Step-son and Bedroom

[Anonymous]

Interested in people's thoughts:

My 17 yo stepson (for almost a decade now) lives with us 50% of the time. He has always been very protective of his space. I don't know if this is a reaction to living in two places, or just his personality, but, for example, he doesn't want guests using his room even when he's not here, even though we might put guests in our daughters' room and displace them to the basement floor. (Just an example) I have absolutely no problem with this. It's his personality, and an easy enough thing to respect. I don't go into his room at all when he's not here, and even give him a heads up when I'm planning on cleaning or putting laundry away.

Here's what's come up. We have a finished basement with a guestroom and one bathroom (total of four bedrooms/ 4.5 baths in the house). Recently, he's requested to sleep down in the basement, as it's quieter. Again, no problem. However, now, he's beginning to move stuff down there into both the bedroom and bathroom, effectively taking over two bedrooms and two bathrooms out of the house. The whole family regularly uses the basement and the bathroom down there. So now, he's closing off the area where the guest bedroom is and complaining if people use the basement bathroom. I asked his dad to maybe sit down and discuss if he'd like to move out of his room into the basement room. If he really wants to, we could just move the guest room upstairs, and use it as a play area for the younger kids. It's not as convenient, but it would be fine, as I understand him wanting a quieter, more private space. However, he doesn't want to totally move out either. So now, he's effectively keeping to himself half the bedrooms and half the full baths.

My husband thinks I'm making a huge deal out of nothing. But, is it reasonable to expect that respected private space in the house be limited to one bedroom and bathroom?

[Anonymous]

He gets one bedroom - that is all.
Nothing else to discuss. DH needs to put his foot down, or support you when you do.

[Anonymous]

He can have one room. I would not let a 17 year old in the basement alone, but that's personal choice. I get why he'd want his own space but he gets one room like everyone else. If he prefers the basement, everything gets moved and you redo his room as the guest room. But, the playroom remains the playroom.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he needs to choose. It's kind of you to respect his wishes/issues, OP.

[Anonymous]

You tell him to the pick a room and stick with it. Why does father need to do it? I would totally let my 17 year old stay in the basement. We also have two younger ones that are wild. I get that my 17 year old wants privacy

[Anonymous]

DS kind of dud the same thing, but understood basement was still common space.

[Anonymous]

Someone needs to give this kid some literal boundaries or he's going to claim the whole house. Tell him to pick a room and that will be his room. He doesn't get to claim a bathroom.

FWIW, how much longer is he going to be spending 50% of his time there? A year, maybe?

[Anonymous]

Your daughters share, but he gets two? Tell him to pick or understand that one room will still be common space.

[Anonymous]

Just one room. Pick one and stick with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters share, but he gets two? Tell him to pick or understand that one room will still be common space.

There may be another child, who has their own room. But, that is a good point. If he wants to go downstairs, move downstairs and split up the girls if they want their own rooms.

[Anonymous]

You are right, op and your husband needs to draw the line. One room, and no private bathroom. Basement bathroom is community space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters share, but he gets two? Tell him to pick or understand that one room will still be common space.

There may be another child, who has their own room. But, that is a good point. If he wants to go downstairs, move downstairs and split up the girls if they want their own rooms.

She said younger kids and daughters', but not clear whether the others share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can have one room. I would not let a 17 year old in the basement alone, but that's personal choice. I get why he'd want his own space but he gets one room like everyone else. If he prefers the basement, everything gets moved and you redo his room as the guest room. But, the playroom remains the playroom.

For me, it would depend on the 17-year-old in question's likelihood for using the arrangement to try to isolate himself completely from the rest of the family when home &/or get away with doing things he shouldn't be doing & whether or not the basement has a separate enterance.

The added privacy for him could be really nice (& an incentive to come home during the summer/breaks) when he is a young adult/ in college in a year or two but not right now if he's at all the type of teen who will use it to spend as little time as possible with the family, hide the fact that he is drinking, smoking, doing drugs, sneaking in & out at night, etc.

I'm any case, I agree with everyone saying that, even if you & your DH are confortable with him being on a different level of the house than everyone else & having his room in the basement, he shouldn't be able to simultaneously lay claim to two bedrooms. I'd either ask your DH to talk to him or do so together & let him know that it's fine if he wants to move into the basement but the family also needs a guest room/playroom so he either needs to move all his stuff out of his current room into the basement or just stay in his current room (& bring the stuff he already moved back upstairs to his room). Unless you really need to use either his room or the basement right a way, tell him he can take a week to decide what to he wants to do & then move his stuff (either completely back into his current room or into the basement) next weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he needs to choose. It's kind of you to respect his wishes/issues, OP.

This, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters share, but he gets two? Tell him to pick or understand that one room will still be common space.

If there are only 3 bedrooms upstairs (& 3 kids), it makes sense that the daughters share since they are the same sex. Even if there is a fourth child who is a boy, unless he is also from DH's previous marriage, the two boys (OP's stepson & son) are almost certainly much farther apart in age than the girls so, again, it more makes more sense for the two girls to share if there aren't enough bedrooms upstairs for each kid to have his or her own.

But, yeah, a kid who already has his own room taking over an entire other room is excessive. The OP & her DH (or just get DH) need to tell him that he needs to chose whether he wants to have the basement or his current room as his private space because he can't have both.After all, presuming there are only 2 other kids in the house (the girls who share a bedroom), even if he never uses the playroom & doesn't have any of his stuff in it (which is likely given his age) & his siblings do, the stepson will still lay claim to as much of the house as they do either way (one entire bedroom/basement vs one shared bedroom & one shared playroom) so I can't see any valid argument he could make as to why he should get sole use of both his current bedroom & the basement.