Coping with family member you can't stand long term
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Anonymous
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Well before presenting the nuclear option to your husband, I would stop to examine whether this brother has a psychiatric condition which might make it easier to sympathize and also to manage him. For example, the description you supplied could be linked to an Asperger's diagnosis. If your BIL is asocial, doesn't read non-verbal cues, only responds to direct language, sometimes seems off, can't seem to make relationships work, etc, he might be on the spectrum. I would have a totally different reaction to someone like this than, say, to a simple jerk. What do you think? |
Anonymous
| Help him find a girlfriend. For example, organize an activity and invite a single friend and BIL. Bonus if you dislike the girlfriend too. |
Anonymous
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You may have to plan a cross-country move.
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Anonymous
| The next time BIL comes over you just leave to run errands or get a pedicure and leave them to watch the kids. |
Anonymous
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The problem is that OPs time with her husband is infringed on if BIL comes over too much and OP just goes about her business. If that business includes some down time with BIL, OP loses that.
Best solution is to get him a girlfriend. Get him onto Match or whatever. |
Anonymous
+1 WTF is wrong with you, OP? |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for the responses. If it were just them hanging out once a week that would be fine - but when you make one plan with him for a specific time, he is already onto the next time we will hang out so it's not enough. Also, I don't care if DH sees him once a week - I don't like him and don't want to see him, so my question was, how do others deal with having to see someone repeatedly that you don't want to.
DH just tries to blow him off or ignore because he pesters and guilt trips him non-stop, even though DH has explained we have quite a lot going on in our lives. We both work full time and have to entertain clients once a week (often on separate nights but not always) so there isn't a predictable day they can get together. Also, DH has to do work at home most nights after the kids go to bed so he juggles that too. And, since DH is away from the kids so much during the week, he doesn't want to go off and do things with BIL after work (unless after bed time) or on the weekends because he wants to see the kids... so he would prefer for BIL to hang out with all of us. BIL has no hobbies they can do together - he doesn't work out, doesn't like sports, etc. A girlfriend would absolutely be the answer, but he has NEVER had a serious girlfriend and hasn't dated in 5 years. I have wondered if he is gay but I don't think so. I don't think he has a desire for a girlfriend or to get married. I also don't think he has Aspergers. He is very successful in his work which involves a lot of customer service so I don't think he has social issues per se. Here are some of my biggest issues with BIL: - BIL decided he and DH should go on a guys' trip. He floated the idea by DH who said he would be into it, but wasn't sure what his schedule was like and would have to get back to him. BIL interpreted that as an okay to plan a trip and buy the plane tickets. DH only found out because BIL sent him an email with the confirmation and a request to pay him back for his half. BIL just chose a random weekend, which happened to be the same weekend we had good friends visiting town from TX, and then got into a huge argument with DH after he said he can't go on the trip. - BIL is successful at work and has a lot of money. Before our kids were born, BIL talked non-stop about how he gave each of his best friend's two kids $10K to put into a 529 plan for college and how generous it was of him. He has never given our kids a dime since the day they were born. He did not give DH and I a wedding present. He does not buy our kids birthday presents. His friend is not poor and is doing just fine, in fact I am sure his friend has more money than DH and I in the bank. BIL also frequently asks to borrow money from DH - not huge sums, just $20 here and there when they are out and he "forgets" his wallet - and never treats him for anything and never pays him back. - when BIL does come over and the idea is to all "hang out together", he always lures DH away and gets him started on some kind of home improvement project which is generally unnecessary and then makes a mess and leaves me alone with the kids. Last weekend he convinced DH we needed to fix the grout in one of our bathrooms (which neither of them knows how to do) so that meant a trip for the two of them to a hardware store and they were gone for 2 hours, a huge mess, and tile that looks worse than it did before. When they are together they don't watch the kids at all or do kid friendly activities so that falls to me. I would love to leave them with the kids and go out myself, but BIL doesn't really want anything to do with them so it always ends