Wits end with 8 year old daughter- ADD or NMA (needs more attention)
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Anonymous
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We had surprise pregnancy so have wonderful 18 m son- 8 year old daughter and 12 y son. All great kids and mom and dad both work so yes we are stretched thin.
My son is academic and sports all star competitive athlete so have lots of stuff going on for him. Baby is 100 miles an hour takes lot of focus- so I guess my daughter gets a little less focus. So not sure if that is problem or if she has ADD or what, but she is in trouble all the time!!!! I'm worn out with her and the yelling at her 24 7. She doesn't listen at all, is way to rough with the baby and does stuff all the time where I am thinking " what the heck were u thinking." Yesterday walked on her iPad, then pushed baby on his scooter into wall ( no injury) - I asked her to put her shoes away 5 times nothing. Little things but we go from one to the other incident until she is in bed. So I scheduled a doc apt and they want her there. I just need help figuring out why she is in trouble all the time and wondering about ADD but I can't imagine having this on versatile in front of her at Doctor. Any advice on behavior help or how to have talk with Doctor??? |
Anonymous
| I meant " conversation" in front of Doctor-- spell check strikes again |
Anonymous
| How is she at school? If she is fine at school it isn't ADD. How was she before you had the baby when she was 5 and 6? Sounds like she needs more attention. |
Anonymous
Her teachers and our friends love her-- she is so great! I thought about asking her teacher from last year- but my friend said they can't really be honest about maybe kid having ADD. Her grades are fine. I am tired and worn out-- but that aside, she even drives my mother and mother in law crazy. My mom completely lost it with her last visit because ahe manhandled baby so much despite her telling her to leave him alone 50 times. My mom started crying she got so upset at her. Baby is very big - 33 pounds- so hard for even us to handle. We let her interact and help all the time but she goes way to far! Should I ask her teacher? Should I even talk to the doctor or will yang scar her to hear us talk about her to someone. |
Anonymous
| If she is fine at school, something else is going on. Either the structure in your home, over tired, hungry, not enough attention, etc. We don't allow the iPad to be left on the floor so it cannot get stepped on. If she acts irresponsible it gets put away. I would do a reward system with her and make sure she gets 1-1 time. It sound like she needs more positive time and she's not getting it. Can grandma take the baby, while you spend time with her? Can grandma take her out for special time alone? |
Anonymous
| She can wait outside while you talk to do for or bring someone else with you to appt. |
Anonymous
| Do for should be doctor |
Anonymous
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Sounds like a classic case of 'needs more attention.'
Flip the script. Stop being so negative with her. Catch her being good (even if it's the smallest thing), so that she seeks out positive attention instead of negative. She's pushing your buttons so that you'll pay attention to her. |
Anonymous
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Divide your time. Oldest son can get a little less of yours, perhaps. If he's doing so great, he could cut back on something (if it takes YOUR time), or do an activity where you don't attend, etc.
She needs more on one one time with you. Try structured and unstructured time, and see how it goes. Also for discipline...step it up a little. When you ask her something 5x and she hasn't done it, it's not her fault you asked 5x. It's her fault you asked 3x. Consequences for not listening the first, or second, time. Practice this, and you'll never ask her 5x again. |
Anonymous
| ^Me again. And I'm guilty of the asking 11x to do something thing. But I notice, when it gets that far, it doesn't mean she's not paying attention, it means I'M not paying attention. I'm asking her while multitasking, or I'm feeling tired/lazy and don't want to actually enforce the consequences, etc, etc. |
Anonymous
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She's 8. I think you need to give her a break and give her more attention. I feel so sad for her that you called her Dr.
~Signed a mom of three kids including one 8 yo daughter who doesn't do things perfectly, but hey..she's a kid. A great one at that. |
Anonymous
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OP, you can make an appointment to talk to the doctor about your child without the child present. I have done it a couple of times when I didn't want the child to be listening in.
I have one child with ADHD and another who probably has it. We haven't had him evaluated yet because he has lots of friends, is advanced academically, and does well at school. (He is 9.) But he has every other red flag imaginable: is dangerously impulsive, never stops moving, talking, interrupting, and had other delays as a younger kid that are consistent with adhd. Just adding my story because people who say that if the child is fine at school, it isn't adhd, really don't know. Your child is so young and there are so many factors... maybe your child does much better in a very structured environment and therefore more easily follows rules at school; maybe child is a people pleaser; maybe child has social awareness to not want to get in trouble, and so on. Even if these are the case, it can be exhausting for kids like this to make a huge effort at school and sometimes they really let lose at home--like all kids do, just even more! That's what I find with my nine-year-old. We aren't going to medicate him for how non-stop crazy he is at home, but we'll revisit if the demands at school or socially get to be too much and affect him in more areas. Whether it is or isn't ADHD in your case, I think a lot of kids benefit from having rules and expectations simplified and made crystal clear. With some kids, you really do need to repeat your expectations every single day in every situation. I think as parents, we have to forget our kid's age and what we WISH child would do and meet the kid where she or he is maturity-wise. I find that if I say "We use gentle hands with the baby. We speak softly at the dinner table. We don't kick the soccer ball in the house..." BEFOREHAND behavior improves a lot. It is pretty basic stuff but you think you don't need it with an older child--but maybe you do. Also, you might need to add little motivators or rewards for good behaviors until they become a habit. When you come in from school, you put shoes away and hang up coat, get out important papers, and THEN you can have snack. My kids are very comforted and helped by orderliness and consistency. It can be hard to create habits with them but once we do, they are actually very good about following them. |
Anonymous
Yes I am stretched thin and maybe I don't handle discipline well - good point- but I can say she doesn't seem to be phased by punishment - part of the frustration. If she doesn't put her shoes away, what should I do? If she doesn't take her shower after asking her three times ( last night's fight) what do I do? Yelling or taking away iPad doesn't work-- how do I change her behavior? |
Anonymous
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On the shoes, I would ask once, twice. "Larla, did you hear when I asked you to out the shoes away? (Obviously ignoring you). Alright, you have 30 seconds to do it. If it's not done in 30 seconds, *i* will out your shoes away, and you might not find them in the morning." Then follow through or hope that gets her going.
However, I agree with another poster, that s better way is to prevent that situation by offering rewards / reward routines for the good stuff. The iPad is not a consequence for shoes though. Shoes are a consequence for shoes. The shower is its own consequence I think. It's on her to keep herself clean (and for you to remind her it's time). I don't have all the answers though!! I don't know her or you!! Just some thoughts above. 
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Anonymous
| OP, your daughter didn't suddenly become "ADD." She needs you; you need to parent. Give her some undivided attention. She obviously wants attention and is getting it even if it's negative. |