Need advice from people with BFF marriages
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I've been married to DW for 10 years and we have two elementary aged kids. We both work full time and due to the busyness of life, we are drifting apart. I'm not saying that we're headed for divorce, just saying that we're becoming roommates and co-parents rather than cultivating our relationship and becoming better friends.
I feel as the man, I need to step up and take initiative to do something about this. I don't want to find myself in another 15 years with a woman who I don't have a close friendship with and have nothing to talk about when the kids are in college. The only problem is that I'm a dude who has been married for 10 years. I got no game. Don't judge me. So for those that have a BFF relationship with your DW or DH, would you share what you do to keep your relationship vibrant? Do you do regular date nights? How do you get regular time to continue growing in your relationship with the grind of life eating away at the clock every second? How do you have meaningful conversations about life and ideas, instead of scheduling which parent is going to pick up the kids or who's cooking what for dinner? I think what it may come down to is that I've become less thoughtful because I just don't have the time (I just want to get things done). But I realize that I need to make the time. It's hard but I want to make an effort, even if it's small. |
Anonymous
| One thing that has been helpful for us is to have weekly meetings about running the business that is our family. We figure out who has what going on that week, if we need additional childcare, additional items at the grocery store, plane reservations, dinner reservations, dentist appointments, Cub Scout uniforms, etc. That way we don't miss anything, and we aren't co tinning to talk about these things through the week. |
Anonymous
|
OP, it's really great that you want to improve your marriage. I am a woman, not in a BFF marriage, but I have several close friends who do have them. I also know what I would like my own DH to do to improve our relationship.
Carve out the time from work to go on day dates with your wife. We used to aim for 2-4 times a year when our kids were small. Do different things than you do on nights and weekends. Go see a museum, visit a winery, whatever your thing is. Allow plenty of time for sex. Good luck! |
Anonymous
We do this too. We call them "no screen" nights which means we aren't working on our laptops. We only have devices out to look at the calendar. It also usually involves a bottle of wine too. That way we also avoid getting annoyed with each other because we thought the other was going to take care of xyz. Our kids are a little bit older (12 and 10) and our weekends are full of travel sports, birthdays, etc. We watch TV series together for years- Sex and the City, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, The Americans, Masters of Sex, etc. Date nights every week. If we don't go out, we'll cook a late dinner together after the kids go to bed. We take lots of overnight trips together too. Grandparents help out with the kids. We both work- I own my business and work mostly from home. He has a higher stress job that involved some travel, but he makes our family a priority. |
Anonymous
| Maybe I'm misinterpreting your definition of "BFF marriage" but personally, I don't want a "BFF marriage." I had one and I'm divorced. My ex was my best friend and so many people say things like "I'm married to my best friend!!!!" And I am not really impressed. Of course you should be friends with your spouse but your spouse should be your LOVER. Beyond friendship. Way more than BFF's. Maybe doing BFF things like weekends away will help you get to the "lover" thing again, but I personally don't see being best friends as a good thing. Your marriage should be so much more. |
Anonymous
OP here. But wouldn't you say that sex is better when you are "in tune" with your DW or DH? We are not in a sexless marriage but I want her to want to be in the moment with me, not out of duty (but who am I kidding, I would take duty sex any day of the week). In my small brain, I think that being better friends, or in other words, being better connected with her, will yield better love making and better everything else. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with my DW every single hour of the day. I'm just saying that I want to be better connected with her on an emotional level. |
Anonymous
PP here. In my own experience (which of course may not be typical of everyone!), being better friends put us basically in the "friend zone." XH became like a good roommate. I didn't want to have sex with him, because I don't usually get naked with my best friends. It's good to connect but I think there is a difference between connecting romantically and connecting in a BFF way. A weekend away? Great way to connect, but do something romantic. Plan a nice dinner at a romantic place. Be physically affectionate. Tell her she's sexy. But don't be just friends! |
Anonymous
|
I always make time to ask DH about things going on in his life that aren't kid related and try to appear interested (even if I am not always hahaha). Like I always ask him how his day at work is, and he always asks about mine. He probably isn't fascinated by the office gossip and politics but he always makes sure to remember the players so he can follow along, show interest.
Same for our families and friends, I just try to always show interest in all facets of him, not just the dad/husband part, and he does the same for me. We also have time built into our day where we talk to each other. Post bedtime we hang out with each other for a half hour/hour most nights. And we get in bed usually 30/60 minutes before going to sleep and will talk during that time too. Regularly IM/gchat during the day. It's little things every day that show each other that we care about each other. And making time for regular sex of course. Affectionate touching a lot as well. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is extremely helpful to me. Thank you. |
Anonymous
| 10:34 here. I agree with 11:32 and wanted to add that we don't have a TV in our bedroom and we go to bed around the same time. Like 11:32, we also take 20 minutes or so before bed to just lay and talk and stuff. That's a really nice time to connect. It almost always leads to some form of cuddling and often sex, lol! |
Anonymous
|
How is your marriage stale after 10 years ? I consider 10 years still honeymooning. I can't imagine not having love butterflies. Maybe at 25 years.
And yes, my husband is was and will forever be my best friend. You want romance ? Help around the house and do something with the kids. Romance isn't flowers, date night, sex, sex movies, unoriginal actions copied from tv. It comes from paying attention. And it's two sided. If you need tips this early in your marriage, it's in trouble. |
Anonymous
| After the kids go to bed, we go into the garage, drink beer, and play darts. We talk about our days. It really helps take the edge off of a busy day. |
Anonymous
|
The fact that you recognize that things could be better and want to make some changes is great. I think around the 10 year mark is a pretty common time for distance to develop as everyone is busy with work and kids. Most people want to feel loved and appreciated by their spouse. Try reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's a little hokey and can be repetitive but I think the concept of understanding and learning to speak your SO's love language is actually pretty useful.
It can be really hard to keep a romantic spark going. Physical affection (not just to lead up to sex) and occasional sincere compliments that make her feel sexy and beautiful will help remind you both that you are more than just roommates and parents. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| I think it's wonderful that you want to improve your friendship! We really connect over shared hobbies that we've discovered over the years. Maybe list some ideas with your wife and see if you can find a new interest to share? Being intentional matters too. Zoning out in front of the TV after kids are in bed is lame. Planning to share a bottle of wine a and watch a show together is fun. |
Anonymous
|
We've been married 51 years and I still get a thrill when he smiles at me or touches my hand. We have always put our relationship FIRST before anyone else under God's love as the umbrella. We depend upon Him to keep us dry and together when the storms come down all around us. We have special trips we have taken to the same place as our "honeymoon" and relive and renew our vows. When children would interrupt us after dinner, we would hold fast the rule of 10 mins to talk time. Children need to learn to consider the parents at times and learn to wait. There is a website called “Focus on the Family” which addresses many marriage subjects including intimacy. There is nothing like living in unconditional love as we age with our spouses and our needs become heightened. I'm glad you want to strengthen your marriage. I will be praying to that end. |