in a disaster. - BIL has a nice 3 bedroom house with a guest bedroom with a queen size bed. We also have a 3 bedroom house as well, with no spare bedrooms. When their parents come visit for a weekend once every 3 months, BIL refuses to let them stay at his house because he finds them annoying. So instead, their 70 year old parents have to sleep on an air mattress in our basement, or DH and I give them our bed and sleep on the air mattress. - BIL smokes and I have asked him repeatedly not to smoke around our kids. He generally ignores that and I often find cigarette butts in our backyard (100% from him) which is really rude. He could at least pick them up. He says we need an ash tray - but why should I buy an ash tray when I asked him not to smoke on our property? - when we do get together with BIL, many times we will either go to an early dinner on a Sunday night or bring in something to our place. BIL is a bit of a particular eater, but certainly not pickier than our kids, and always wants to dictate where we eat or what we order. He likes really spicy Thai food and always wants to go to one particular restaurant. Neither the kids or I really eat that, and it's always a battle to explain to him why we don't want to go there. We have offered for him to order in from there for himself but he pouts and gets mad. We also eat dinner early because of the kids, like 6pm, and BIL says it's too early and complains about it non-stop. |
Anonymous
| OP again... he is another great one I forgot. Last month BIL was rear ended so he had to take his car to get fixed. He has a BMW, and I guess they gave him a loaner car at the shop but it was a Honda Accord. He actually asked DH if they could switch cars for a week because he didn't want to drive a Honda. DH said no, mainly because he didn't want BIL smoking in his car, despite the fact that I think this is just a ridiculous request in general. BIL was annoyed and told DH he couldn't believe how selfish he was being. Really????? |
Anonymous
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Wow OP, he sounds like a nightmare. Is he older than DH?
If I were in your situation I would just talk to BIL myself without making DH do it. And if he is still a problem, I would go off on him. He can think I'm a "crazy bitch", I will happily take the blame (if DH is ok with it) for not allowing him over or for them to hang out. My own DH is just too nice and such a pushover that I can totally see this happening with him and his brother if he behaved like this (thankfully he does not!) |
Anonymous
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Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your DH about BIL. Lay out your expectations clearly. No home improvement projects. No smoking. No this, that, or the other. Explain what you are okay with, clearly. In turn DH needs to have a serious conversation with BIL. If it doesn't happen, make your point obvious -
"BIL, please don't smoke in our yard. Smoke in your own car if you have to, no exceptions." "We don't need to do x,y,z home improvement. DH needs to spend time with his kids." "Tonight isn't a good night to hang out, see you another night, bye." BIL sounds like an a**hole, don't let him walk over your family and home. Have a voice in your home if DH isn't going to speak up. If BIL doesn't like it, what's the worse that can happen, he'll stop coming over. |
Anonymous
| Your BIL sounds a lot like mine. The only difference is my DH can't stand him either and so we have cut him off for now. Unfortunately it is not permanent and we will have to engage again at some point when IL's health becomes an issue. I am not sure anything can be done unless you and DH get on the same page. Read Sociopath next door and see if it rings true. |
Anonymous
| OMG, he sounds beyond annoying. I've come across people like that, but luckily none that I have to hang out with on a regular basis. Our inlaws aren't perfect, but your situation kind of makes me appreciate them more. I wish I had advice for you, but it really sounds like a tough spot you are in. Move to a different city? Ha, just kidding, but yeah, no easy answers. |
Anonymous
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It kind of does sound like he's on the autism spectrum, and maybe that the customer service thing is doable because it's more scripted and set.
I think the first step is to sit down with your husband and really hash out what he would like his relationship with his brother to be. Once he knows that, does it match with what you want it to be? If not, get to a compromise point. Then lay it out to the brother, being open to compromise if he suggests something reasonable. And hang on to those boundaries. A counselor might be helpful. See one yourself, or with your husband, or even get a social worker who will help the two of you navigate the conversation with your brother. It's going to be exhausting. Sorry you have to deal with this. Try to be compassionate toward the brother. Maybe try to get him interested in something without you, like religion? Is there any way he'd like to go to church? Some of them meet really frequently 
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