Need advice from people with BFF marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:34 here. I agree with 11:32 and wanted to add that we don't have a TV in our bedroom and we go to bed around the same time. Like 11:32, we also take 20 minutes or so before bed to just lay and talk and stuff. That's a really nice time to connect. It almost always leads to some form of cuddling and often sex, lol!

11:32 here, also don't have a TV in our bedroom and it was a very intentional choice for these reasons

[Anonymous]

What is a "bff" marriage?

My husband and I love hanging out together, laugh together, are equal partners and parents, have a decent sex life for parents of young kids, etc. But I have many close girlfriends that I talk about in-depth things with, some of which wouldn't interest him. I have no interest - nor do I believe it's healthy - for one person to be another's entire emotional outlet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm misinterpreting your definition of "BFF marriage" but personally, I don't want a "BFF marriage." I had one and I'm divorced. My ex was my best friend and so many people say things like "I'm married to my best friend!!!!" And I am not really impressed. Of course you should be friends with your spouse but your spouse should be your LOVER. Beyond friendship. Way more than BFF's. Maybe doing BFF things like weekends away will help you get to the "lover" thing again, but I personally don't see being best friends as a good thing. Your marriage should be so much more.

OP here. But wouldn't you say that sex is better when you are "in tune" with your DW or DH? We are not in a sexless marriage but I want her to want to be in the moment with me, not out of duty (but who am I kidding, I would take duty sex any day of the week). In my small brain, I think that being better friends, or in other words, being better connected with her, will yield better love making and better everything else. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with my DW every single hour of the day. I'm just saying that I want to be better connected with her on an emotional level.

PP here. In my own experience (which of course may not be typical of everyone!), being better friends put us basically in the "friend zone." XH became like a good roommate. I didn't want to have sex with him, because I don't usually get naked with my best friends. It's good to connect but I think there is a difference between connecting romantically and connecting in a BFF way. A weekend away? Great way to connect, but do something romantic. Plan a nice dinner at a romantic place. Be physically affectionate. Tell her she's sexy. But don't be just friends!

Why can't you be romantic and also be good friends? I've been married 20 years; sometimes we are in the friend zone (not for long but that's just life). A marital relationship can't possibly be all wine and roses.

[Anonymous]

1. We take time to laugh and be ridiculous. I still play small pranks on her from time to time and we're not above doing singalongs with terrible 80s music. (You haven't lived until you've heard my rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart). Only takes 5 minutes to have a laugh together.

2. We ALWAYS are at least planning something fun. Could be a weekend getaway (even with kids) every 3-4 months, or might be our next big family vacation. The important thing is that we always have something to look forward to and something fun to plan/talk about.

3. We both make an effort to be generous to each other in little ways. She'll get a favorite treat at the grocery store, I'll spend 5 minutes on the internet looking for a theater production that she might be interested in.

All little things, but have made a huge difference for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm misinterpreting your definition of "BFF marriage" but personally, I don't want a "BFF marriage." I had one and I'm divorced. My ex was my best friend and so many people say things like "I'm married to my best friend!!!!" And I am not really impressed. Of course you should be friends with your spouse but your spouse should be your LOVER. Beyond friendship. Way more than BFF's. Maybe doing BFF things like weekends away will help you get to the "lover" thing again, but I personally don't see being best friends as a good thing. Your marriage should be so much more.

OP here. But wouldn't you say that sex is better when you are "in tune" with your DW or DH? We are not in a sexless marriage but I want her to want to be in the moment with me, not out of duty (but who am I kidding, I would take duty sex any day of the week). In my small brain, I think that being better friends, or in other words, being better connected with her, will yield better love making and better everything else. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with my DW every single hour of the day. I'm just saying that I want to be better connected with her on an emotional level.

PP here. In my own experience (which of course may not be typical of everyone!), being better friends put us basically in the "friend zone." XH became like a good roommate. I didn't want to have sex with him, because I don't usually get naked with my best friends. It's good to connect but I think there is a difference between connecting romantically and connecting in a BFF way. A weekend away? Great way to connect, but do something romantic. Plan a nice dinner at a romantic place. Be physically affectionate. Tell her she's sexy. But don't be just friends!

I think this is a you problem. It's weird that you didn't want to have sex with your husband because he was your best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. We take time to laugh and be ridiculous. I still play small pranks on her from time to time and we're not above doing singalongs with terrible 80s music. (You haven't lived until you've heard my rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart). Only takes 5 minutes to have a laugh together.

2. We ALWAYS are at least planning something fun. Could be a weekend getaway (even with kids) every 3-4 months, or might be our next big family vacation. The important thing is that we always have something to look forward to and something fun to plan/talk about.

3. We both make an effort to be generous to each other in little ways. She'll get a favorite treat at the grocery store, I'll spend 5 minutes on the internet looking for a theater production that she might be interested in.

All little things, but have made a huge difference for us.

In the same vein, wee send each other stupid/funny texts or emails during the day.For some reason he sends me info on his lunches, and reviews the food,, and I always send him articles I find about wild animals killing people. It's just a little thing to keep us connected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married to DW for 10 years and we have two elementary aged kids. We both work full time and due to the busyness of life, we are drifting apart. I'm not saying that we're headed for divorce, just saying that we're becoming roommates and co-parents rather than cultivating our relationship and becoming better friends.

I feel as the man, I need to step up and take initiative to do something about this. I don't want to find myself in another 15 years with a woman who I don't have a close friendship with and have nothing to talk about when the kids are in college. The only problem is that I'm a dude who has been married for 10 years. I got no game. Don't judge me.

So for those that have a BFF relationship with your DW or DH, would you share what you do to keep your relationship vibrant?

Do you do regular date nights? How do you get regular time to continue growing in your relationship with the grind of life eating away at the clock every second? How do you have meaningful conversations about life and ideas, instead of scheduling which parent is going to pick up the kids or who's cooking what for dinner?

I think what it may come down to is that I've become less thoughtful because I just don't have the time (I just want to get things done). But I realize that I need to make the time. It's hard but I want to make an effort, even if it's small.

I think you are asking how to keep your relationship from being a BFF and making it a BFFWB. Right?