If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a committed relationship, and we have been discussing marriage, but the more we discuss, the less certain I am of us and a future together. I don't know if I'm just getting cold feet because I have never ever loved someone like I love my current bf. I have not been in many serious relationships so this is the longest and most serious relationship I have experienced.

What were the warning signs that you missed that tipped you off in the end that it was the wrong person?

Please take your time. Maybe stop talking about it for awhile and just live. I am a big proponent of living together before actually making everything legal. If you are against that, have a long engagement.

It's harder to break up when you are living with someone.

+1

OP, take your time and do NOT live with him. Living with a person tends to slide into marriage without the time and space to scrutinize the man and the relationship in ways that will benefit you. You want to make a marriage decision (whichever way it goes) from a place you can leave relatively easily.

-1

Sign a one year lease-if the relationship is not working out, do not renew. Living together provides alot of information that useful for determining whether or not you can spend the rest of your life with him. It is possible for two people to love each but have incompatible views about the practicalities of life.
Living together will force you to deal with issues like household management, division of labor, finances, potential inlaws etc. Talking about it in abstract is not the same as having to practice it. Also, some people are very good at compartmentalizing the dysfunctional aspects for their life- living together makes it alot harder to hide or minimize.

This is easier said than done and costly for OP. Moving isn't cheap. Also why spend an entire year of your life? Most likely if you move in together you're on a slow walk down the aisle to the alter. That or you simply waste more time than necessary and instead of breaking up and dating other people you're still in the phase of figuring out how to move out. Don't put yourself in this position.

+1

You don't need to live with someone to know if you want to marry him. You just don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a committed relationship, and we have been discussing marriage, but the more we discuss, the less certain I am of us and a future together. I don't know if I'm just getting cold feet because I have never ever loved someone like I love my current bf. I have not been in many serious relationships so this is the longest and most serious relationship I have experienced.

What were the warning signs that you missed that tipped you off in the end that it was the wrong person?

Please take your time. Maybe stop talking about it for awhile and just live. I am a big proponent of living together before actually making everything legal. If you are against that, have a long engagement.

It's harder to break up when you are living with someone.

+1

OP, take your time and do NOT live with him. Living with a person tends to slide into marriage without the time and space to scrutinize the man and the relationship in ways that will benefit you. You want to make a marriage decision (whichever way it goes) from a place you can leave relatively easily.

-1

Sign a one year lease-if the relationship is not working out, do not renew. Living together provides alot of information that useful for determining whether or not you can spend the rest of your life with him. It is possible for two people to love each but have incompatible views about the practicalities of life.
Living together will force you to deal with issues like household management, division of labor, finances, potential inlaws etc. Talking about it in abstract is not the same as having to practice it. Also, some people are very good at compartmentalizing the dysfunctional aspects for their life- living together makes it alot harder to hide or minimize.

This is easier said than done and costly for OP. Moving isn't cheap. Also why spend an entire year of your life? Most likely if you move in together you're on a slow walk down the aisle to the alter. That or you simply waste more time than necessary and instead of breaking up and dating other people you're still in the phase of figuring out how to move out. Don't put yourself in this position.

People move all the time- for work, school, better apt/location. It's better to pay now and figure out if she is actually compatible with him. An engagement basically takes on a life of its own with wedding planning and allows little time for introspection. Once people are married, they feel obligated to make the marriage work even if there are fundamental differences that can't be resolved without the two people twisting themselves into pretzels. Living together is about fact finding. Moving out after one year is better (and cheaper) than divorce later or an unhappy lifetime together.

[Anonymous]

I once read, marry the person you can divorce. NOT because you expect it, but because they're a decent person who you can see fighting amicably with!!! It's funny but my DH is so nice, I trust it would be civil. But we're doing great, and the problems we have faced have all worked out. It's less about actually planning to divorce them, and more about trusting that negative stuff won't turn your life upside down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife said she never masturbated much. In retrospect, that should have been a red-flag. I think I'd be happier with a self-starter.

I'd have been happier with a starter. Word to the wise: ladies, if you find a 34-year-old male virgin, do not assume that all he needs to be a red-hot lover is for you to take his v-card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife said she never masturbated much. In retrospect, that should have been a red-flag. I think I'd be happier with a self-starter.

I'd have been happier with a starter. Word to the wise: ladies, if you find a 34-year-old male virgin, do not assume that all he needs to be a red-hot lover is for you to take his v-card.

True stuff. Guys, never marry a woman who hasn't been masturbating regularly since she was a teen, unless you're okay with a very low-drive partner and very little sex once you're married. Likewise, women, beware the eldervirgin and also beware of any man over 30 who hasn't had any long-term relationships.