How much to fight for maintaining blended family/marriage

[Anonymous]

Good afternoon. We are married less than 5 years, no kids together, but each bring kids from prior marriages. Blending has been rough, one of the exes also a huge strain and drain. Spouse has progressed to alcohol addiction though has begun treatment. I know there's a lot going on here, but my question is... I am so tired and numb from so much crap and I know addiction is a rough road, with relapses not uncommon. If we had kids together, I feel it would be a different story in terms of trying to stick it out. Since we don't, I feel tempted to walk away from the craziness. Anyone have any related experience that might shed some light on how I might proceed? I don't want to shortchange my future if spouse gets act together; not really looking forward to being alone, but so much has happened, sort of tempted to be done with it... Thanks in advance.
p.s. another complicating factor is that spouse has strained relationship with one of my kids...

[Anonymous]

The stained relationship with a child of mine would be enough to end things.
They will always be an alcoholic. In recovery but still there are issues. If financially you can survive think about making an exit plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stained relationship with a child of mine would be enough to end things.
They will always be an alcoholic. In recovery but still there are issues. If financially you can survive think about making an exit plan

Thanks. OP here. I think a lot about how much weight should I put on the strained relationship with my child. Some days I feel it should be at the top of the list, then a colleague shared that she tells her kids that it's important she take care of herself and have companionship, so asks kids to make adjustments...

[Anonymous]

Gonna take care of yourself and have companionship with an alcoholic? Over your kid's welfare? Really?

Your first duty is to your minor children. This is not the only person in the world you can find companionship with. Choose someone healthy next time.

[Anonymous]

A lot depends on your relationship with spouse's kids. If they are 6 and 8, and you have been a mother/father to them, I'd probably fight pretty hard to keep the relationship together, especially if their other parent either isn't in the picture or was a mess. If they're 16 and 14, that's a different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gonna take care of yourself and have companionship with an alcoholic? Over your kid's welfare? Really?

Your first duty is to your minor children. This is not the only person in the world you can find companionship with. Choose someone healthy next time.

I don't know that I agree with this.

It sounds like OP's spouse is seeking treatment. I think that is a good time to address the other issues, including the strained relationship with one of her kids.

OP, I am sure that your spouse's road to treatment has been rough on you. I can understand why you want to throw in the towel. However, recognize that that will be disruptive to your kids as well, and consider how to manage that, if you decide to leave. Are you in counseling together? It sounds like that would be helpful for your marriage, and counseling for you might also be helpful.

I guess I should not have been surprised that you are being told that you're selfish and prioritizing yourself in this situation. After all, you divorced and remarried, which means you make bad choices according to many here. They are very careful to point out what divorce does to children in other situations, though. Take it with a grain of salt. You know what your spouse is capable of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gonna take care of yourself and have companionship with an alcoholic? Over your kid's welfare? Really?

Your first duty is to your minor children. This is not the only person in the world you can find companionship with. Choose someone healthy next time.

I don't know that I agree with this.

It sounds like OP's spouse is seeking treatment. I think that is a good time to address the other issues, including the strained relationship with one of her kids.

OP, I am sure that your spouse's road to treatment has been rough on you. I can understand why you want to throw in the towel. However, recognize that that will be disruptive to your kids as well, and consider how to manage that, if you decide to leave. Are you in counseling together? It sounds like that would be helpful for your marriage, and counseling for you might also be helpful.

I guess I should not have been surprised that you are being told that you're selfish and prioritizing yourself in this situation. After all, you divorced and remarried, which means you make bad choices according to many here. They are very careful to point out what divorce does to children in other situations, though. Take it with a grain of salt. You know what your spouse is capable of.

OP is not divorcing the parent of his/her kids. This divorce will be nothing but good for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gonna take care of yourself and have companionship with an alcoholic? Over your kid's welfare? Really?

Your first duty is to your minor children. This is not the only person in the world you can find companionship with. Choose someone healthy next time.

I don't know that I agree with this.

