Did anyone build an in law suite or move to bigger house to move in MIL?

[Anonymous]

Considering this for MIL, age 70. She is healthy now but lives in an isolated cold-weather area and DHs only sibling is very unstable. She is not wealthy enough to live on her own here We have two children who love her and could benefit from her care (ages 4 and 6) after school. This is my idea, not DHs. Is it crazy to consider? I come from a culture where this is not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

We have done the same thing for the past seven years. Sounds like a simliar situation, my mom was divorced, retired, and lived in a snowy area alone. She helped considerably when I first returned to work after DH was born. She is older now and stays with him an hour after school a few days a week until I can get home. Just a few things to note:

1. Look into the health care implications of moving. If your MIL has Medicare with a supplement plan she should just be able to transfer this over to the new state. Consider whether you will pay for this. For my mother is costs us about $250 a month plus we pay her prescription copays. Also, look into her medical needs and think about where she can be seen.

2. Finances. My mom is down to just her social security now so my DH and I contribute significantly. Also, my sister contributes as well. Both you and your DH need to be on the same page about this.

3. Emotions/Conflict-If at all possible give your MIL a large enough space including a bathroom and small kitchen. Being in a small house, together, especially during the cold months can be challenging. My mother has her own small apartment in our house and if I could give her more space I would.

I will tell you it is not always ideal, and there are days I wish I had not done this. On the other hand she provided exceptional care for my DS when he was little and we can now help her with her care.

[Anonymous]

PP, thanks for the thoughtful reply. I hadn't thought of many of these hings. She is financially irresponsible, so that gives me pause. I figure we'll be supporting her financially eventually. I don't think zoning will allow for a full kitchen setup, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Considering this for MIL, age 70. She is healthy now but lives in an isolated cold-weather area and DHs only sibling is very unstable. She is not wealthy enough to live on her own here We have two children who love her and could benefit from her care (ages 4 and 6) after school. This is my idea, not DHs. Is it crazy to consider? I come from a culture where this is not uncommon.

This the kind of mistake you will look back on with tears in your eyes. Americans don't know how to behave themselves and contribute to a family the way people from traditional cultures do. This kind of arrangement will not work with an American MIL. She will move in and be ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

PP whose mother has the separate kitchen: how often does your mother eat by herself in her suite? Do you feel weird or bad enjoying family time together while she's by herself? How do you determine what days you eat together? What about going out as a family? Does she always come with you or can you do outings with just kids and DH? What about trips and vacations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering this for MIL, age 70. She is healthy now but lives in an isolated cold-weather area and DHs only sibling is very unstable. She is not wealthy enough to live on her own here We have two children who love her and could benefit from her care (ages 4 and 6) after school. This is my idea, not DHs. Is it crazy to consider? I come from a culture where this is not uncommon.

This the kind of mistake you will look back on with tears in your eyes. Americans don't know how to behave themselves and contribute to a family the way people from traditional cultures do. This kind of arrangement will not work with an American MIL. She will move in and be ungrateful.

What an asinine statement. I've heard plenty of awful MIL stories from "traditional cultures."

OP, I wouldn't worry too much about a full kitchen. If you can provide a microwave, electric tea kettle/coffee maker and a mini fridge that would be a good trade off. I know when my own (Asian) MIL comes to live with us she would be insulted having her own kitchen. The reason being perceived isolation from the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP, and I should have clarified. My mother has a bedroom, bath, and area where she stores snacks. She does not have her own kitchen. My own grandparents did, however, when they lived with my aunt and uncle and this gave them more options for eating earlier/later whatever.

As far as eating out/outings/vacations this can be tricky because my mother basically always wants to come and we pretty much always pay. I don't think DH minds the paying so much, but he would like some time for us as a family. It helps if you have a sibling your parent can visit or friends they can go on outing with. Also, my mother is active at the senior center, and goes there about twice a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering this for MIL, age 70. She is healthy now but lives in an isolated cold-weather area and DHs only sibling is very unstable. She is not wealthy enough to live on her own here We have two children who love her and could benefit from her care (ages 4 and 6) after school. This is my idea, not DHs. Is it crazy to consider? I come from a culture where this is not uncommon.

This the kind of mistake you will look back on with tears in your eyes. Americans don't know how to behave themselves and contribute to a family the way people from traditional cultures do. This kind of arrangement will not work with an American MIL. She will move in and be ungrateful.

Go away troll. I have a WASP friend whose mother lives with them on a floor of their house and they get along very well. It's particularly great for the grandchild who is receiving excellent care from a loving family member.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. We are in the process of building an in-law suite for both my MIL and FIL. It's going to be basically a one-bedroom apt., minus the oven/stove (which makes it a second kitchen in zoning world), that is attached to our house. It will have a separate entrance, as well as an entrance into our house.

FWIW, my in-laws moved up here in June after retiring and selling their condo in FL. So they have been living in our guest BR since then. While we have all been managing, it will be nice to have some separate space when it's all done.

We have all been sharing our kitchen, but we anticipate that they will be able to eat in their apt. as needed. (We will be putting in a combined microwave/convection for cooking.) They have been helping out with childcare issues, but so far, we have left our kids in SACC until at least the apt. is done to give everyone space.

As far as financials, they are living off of SS, with a little bit saved up in a retirement account as well.

