If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
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Anonymous
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I'm in a committed relationship, and we have been discussing marriage, but the more we discuss, the less certain I am of us and a future together. I don't know if I'm just getting cold feet because I have never ever loved someone like I love my current bf. I have not been in many serious relationships so this is the longest and most serious relationship I have experienced.
What were the warning signs that you missed that tipped you off in the end that it was the wrong person? |
Anonymous
| Sorry for extra comma in the title, slippery fingers! |
Anonymous
| If you've never loved someone the way you love your BF I think you're okay. The problems come when you don't live your fiancé/husband the way you once loved a boyfriend. Speaking from experience. |
Anonymous
| We were an opposite's attract couple, and I think we both assumed that the other would change, which works okay as two people, but get's really hard with kids. No one wants to sacrifice their values when raising their kids. We also became really socially isolated during the 6 years we were together before marrying. I brushed it off, because we were moving for work, and I thought we just hadn't found our community. If I'd been paying attention, I would have noticed that my now ex is just socially anxious, doesn't trust many people, and feels like she has to keep up a tiring front in social situations. |
Anonymous
| There's no magic way to know anything. My parents divorced after 30 good years. Lots of marriages are good until someone has a midlife crisis. Some people stay married in circumstances many would think are intolerable like addiction, prison, abuse or long-term affairs. Other people divorce over little things. I would say the biggest sign to know if someone is going to make it absent some huge negative factor (like addiction or abuse) is just how committed the people are to staying married and working things out. You just can't predict what life will throw your way but if someone is quick to say 'I'm out of here' that's a bad sign. |
Anonymous
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There is no "wrong person," OP, just as there is no "right person." (Well, an ax murderer might be an exception, but you know what I mean.)
You make a decision to make a life-long commitment. You then make it right. Your life is not a pre-written play, for which you are casting characters. |
Anonymous
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Mismatched values or partner either has a lack of consistent values, fails to uphold his or her stated values, or refuses to share what their values are on dilemmas that a couple could reasonably face. Financial woes, illness, infertility...
My ex and I were from different religious and cultural backgrounds. We had a lot of mismatched values about small things and that was exhausting to be honest. However, I was prepared to stick it out. Our major issue that allowed no compromise concerned pregnancy with a child with SN. I was very clear before we married that I would never have an abortion under any circumstances. He wobbled and evaded. Said he respected my position, but didn't know how he would feel. At the time, I was very much in love and thought that his respecting how I felt was enough. Maybe if it had been enough respect, it would have been. Five years later, we were listening to a doctor and I knew, I just knew he would ask me to abort. I refused. He made me pay for it every day for the next two months. When I didn't cave, he resorted to physical abuse. In the end, it could have been any issue though. We just didn't look at enough of life through the same lens to weather any crisis. |
Anonymous
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How old are you OP? I was young and assumed my xh, who was also young, would transition into the responsibilities of adulthood like everyone else. He didn't.
Warning signs should've been his family - more importantly how he viewed his family and what he thought was acceptable. On my wedding day I had a moment of knowing I shouldn't do this. At my hairdresser; there's even a picture of it. She asked if I was okay. I composed myself and said yes. Everything was already planned... When my dad came downstairs to get me/my bridal party I felt panic. I said something like in a few minutes? and he said no it's time now. I somehow walked down the aisle. I stood at the top with my knees swaying. I thought it was nerves and cold feet but my heart knew. I wish I never did it. That said I didn't see his whole self until we had kids. That's when it was clear I made a hell ish life choice. What do your friends/family see? I had friends try to caution me early on. |
Anonymous
This. That was honestly want tipped the scales for me to marry my DH. |
Anonymous
| My husband is anti-social. I didn't realize how bad it was for a few years. It bothered me because I really like being around people. It wasn't a big deal at the time because we lived in a big city that I grew up in and had tons of friends and family. If he didn't want to go out, I went alone. No big deal. We have moved 2x for his job. It is incredibly difficult to make friends. We don't have children. So I will try to socialize with neighbors and coworkers, but it's weird being a married woman showing up alone. My point is, looking back it was a huge deal and a red flag that I ignored. |
Anonymous
Please take your time. Maybe stop talking about it for awhile and just live. I am a big proponent of living together before actually making everything legal. If you are against that, have a long engagement. |
Anonymous
But, you have to be marrying a person who shares that value. I thought I was, but my now-ex left. |
Anonymous
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Mismatch in values
Different religious and SES background Cared about what I wanted/needed only to the extent it didn't inconvenience him, or make him uncomfortable Geographic inflexibility (I moved here for him and that was a huge mistake that I regret every day) We are in marriage counseling now, but were it not for our two kids, I would have been gone long ago. |
Anonymous
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Sex went downhill after kids. She left me for another woman. |
Anonymous
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You can *talk* through disagreements; he can stay without getting overly emotional or wanting to be right or getting his way all the time. The same applies to you. You both should be looking for win-win solutions where possible. No yelling, name-calling or hitting!
Both of you need to take the committment seriously. Don't assume because he's willing to get married to you that he's committing or will stay committed. Talk about what that means to each of you so you know. Talk about finances. How does he handle his finances? Does he live within his means and save for the future or is he an impulsive spender? Is he willing to work for what he wants? Is he willing to improve himself? You don't want a moocher who will dump all the responsibilities and work on you. Is he overly obsessed with anything -- sports, work, his family-of-origin? Can he say 'yes' as well as 'no' to others (like his mother) with equal ease, or is he a people-pleaser? Do you know the difference between confidence and arrogance? If not, learn what they are and how to tell the difference. You want a confident man, not an arrogant one. http://womanitely.com/ways-difference-arrogant-confident/ Do you both have similar values and want the same kind of lifestyle? Kids or no kids? City or country living? Laissez-faire, v. non-stop go-getter? Religion? Those differences really start to chafe over time. Does he ever lie to others in your presence or is he a man of integrity? If it's easy for him to lie, watch out. Don't assume he won't do it to you. |