It sounds like OP's spouse is seeking treatment. I think that is a good time to address the other issues, including the strained relationship with one of her kids.

OP, I am sure that your spouse's road to treatment has been rough on you. I can understand why you want to throw in the towel. However, recognize that that will be disruptive to your kids as well, and consider how to manage that, if you decide to leave. Are you in counseling together? It sounds like that would be helpful for your marriage, and counseling for you might also be helpful.

I guess I should not have been surprised that you are being told that you're selfish and prioritizing yourself in this situation. After all, you divorced and remarried, which means you make bad choices according to many here. They are very careful to point out what divorce does to children in other situations, though. Take it with a grain of salt. You know what your spouse is capable of.

OP is not divorcing the parent of his/her kids. This divorce will be nothing but good for the kids.

Not so crystal clear... One kid has better relationship with step-parent and one of the step-sibs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gonna take care of yourself and have companionship with an alcoholic? Over your kid's welfare? Really?

Your first duty is to your minor children. This is not the only person in the world you can find companionship with. Choose someone healthy next time.

I don't know that I agree with this.

It sounds like OP's spouse is seeking treatment. I think that is a good time to address the other issues, including the strained relationship with one of her kids.

OP, I am sure that your spouse's road to treatment has been rough on you. I can understand why you want to throw in the towel. However, recognize that that will be disruptive to your kids as well, and consider how to manage that, if you decide to leave. Are you in counseling together? It sounds like that would be helpful for your marriage, and counseling for you might also be helpful.

I guess I should not have been surprised that you are being told that you're selfish and prioritizing yourself in this situation. After all, you divorced and remarried, which means you make bad choices according to many here. They are very careful to point out what divorce does to children in other situations, though. Take it with a grain of salt. You know what your spouse is capable of.

OP is not divorcing the parent of his/her kids. This divorce will be nothing but good for the kids.

Not so crystal clear... One kid has better relationship with step-parent and one of the step-sibs.

It is crystal clear. There is no healthy relationship with an alcoholic. If the alcoholic were the parent it would be different, but it's not. No need to model years of codependency for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gonna take care of yourself and have companionship with an alcoholic? Over your kid's welfare? Really?

Your first duty is to your minor children. This is not the only person in the world you can find companionship with. Choose someone healthy next time.

I don't know that I agree with this.

It sounds like OP's spouse is seeking treatment. I think that is a good time to address the other issues, including the strained relationship with one of her kids.

OP, I am sure that your spouse's road to treatment has been rough on you. I can understand why you want to throw in the towel. However, recognize that that will be disruptive to your kids as well, and consider how to manage that, if you decide to leave. Are you in counseling together? It sounds like that would be helpful for your marriage, and counseling for you might also be helpful.

I guess I should not have been surprised that you are being told that you're selfish and prioritizing yourself in this situation. After all, you divorced and remarried, which means you make bad choices according to many here. They are very careful to point out what divorce does to children in other situations, though. Take it with a grain of salt. You know what your spouse is capable of.

OP is not divorcing the parent of his/her kids. This divorce will be nothing but good for the kids.

Divorce is going to be disruptive regardless of who the parent is. The OP won't have to deal with an extended coparenting situation with this spouse, true, but they have been married for 5 years, and I have a hard time believing that the kids have no relationship with spouse. Divorce also has financial impacts on parents, which in turn affects children.

It certainly won't be as difficult for OP or her kids as divorcing their father probably was, but as a person who has been remarried to someone for 5 years, with a young child, I will tell you that if he and I split up, it would be incredibly disruptive for her. OP mentions that one of her kids has a strained relationship with her spouse, but doesn't say anything about the other kids. I would assume that those kids probably have good relationships with the other parent. My daughter was pretty upset when her dad broke up with his girlfriend of close to a year. They didn't live together and weren't married, but the relationship existed anyway, and it was disruptive.

That was my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gonna take care of yourself and have companionship with an alcoholic? Over your kid's welfare? Really?

