5th grade girls

[Anonymous]

DD has had the same group of friends since K but last year in 4th grade I noticed that she was never hanging out with her friends. So I took the initiative and invited her friends to a few sleepovers but there was never any reciprocation. She was invited to birthday parties I guess as a courtesy. Now in 5th grade these friends are posting to Instagram their trips to the mall and movies and hanging out at each other’s houses and having sleepovers and DD is not invited. DD says she doesn’t care but I think she does care. She told me she heard the girls talking about going trick or treating together but she wasn't invited. It really upsets me and I feel sad for DD. We see this group of girls and their moms a lot outside of school at dance. A few weeks ago one of the moms asked where we've been and how DD is doing. DD and this group of friends got IG accounts last summer and that's when she noticed she wasn't being included. DD is not on IG a lot at all. She would prefer to watch movies or have family game night so I feel good that IG and text messaging doesn't rule her life in the way it does her friends. I guess I mis-read the friendships (also with the moms) and it makes me wonder if these girls have been hanging out without DD this whole time and I just didn't know about it. Needless to say, it’s been an awkward start to the school year and I feel foolish in my part in trying to save the friendships last year.

[Anonymous]

Do not worry mom -- at this age friendships come and go and come back around. How do you know what they are doing on instagram?
The best thing u can do for your DD is to show her how to be open to new friendships and provide opportunities for her to make new friends. She may not be worried about what they are doing, but you bringing it up may make it worse. It is not your job to save friendships that may have run its course. Let her take the lead, be open to talking about her feelings if she decides to share and then...let ...it..go
The friends she made in Kindergarten may drift away and come back in 6th or 7th grade. Such is life.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, that's hard. It's possible she doesn't like using Instagram because she doesn't want to see the pictures and feel anymore excluded. It can be really hard for girls to move on from their core group of friends they have had for a long time so it might take a while for your DD to gravitate towards new friends. This can especially be true if she feels like you as her mom are invested in the friendships as well via being mom friends. It's also possible that this is an exclusion/bullying situation but I think it's tough to know.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your DD is less social and not interested in these activities and hence doesn't care about IG and text messaging. Who knows how many times there was a group message about doing something and she never bothered to check it or get together? Is it possible that she doesn't follow and with time she was excluding herself and then the other girls started to since they didn't think she was interested? More important is does your DD have a new group of friends as well? Or is she alone all the time? She will have new friends in Middle School, so it is not a big worry really.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly why I have my DD diversify her friendship portfolio, if you will. She has friends from elementary school, middle school, ice skating, her grandma's neighborhood, etc.

In case she ever got in a fight with one group, I wanted her to always just turn her focus to her other groups rather than be like "Well, I guess my cat is my only friend."

[Anonymous]

We went thru this in 4th and 5th grade. My daughter did not have the same interests as her old friends. She was pretty lonely and would occasionally play with the boys during recess, which I encouraged. Things changed in middle school. A bigger pool of people and eventually she found a few friends that had similar interests. As others noted, try not to draw attention to it but do let her know that middle school will get so much better.

Also - I had my daughter join girl scouts and do some other activities, but honestly, it didn't help. Neither did having play dates and sleepovers. Kids like her but I could tell the connection was missing.

I know it is tough for you too OP, but keep telling yourself, it will get better!

[Anonymous]

It's possible that the interests have just changed -- maybe they're into going to the mall to talk to boys and she isn't quite comfortable with that. Maybe she blew off that activity once which led them to decide she isn't one of them and now she's excluded - when she maybe wanted to hang out, just not doing that 1 activity. That may explain why the other moms think she just dropped out of sight.

In any event maybe it doesn't bother her -- if she has "school friends" -- people to sit with at lunch and when the gym teacher says "find a partner for x game," maybe she's fine with that. For some kids school is as much socialization as they need and after that they're ok at home with their family. I wouldn't push it -- that's more likely to make her feel bad; or like she's disappointing you bc she isn't popular or that you can't hang out with these moms bc she doesn't hang out with their kids. I would ask her if there are any activities she wants to join - if you reasonably think you could make it happen if she suggests one. I'd also reassure her that middle school is much bigger with a lot more kids (if that's true) and she'll have all new friends by then.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like YOU care a lot more than your DD. I hope you don't convey that to her. If she's good, encourage her strength. Ignore those girls, and she will follow suit. Make her some casual playdates with other friends.

I'm lucky in that my dd just moves on to other friends if previous friends don't include her in things. Friendships should be reciprocal. Encourage those friendships. And I would definitely encourage her lack of interest in instagram. Let her forget that she even has an account.

[Anonymous]

Yes, Mom, you need to accept and support the girl you have not the one you wish was popular with this group of girls. IT IS OKAY and healthy for them to change friend groups. Something similar has happened to my 5th grade son over the last couple of years (except he was also left out of birthday parties for the old group). He is fine. He was always a periphery member of this group who got along with some of them and not others. He's stopped seeking out the few boys in this group that he used to hang with and focused on other friends and is happy. You need to let this go and support that process.

