very similar situation as this person describes. I moved out and have been living in my own place. We are in couples therapy and I am about to start individual. We have a son and we split the custody 50/50. I think we are making a lot of progress. My husband clearly understands what the issues are and so do I. The space has given us the chance to do a lot of soul searching. We still do some things as a family and also do date nights here and there when we can. We are working at rebuilding a friendship. I am still not sure yet what the outcome is going to be, but I am a supporter of doing a trail separation. Good luck to you!