[Anonymous]

I have friends doing this for their 70 YO FIL. Bonus is that he is kicking in $500k on new house which moves them up considerably.

[Anonymous]

We did this in our previous house (MIL bedroom on same floor with the rest but with custom en suite bath) and are building a lower-level suite with kitchen or kitchenette in our new house. There are definitely times where she annoys the crap out of me, but most of the time she's very helpful with DD and took care of her for her first year after I went back to work. She also contributes financially 1/3 of housing costs. She previously lived on her own before she retired but DH doesn't think she could do it again at this point. Do I love the idea of living with her for the rest of her life? Not really, but I'd way rather have her than my parents. They are nuts! So it can work if everyone has the right attitude/temperament and there's a good relationship and mutual respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering this for MIL, age 70. She is healthy now but lives in an isolated cold-weather area and DHs only sibling is very unstable. She is not wealthy enough to live on her own here We have two children who love her and could benefit from her care (ages 4 and 6) after school. This is my idea, not DHs. Is it crazy to consider? I come from a culture where this is not uncommon.

This the kind of mistake you will look back on with tears in your eyes. Americans don't know how to behave themselves and contribute to a family the way people from traditional cultures do. This kind of arrangement will not work with an American MIL. She will move in and be ungrateful.

Go away troll. I have a WASP friend whose mother lives with them on a floor of their house and they get along very well. It's particularly great for the grandchild who is receiving excellent care from a loving family member.

I must have hit a nerve. Your WASP friend is irrelevant. OP is from a traditional culture and merging households with an American MIL will be a nightmare. Come back and let us know how it works out, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering this for MIL, age 70. She is healthy now but lives in an isolated cold-weather area and DHs only sibling is very unstable. She is not wealthy enough to live on her own here We have two children who love her and could benefit from her care (ages 4 and 6) after school. This is my idea, not DHs. Is it crazy to consider? I come from a culture where this is not uncommon.

This the kind of mistake you will look back on with tears in your eyes. Americans don't know how to behave themselves and contribute to a family the way people from traditional cultures do. This kind of arrangement will not work with an American MIL. She will move in and be ungrateful.

Go away troll. I have a WASP friend whose mother lives with them on a floor of their house and they get along very well. It's particularly great for the grandchild who is receiving excellent care from a loving family member.

I must have hit a nerve. Your WASP friend is irrelevant. OP is from a traditional culture and merging households with an American MIL will be a nightmare. Come back and let us know how it works out, OP.

NP - We're plain ol' American white folk, and it worked out just fine. We put an addition on the house, Grandma moved in, and everything worked out just fine. We're ten years in to the arrangement. Sorry that you had such a horrible experience, but that's on you, not all of America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering this for MIL, age 70. She is healthy now but lives in an isolated cold-weather area and DHs only sibling is very unstable. She is not wealthy enough to live on her own here We have two children who love her and could benefit from her care (ages 4 and 6) after school. This is my idea, not DHs. Is it crazy to consider? I come from a culture where this is not uncommon.

This the kind of mistake you will look back on with tears in your eyes. Americans don't know how to behave themselves and contribute to a family the way people from traditional cultures do. This kind of arrangement will not work with an American MIL. She will move in and be ungrateful.

Go away troll. I have a WASP friend whose mother lives with them on a floor of their house and they get along very well. It's particularly great for the grandchild who is receiving excellent care from a loving family member.

I must have hit a nerve. Your WASP friend is irrelevant. OP is from a traditional culture and merging households with an American MIL will be a nightmare. Come back and let us know how it works out, OP.

NP - We're plain ol' American white folk, and it worked out just fine. We put an addition on the house, Grandma moved in, and everything worked out just fine. We're ten years in to the arrangement. Sorry that you had such a horrible experience, but that's on you, not all of America.

Do they not teach reading comprehension over in plain old America? PP is highlighting a culture clash among in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considering this for MIL, age 70. She is healthy now but lives in an isolated cold-weather area and DHs only sibling is very unstable. She is not wealthy enough to live on her own here We have two children who love her and could benefit from her care (ages 4 and 6) after school. This is my idea, not DHs. Is it crazy to consider? I come from a culture where this is not uncommon.

This the kind of mistake you will look back on with tears in your eyes. Americans don't know how to behave themselves and contribute to a family the way people from traditional cultures do. This kind of arrangement will not work with an American MIL. She will move in and be ungrateful.

Go away troll. I have a WASP friend whose mother lives with them on a floor of their house and they get along very well. It's particularly great for the grandchild who is receiving excellent care from a loving family member.

I must have hit a nerve. Your WASP friend is irrelevant. OP is from a traditional culture and merging households with an American MIL will be a nightmare. Come back and let us know how it works out, OP.

NP - We're plain ol' American white folk, and it worked out just fine. We put an addition on the house, Grandma moved in, and everything worked out just fine. We're ten years in to the arrangement. Sorry that you had such a horrible experience, but that's on you, not all of America.

Do they not teach reading comprehension over in plain old America? PP is highlighting a culture clash among in-laws.

I read just fine, thanks. I was replying to the idiot who said Americans don't know how to act like those from traditional cultures do (whatever that means). And for the record, OP didn't say anything about a culture clash, only that she is from a culture that seems to value multi-generational living.