Honestly, I suspect if you can really let go of your anger, you'll be able to see that that your DD probably doesn't 100% fit in with this group. Even if she does, just re-frame it your head as these are her "dance friends" but nothing more. The "where've you been" comment strikes me as possibly a BS cover from a mom who knows full well that your DD is not longer part of the "club." Smile and move on.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks to all for your insight. I totally get it. I just didn’t expect it to happen this soon. DD is my oldest. We’re at a k-8 and while new friends most likely will come in next year the reality is that we’ll be around this same group for a few more years. There have been a few new faces at school this year and DD has mentioned them lately so I do think there’s hope in finding a new set of friends. DD is moving on and I admit I’m having more of an issue with it than she is. I think that’s from not knowing how to deal with the moms. Deep down, tbh, I feel hurt and rejected, too. I know that’s immature but I don’t think anyone enjoys rejection at any age. I’m new to this. Any ideas on how to deal with the moms on an ongoing basis? I’m not looking for how to resolve the situation so we can get back in the group. And I won’t’ talk to any of the moms about their daughters kicking my daughter out the group. Just need suggestions on how to deal with the day to day when we see the moms and girls so it’s not so weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks to all for your insight. I totally get it. I just didn’t expect it to happen this soon. DD is my oldest. We’re at a k-8 and while new friends most likely will come in next year the reality is that we’ll be around this same group for a few more years. There have been a few new faces at school this year and DD has mentioned them lately so I do think there’s hope in finding a new set of friends. DD is moving on and I admit I’m having more of an issue with it than she is. I think that’s from not knowing how to deal with the moms. Deep down, tbh, I feel hurt and rejected, too. I know that’s immature but I don’t think anyone enjoys rejection at any age. I’m new to this. Any ideas on how to deal with the moms on an ongoing basis? I’m not looking for how to resolve the situation so we can get back in the group. And I won’t’ talk to any of the moms about their daughters kicking my daughter out the group. Just need suggestions on how to deal with the day to day when we see the moms and girls so it’s not so weird.

So you see these moms at dance? Be polite but surface level -- if you have to wait for your DD, it's fine to talk for a few min about weather or traffic and then check your phone a few times. Don't talk about your DD, what she's doing outside of school/dance etc. Reality is if this group has been together since K-1st, some/all of the moms HAVE noticed that your DD suddenly isn't at sleepovers or movie nights that she used to be at, yet no one has done anything to cause their child to include your DD so obviously they don't care/are condoning whatever exclusion is going on. My rule -- if someone doesn't care about my child, I don't talk to them about my child; just give surface level answers when they say "where she's been" -- oh she's around, life is busy etc. If it's about your DD hanging out with these girls for a few min after class or whatever -- take her lead. If she just wants to grab her stuff after class and leave, do that. If she is engaging with them for a few min after, then let her engage and don't drag her away. And if it gets too annoying, could you all find a different dance class at the same studio or move to a new studio?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks to all for your insight. I totally get it. I just didn’t expect it to happen this soon. DD is my oldest. We’re at a k-8 and while new friends most likely will come in next year the reality is that we’ll be around this same group for a few more years. There have been a few new faces at school this year and DD has mentioned them lately so I do think there’s hope in finding a new set of friends. DD is moving on and I admit I’m having more of an issue with it than she is. I think that’s from not knowing how to deal with the moms. Deep down, tbh, I feel hurt and rejected, too. I know that’s immature but I don’t think anyone enjoys rejection at any age. I’m new to this. Any ideas on how to deal with the moms on an ongoing basis? I’m not looking for how to resolve the situation so we can get back in the group. And I won’t’ talk to any of the moms about their daughters kicking my daughter out the group. Just need suggestions on how to deal with the day to day when we see the moms and girls so it’s not so weird.

So you see these moms at dance? Be polite but surface level -- if you have to wait for your DD, it's fine to talk for a few min about weather or traffic and then check your phone a few times. Don't talk about your DD, what she's doing outside of school/dance etc. Reality is if this group has been together since K-1st, some/all of the moms HAVE noticed that your DD suddenly isn't at sleepovers or movie nights that she used to be at, yet no one has done anything to cause their child to include your DD so obviously they don't care/are condoning whatever exclusion is going on. My rule -- if someone doesn't care about my child, I don't talk to them about my child; just give surface level answers when they say "where she's been" -- oh she's around, life is busy etc. If it's about your DD hanging out with these girls for a few min after class or whatever -- take her lead. If she just wants to grab her stuff after class and leave, do that. If she is engaging with them for a few min after, then let her engage and don't drag her away. And if it gets too annoying, could you all find a different dance class at the same studio or move to a new studio?

OP here, Thanks for this. I do the surface convo but then I'm sorta hurrying DD so we can go. I will pull back on that. And yes we will most likely look for a new studio.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your struggle, op. By encouraging your daughter to strengthen other friendships now, you will be helping her in high school and beyond.

[Anonymous]

OP - I could have written this post. We are going through the exact same thing. I too am feeling hurt and rejected for both myself and DD as I was friends with the moms and DD with the girls. I am not sure what went wrong, and I don't think my DD is perfect, but it is nevertheless hard to watch. I don't have much to offer except to say that it stinks and you are not alone in feeling a little hurt as well. I see the moms and I am always courteous but brief and I really like the idea about not speaking about my child at all since really at best they don't care and at worst they are condoning the exclusion or think its somehow justified. I am encouraging playdates with different kids, have suggested some new activities that might build confidence and expose DD to new girls, and bought some fun new games for us to enjoy at home as a family. I am also hopeful that the silver lining will be that DD will remember EXACTLY how this felt and as a result will be mindful of the feelings of those around her going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your struggle, op. By encouraging your daughter to strengthen other friendships now, you will be helping her in high school and beyond.

Thanks 13:13. This has definitely been a learning experience for DD and me. I'm sure we'll come through it stronger in the end.