Coping with family member you can't stand long term

[Anonymous]

For those who have a close family member that you can’t stand, how do you deal with having to have them in your life long-term? Meaning, you can’t simply cut them out because they are a part of the family and others want them around?

I seriously hate my BIL. I could write a novel as to why, but he is manipulative, condescending, rude, selfish, annoying and much more. I literally cringe every time I see him. Problem is, he is DH’s brother and while DH agrees with me to a certain extent, it’s his brother and he wants him in his life. Plus he feels bad for him (40, single, not many friends, kind of a loser, etc).

BIL recently moved 6 blocks away from us (I swear on purpose, DH disagrees) and he wants to hang out/get together all the time. DH has been good about trying to set boundaries for my sake but BIL tends to just stop by on weekends now which makes me crazy. DH has repeatedly asked him to call first but he doesn’t, and DH refuses to turn him away unless we happen to be going somewhere. He literally calls DH every single day asking if he can come over after work to hang out, when we can make plans, etc. And when DH says we are busy, it’s not a good night, etc. BIL gives him a guilt trip and makes him feel bad. We probably see him once a week (or twice if he “pops” over) which is too much for me.

We have 2 young kids and a busy life and this is the last thing I need to deal with 24/7. This is the #1 issue DH and I argue about and I seriously don’t want it to lead to our demise. DH is totally in the middle which sucks for him. BIL is unreasonable and won't change his psycho ways, so I feel like I need to just suck it up since DH has made it clear he isn’t cutting him off (and I get that is unreasonable).

Is it horrible that I secretly wish BIL would just move away (or disappear off the face of the earth) to solve this problem?

[Anonymous]

I have no suggestions, OP - but it sounds awful. I sympathize. Grown adults need to be self sufficient and independent, barring exigent circumstances ("neediness" does not qualify).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who have a close family member that you can’t stand, how do you deal with having to have them in your life long-term? Meaning, you can’t simply cut them out because they are a part of the family and others want them around?

I seriously hate my BIL. I could write a novel as to why, but he is manipulative, condescending, rude, selfish, annoying and much more. I literally cringe every time I see him. Problem is, he is DH’s brother and while DH agrees with me to a certain extent, it’s his brother and he wants him in his life. Plus he feels bad for him (40, single, not many friends, kind of a loser, etc).

BIL recently moved 6 blocks away from us (I swear on purpose, DH disagrees) and he wants to hang out/get together all the time. DH has been good about trying to set boundaries for my sake but BIL tends to just stop by on weekends now which makes me crazy. DH has repeatedly asked him to call first but he doesn’t, and DH refuses to turn him away unless we happen to be going somewhere. He literally calls DH every single day asking if he can come over after work to hang out, when we can make plans, etc. And when DH says we are busy, it’s not a good night, etc. BIL gives him a guilt trip and makes him feel bad. We probably see him once a week (or twice if he “pops” over) which is too much for me.

We have 2 young kids and a busy life and this is the last thing I need to deal with 24/7. This is the #1 issue DH and I argue about and I seriously don’t want it to lead to our demise. DH is totally in the middle which sucks for him. BIL is unreasonable and won't change his psycho ways, so I feel like I need to just suck it up since DH has made it clear he isn’t cutting him off (and I get that is unreasonable).

Is it horrible that I secretly wish BIL would just move away (or disappear off the face of the earth) to solve this problem?

\

I feel for you. This sounds intrusive and exhausting.

My suggestion for coping would be to try to take the pity route with him. It sounds like his life is not that great - can knowing this help you be less aggressively disgusted/annoyed by him? I definitely think you need to keep enforcing boundaries to the extent possible, don't get me wrong. But since you have limited control here unfortunately, trying to reframe how you think and feel about the situation might be your best bet.

[Anonymous]

I would go about your life like he isn't there. I don't mean give him the silent treatment or be excessively rude but set clear boundaries. When he comes over let DH handle entertaining. If you need DH to help with something, set clear expectations that you expect him to disengage from BIL and help. Go about your business like you normally would. After a while of this BIL will realize (hopefully) that he needs to make other friends or stay at home because your house isn't a fun bachelor place tomhang out.

[Anonymous]

He's your husband's brother. Can you do your husband a solid by not putting him in the middle?

It's sort of like the stop caring thread - just stop caring BIL is an asshole. You don't have to hang with him when he comes over, you can do other things.

Give your DH the gift of not pressuring him on this. Let him find the right balance. So maybe at first it will be too much, but it'll taper off into something more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Do you think it would help to set up a regular brother's night? Say one day a week that your DH's brother knows that he is getting together with your DH? I often hear that mentioned as a solution to overbearing mothers who can't stop calling. But yeah - firm boundaries. You have to work this out with your DH first. Marital counseling if necessary...

[Anonymous]

I've set up a weekly Brothers night and get the f*** out of the house.

[Anonymous]

If this is your husband's brother you need to stop with the nagging unless its really getting in the way of his time as a parent.

[Anonymous]

He sees his brother once a week and you're making a fuss? Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've set up a weekly Brothers night and get the f*** out of the house.

I was thinking something like this, too. Let the two of them visit while they take care of the kids. You get a weekly evening out to do whatever you like.

[Anonymous]

I agree on the
"Brothers' Night" idea.

Also, this guy sounds like he needs a girlfriend, then he will disappear.

[Anonymous]

Se me to me that wanting to hang outweigh an adult sibling you love once a week isn't unreasonable. It's the intrusiveness and incessant asking that is. So, how about Thursdays are Bro Night? Make it a thing. You can do your own thing after kids are in bed that night. No more power struggles, no more nagging.

In exchange, though, your DH has got to get on board with boundaries for drop-ins. "Hey, bro, it's family time right now, but I'll see you on Bro Night!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go about your life like he isn't there. I don't mean give him the silent treatment or be excessively rude but set clear boundaries. When he comes over let DH handle entertaining. If you need DH to help with something, set clear expectations that you expect him to disengage from BIL and help. Go about your business like you normally would. After a while of this BIL will realize (hopefully) that he needs to make other friends or stay at home because your house isn't a fun bachelor place tomhang out.

I agree with this. If he pops over when DH is home, be busy so 100% of the entertaining falls on him. If he comes over when DH is not home say "sorry, X isn't home right now" and close the door.

Read the "not caring saved my marraige" thread and apply some of that here. Don't engage. Also, spell out your expectations to your DH. He is 100% responsible for his brother.

Gah! If my sister pulled this shit I would be supremely annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Se me to me that wanting to hang outweigh an adult sibling you love once a week isn't unreasonable. It's the intrusiveness and incessant asking that is. So, how about Thursdays are Bro Night? Make it a thing. You can do your own thing after kids are in bed that night. No more power struggles, no more nagging.

In exchange, though, your DH has got to get on board with boundaries for drop-ins. "Hey, bro, it's family time right now, but I'll see you on Bro Night!"

That would be the deal maker--no drop ins on weekends.

[Anonymous]

Have them both go work out at the gym several times a week together. I kind of feel sorry for him. I know I'd feel even more like crap if I lived near my sister and her husband and they didn't want me around, especially if I moved to be near them because I was a loser. He might feel jealous he's been replaced by you in his brother's life. I sense some competitiveness and that you've now taken over what used to be his territory.