Argumentative spouse

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with an argumentative spouse?

DH is the kind of person with whom everything becomes a debate. For instance, this morning, we were discussing buying an article of clothing for our toddler. First, he started complaining that it would be hard to put on him. So, I pointed out that the article comes in multiple lengths and showed him an easily put on length. And then, as soon as that was resolved, he decided he wanted the hard to put on length after all and started trying to debate its merits with me. I just got up from the computer and told him to buy whatever he thinks best. Normally, I would get frustrated and let him bait me into an argument, but I woke up today determined not to let him piss me off. It's only 8AM and I already can't stand him.

That is just a mundane example. There are so many more. We argue every single day. Literally EVERY day. It is rare we go to bed on friendly terms. We have been to therapy and it didn't help. Pointless arguing is too ingrained in him and I work such long hours that I realized there was no point to killing myself to make therapy sessions that clearly weren't helping him. I kick myself constantly for making the mistake of marrying him, but we have a child, so I am fighting to make this work.

This man is not going to change, so please don't take up the thread with responses about how I can get him to change. What I am asking for help with is how to live with someone so obnoxious. I don't want our son to grow up seeing us fight constantly the way we do. Our toddler was chanting "fuck" the other day and I had to pretend not to know where he heard it. But I know - it's from our arguments.

I just want to know how to live in peace with this person the way one would live with an obnoxious boss or coworker at a job one cannot leave yet. He is a good father, so we can raise our child together (at least until our son is old enough for divorce not to be so damaging. I need to figure out how not to let him bait me and how to manage collaborating with him on which I just can't walk away and leave things to him the way I just did with the article of clothing.

[Anonymous]

OP here - The last line should say: "I need to figure out how not to let him bait me and how to manage collaborating with him on issues when I just can't walk away and leave things to him the way I just did with the article of clothing.

[Anonymous]

See the thread about not caring. To me that means choosing to be happy despite what my spouse is doing and how he is behaving.

[Anonymous]

Submit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See the thread about not caring. To me that means choosing to be happy despite what my spouse is doing and how he is behaving.

How does "not caring" address decision making on things like what house to buy, where your kids go to school, where you spend holidays? Are you just going to cede all decisions to the spouse you don't care about and walk around living a life s/he dictates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Submit

Jesus, the thread just started and we already have an idiot troll chiming in.

[Anonymous]

So you don't know why you married him, but you went ahead and had a kid with him when you already knew he was like this? Brilliant idea.

[Anonymous]

disengage would be my approach. How do you end up buying toddler clothes together? Perhaps just let him buy what he wants, you buy what you want when he's not around?

[Anonymous]

I am married to man who's default is also to debate/argue random stuff. This has caused me to decrease how much I "run by" him by 90%. Want to buy kid a shirt, I just buy it. Not sure what to serve at our next get together, I buy what i need and them tell him to do the same. It's the only thing that keeps me sane, he somehow sees the constant debate as evidence that he is engaged but it makes me disengage.

[Anonymous]

How's the sex? That may be at the root of his disgruntledness.

[Anonymous]

Agree about disengaging if you stay. Don't necessarily concede, but walk away if he starts fighting. Also try communicating in writing (text, email) rather than in person. May still be a 'fight' but can take the emotional fangs out of it.

Also reconsider your ideas on divorce timing. Not sure why you think it will be better to wait, that seems counter to most discussions I've seen from children of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Therapy sometimes doesn't work. Sometimes a different therapist will help. If you haven't already, I suggest cognitive behavior therapy from a clinical psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Really curious why you are both involved in something as non-consequential as buying kids' clothes. That's typically a one-person job, so I find it interesting that it's something you were both involved in, particularly when he's an argumentative person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am married to man who's default is also to debate/argue random stuff. This has caused me to decrease how much I "run by" him by 90%. Want to buy kid a shirt, I just buy it. Not sure what to serve at our next get together, I buy what i need and them tell him to do the same. It's the only thing that keeps me sane, he somehow sees the constant debate as evidence that he is engaged but it makes me disengage.

OP here. This is a good idea. I really shouldn't be running by him anything that I can take care of myself. This will help at least half our arguments, although not all. Thanks for this helpful start to the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really curious why you are both involved in something as non-consequential as buying kids' clothes. That's typically a one-person job, so I find it interesting that it's something you were both involved in, particularly when he's an argumentative person.

OP here. We're going on a trip. Our son needs rain boots. It came up in conversation and, over my protests that I could take care of it, DH came along to the computer when I went to order the boots. He actively looks for chances to start a fight.