5th grade girls

[Anonymous]

OP, call me crazy, but I am shocked that this many 5th grade girls (10 year olds?) are on Instagram.

[Anonymous]

5th graders are on IG? Really? Perhaps we live in a bubble, but my DD is not on IG nor does she have an iphone although she's been asking for one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I could have written this post. We are going through the exact same thing. I too am feeling hurt and rejected for both myself and DD as I was friends with the moms and DD with the girls. I am not sure what went wrong, and I don't think my DD is perfect, but it is nevertheless hard to watch. I don't have much to offer except to say that it stinks and you are not alone in feeling a little hurt as well. I see the moms and I am always courteous but brief and I really like the idea about not speaking about my child at all since really at best they don't care and at worst they are condoning the exclusion or think its somehow justified. I am encouraging playdates with different kids, have suggested some new activities that might build confidence and expose DD to new girls, and bought some fun new games for us to enjoy at home as a family. I am also hopeful that the silver lining will be that DD will remember EXACTLY how this felt and as a result will be mindful of the feelings of those around her going forward.

OP here, Thanks 13:24. I hope things get better for you and your DD. It's so sad that this is such a common issue. The why and what happened is what baffles me, too. I don't know what went wrong in our case either. I know my DD isn't perfect either and has things to work on but I don't think she's any different than any other 5th grade girl who is trying to navigate the social scenes and girl dynamics.

[Anonymous]

OP here, DD has an iPod Touch not a phone and many of the girls in the friend group also have iPods or use their parents iPads to imessage and post to IG. But yes all of them have IG accounts and a few of them got those accounts in 4th grade. I didn't let my DD get IG until last summer when she had finished up 4th and was headed into 5th grade. I watch it very closely. All of the moms are also friends with the girls on the IG accounts supposedly to monitor but I don't think the other moms are watching as closely as I am.

[Anonymous]

OP: One more piece of advice. I have an 8th grader and 5th grader. My social life no longer revolves around theirs. Start spending your time with the friends YOU CHOOSE. I think by default, when our kids are young we end up socializing with the parents of their friends. This break is an opportunity for you too to reconnect to friend you haven't seen in a while and foster friendships with people you really connect with. Invite someone to coffee or to lunch. Don't restrict yourself to other parents at your kids' school. By the time they hit middles school you hardly know the parents of their friends (at least a large public MS). Privates may be different, but I still think you'd be wise to make your own friendships and not restrict yourself to those that enrolled at the same school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not worry mom -- at this age friendships come and go and come back around. How do you know what they are doing on instagram?
The best thing u can do for your DD is to show her how to be open to new friendships and provide opportunities for her to make new friends. She may not be worried about what they are doing, but you bringing it up may make it worse. It is not your job to save friendships that may have run its course. Let her take the lead, be open to talking about her feelings if she decides to share and then...let ...it..go
The friends she made in Kindergarten may drift away and come back in 6th or 7th grade. Such is life.

+10000
This is the number one thing my older cousins with grown children have been telling me - don't try to make plans for your kids by late elementary - dot micromanage -let your kids take the lead. SO important!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like YOU care a lot more than your DD. I hope you don't convey that to her. If she's good, encourage her strength. Ignore those girls, and she will follow suit. Make her some casual playdates with other friends.

I'm lucky in that my dd just moves on to other friends if previous friends don't include her in things. Friendships should be reciprocal. Encourage those friendships. And I would definitely encourage her lack of interest in instagram. Let her forget that she even has an account.

x100000

Let your DD move on, OP. She may or may not go back to those friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I could have written this post. We are going through the exact same thing. I too am feeling hurt and rejected for both myself and DD as I was friends with the moms and DD with the girls. I am not sure what went wrong, and I don't think my DD is perfect, but it is nevertheless hard to watch. I don't have much to offer except to say that it stinks and you are not alone in feeling a little hurt as well. I see the moms and I am always courteous but brief and I really like the idea about not speaking about my child at all since really at best they don't care and at worst they are condoning the exclusion or think its somehow justified. I am encouraging playdates with different kids, have suggested some new activities that might build confidence and expose DD to new girls, and bought some fun new games for us to enjoy at home as a family. I am also hopeful that the silver lining will be that DD will remember EXACTLY how this felt and as a result will be mindful of the feelings of those around her going forward.

OP here, Thanks 13:24. I hope things get better for you and your DD. It's so sad that this is such a common issue. The why and what happened is what baffles me, too. I don't know what went wrong in our case either. I know my DD isn't perfect either and has things to work on but I don't think she's any different than any other 5th grade girl who is trying to navigate the social scenes and girl dynamics.

Most likely, nothing went wrong. Kids often change interests and friends at this age. It's normal.

And happily, your DD sounds just fine. Is she sad or disappointed that she's not included? I'm sure. But it's really ok. She's rolling with it instead of obsessing about it. That's fantastic!! It says a lot about her maturity and perspective.

My advice: follow her lead and you'll be fine, too! She'll look around and build new friendships. You can, too.

On that note, this might be a good time for you to branch out more, socially. Specifically, develop more friendships with adults who are NOT linked to your kids. This way you have relationships that are independently yours and are not contingent on your children's choices.

Because here's the thing: the last thing you want is for your DD to feel like she has to worry about YOUR relationships and feelings when she's figuring out and navigating HER friendships!

It's hard enough to be a 10-14 year old kid. Taking care of your mother's social life is one burden too many.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I hear you loud and clear and appreciate the feedback. Your words are not falling on death ears. You have no idea how much you have enlightened me.

[Anonymous]

I have a fifth grader and she is not on IG--I am shocked by all the parents allowing this. IG is a vehicle for bullying and fifth graders do not meet IG terms of service requirement.

[Anonymous]

I have a 8h grade girl who had IG in 6th. It became a problem and we encouraged her to delete her account. Her perspective has improved so much! She is not as involved in the drama and neither am I. Since this experience I've decided my younger DD(5th grade) will not have IG until high school at least. The social benefits are not worth the mental health problems at this age.
Also echo the PP who suggested to find your own independent friend group. It helps.