Your first duty is to your minor children. This is not the only person in the world you can find companionship with. Choose someone healthy next time.

I don't know that I agree with this.

It sounds like OP's spouse is seeking treatment. I think that is a good time to address the other issues, including the strained relationship with one of her kids.

OP, I am sure that your spouse's road to treatment has been rough on you. I can understand why you want to throw in the towel. However, recognize that that will be disruptive to your kids as well, and consider how to manage that, if you decide to leave. Are you in counseling together? It sounds like that would be helpful for your marriage, and counseling for you might also be helpful.

I guess I should not have been surprised that you are being told that you're selfish and prioritizing yourself in this situation. After all, you divorced and remarried, which means you make bad choices according to many here. They are very careful to point out what divorce does to children in other situations, though. Take it with a grain of salt. You know what your spouse is capable of.

OP is not divorcing the parent of his/her kids. This divorce will be nothing but good for the kids.

Not so crystal clear... One kid has better relationship with step-parent and one of the step-sibs.

It is crystal clear. There is no healthy relationship with an alcoholic. If the alcoholic were the parent it would be different, but it's not. No need to model years of codependency for the kids.

Why would it be different? Would it suddenly be acceptable to have a strained relationship if the alcoholic was the parent? What about the alcoholic's biological children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gonna take care of yourself and have companionship with an alcoholic? Over your kid's welfare? Really?

Your first duty is to your minor children. This is not the only person in the world you can find companionship with. Choose someone healthy next time.

I don't know that I agree with this.

It sounds like OP's spouse is seeking treatment. I think that is a good time to address the other issues, including the strained relationship with one of her kids.

OP, I am sure that your spouse's road to treatment has been rough on you. I can understand why you want to throw in the towel. However, recognize that that will be disruptive to your kids as well, and consider how to manage that, if you decide to leave. Are you in counseling together? It sounds like that would be helpful for your marriage, and counseling for you might also be helpful.

I guess I should not have been surprised that you are being told that you're selfish and prioritizing yourself in this situation. After all, you divorced and remarried, which means you make bad choices according to many here. They are very careful to point out what divorce does to children in other situations, though. Take it with a grain of salt. You know what your spouse is capable of.

OP is not divorcing the parent of his/her kids. This divorce will be nothing but good for the kids.

Not so crystal clear... One kid has better relationship with step-parent and one of the step-sibs.

It is crystal clear. There is no healthy relationship with an alcoholic. If the alcoholic were the parent it would be different, but it's not. No need to model years of codependency for the kids.

Why would it be different? Would it suddenly be acceptable to have a strained relationship if the alcoholic was the parent? What about the alcoholic's biological children?

The OP is more responsible for his/her biological children than for the spouse's. When it's your own alcoholic parent, you should go through therapy to try and have some sort of healthy relationship, but it's not always possible. It's cruel to put a kid through that with a stepparent. Alcoholism is no joke and can detrimentally impact families for generations. its not a joke, not a lifestyle choice. It's a debilitating illness that hurts everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Offhand, I can think of no reason to stick with this sick relationship unless you are a masochist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good afternoon. We are married less than 5 years, no kids together, but each bring kids from prior marriages. Blending has been rough, one of the exes also a huge strain and drain. Spouse has progressed to alcohol addiction though has begun treatment. I know there's a lot going on here, but my question is... I am so tired and numb from so much crap and I know addiction is a rough road, with relapses not uncommon. If we had kids together, I feel it would be a different story in terms of trying to stick it out. Since we don't, I feel tempted to walk away from the craziness. Anyone have any related experience that might shed some light on how I might proceed? I don't want to shortchange my future if spouse gets act together; not really looking forward to being alone, but so much has happened, sort of tempted to be done with it... Thanks in advance.
p.s. another complicating factor is that spouse has strained relationship with one of my kids...

Should you stay with an alcoholic who doesn't get along with your kid?

[Anonymous]

My guess is the OP has codependent traits already, and it's very hard to leave.