When did you know it was time to think about ending a marriage
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Married for 10 years. I was never enamored but we were best friends. We went through hard times, had kids and have hit our late 30s. The issue is that I love him but not romantically anymore. He's painful to be around. He used to be very laid back, fun and loving. Now It's his way or no way. He criticizes everything about me, everything I do...down to watching tv - I apparently "watch tv wrong", he has to redo everything I do (he literally rewashes the dishes), my ideas are dumb. He treats me like I don't have a full time job too (we make the same amount). I do most of the childcare as well. I tell him he needs to stop criticizing me - he says I don't listen to him. In all fairness, I tune him out because I can only stand so much nit picking.
I'm going to therapy because it's the one place where I can admit I am miserable. He won't go to marriage counseling. If you were in the same boat, what did you do? I'm petrified of starting over and dealing with lawyers and custody battles.. but I can't live like this for the next 50 years.. |
Anonymous
| How old are the kids? |
Anonymous
| When she introduced her new boyfriend to our daughter. |
Anonymous
| My ex refused counseling until I finally told him I wanted a divorce. Similar situation to yours with the hypercriticism plus yelling and throwing things. Looking back I think if there was one moment it was when he screamed and cursed at our preschooler. |
Anonymous
| When I constantly had thoughts of "at least 40 more years of this?" And dream about being widowed. |
Anonymous
| When the abuse (yelling, name calling, blaming) spilled over into couples counseling and the therapist allowed it to happen. Twilight zone. |
Anonymous
|
Am in the middle of a contentious divorce, yet the ability to come home and not be subjected to his abuse daily has given me back my soul and peace.
|
Anonymous
Exactly this! |
Anonymous
Oh dear. I'm done. I'm planning on being a widow. |
Anonymous
|
OP, because he didn't used to be like this, but now he's critical of everything you do, I would bet big money he's been cheating. It's textbook.
My first marriage had turned into a sad roommate situation, and we were best friends but terrible at being a couple. I was planning to stay put, but after a few years he started purposely going against everything I tried to do to discipline our child. I'd always been the parent, and he'd been the fun buddy. This had been fine until his anger and frustration at our failed relationship made him take it out in these passive-aggressive ways. I wish I'd have worked it out, though, and found a way to with him, as miserable and lonesome as I was. My subsequent choice in a man was an absolute nightmare. |
Anonymous
I was in the same boat, now in the process of divorce, separated for almost a year. Very similar situation. I did all of the bolded above: realized I was in pain with him, and went to therapy. It helped for a while. Then I realized that he and I didn't demonstrate anything healthy for our children, whom are young. When I saw the look on my youngest's face when he screamed expletives at me, and I woke up with my teeth chattering from anxiety, and got my blood pressure checked and it was near stroke level, I realized it was time to end the marriage. Everyone has a different capacity. I chose life over marriage, because the pain was slowly causing me to internalize all the responsibility and blame for our success - and it was unfair, unhealthy, etc. A month after I moved out things were better immediately for me health wise and you could see the positive change in our children's disposition. These are very tough choices to make. It isn't always about happiness, that is a choice despite circumstances, but it is about healthiness. A good therapist will help you move through this time and come to an objective conclusion. Before you make a decision - give 100% in every way you can so you do not regret it, ever. Best advice I got and it affirmed during tough times that I had made the right decision. Best of luck to you OP. Complacency, pain and carelessness is never what I imagine when I took lifelong vows. |
Anonymous
PP. Agree wholeheartedly with this. |
Anonymous
| When he was late getting home in the evening, I used to fantasize that he was hit by a truck and was no more. Most evenings, my child and I would essentially hide upstairs playing games and doing homework while he stayed downstairs drinking, smoking dope, and electronically contacting other women. It was scary, but definitely time to exit. Staying "for the kids" is a crock. Staying for financial security is misguided ... they can take all the money and leave you penniless at any time. All that money spent on therapy is better spent on a good lawyer. |
Anonymous
|
i used to fantasize that my now ex would die, too! Until I realized that it would be terrible for the kids to be fatherless and that I actually would need to deal with the issues.
Anyway, OP, I think the issues in your marriage are 100% fixable, but only if he's willing. Not sure if an ultimatum, or doing something like taping his criticism, would help shake him up enough now. It took my ex several years after the divorce to really hit rock bottom and start dealing with some of his issues, thought I doubt he has the strength or self-awareness to deal with everything in a way that would make me want to have a relationship with him again. |