placing blame

[Anonymous]

I've noticed that DH is super quick to place blame even when it isn't warranted. Here are two instances that happened tonight:

1. We all had dinner and then went to watch the last few minutes of the Giants/Cowboys game. Most of the food/dishes had been cleared but DS's corn cob was still on his plate on the table. The dog got it and we had to quickly get him to drop it before he swallowed it (he has serious stomach issues). We're in the middle of trying to pry it from his mouth and DH starts telling me that it was my fault because I didn't fully clear the table. I told him we needed to focus on getting the dog to drop the corn cob and then we could talk about it. But he kept saying it over and over. We finally got the dog to drop it and everything was fine but DH couldn't let it go.

2. DS's birthday party is coming up soon and I had ordered favors from an online store and they came yesterday. Tonight after DS went to bed I opened the box and brought one in to show DH. All he said was "well, you ordered them", in a way that voiced disapproval. There was nothing wrong with the favor.

In the first instance, I could see that somebody would be blamed for not fully clearing the table, but it automatically had to be me. The type of placing blame in the second instance is one that happens very frequently. It seems to be a very strange reaction to me, like he's looking to pick a fight or something, when I'm not even saying anything that requires blame to be placed. There's no problem in these situations, but DH wants to find one and wants me to know it's my fault.

It's frustrating because it often stops me in my tracks because it's such a WTF reaction. And even when it's somewhat understandable for blame to be placed, like in the dog incident, his need to do that while we're still smack in the middle of dealing with the more important issue (getting the cob out of the dog's mouth) is strange to me. But it seems that his priority is to be able to blame me as quickly as possible.

Does this happen to anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Yes. It took therapy for me to realize that so many things weren't actually my fault as DH made it out to be. But it seems like you already know that, so you're one step ahead. For my DH, placing blame seems to stem from his own anxiety. He refused to go to therapy for it though, so I'm working on pointing it out and not internalizing it.

[Anonymous]

Do you ever call him on it?

[Anonymous]

Is he a lawyer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever call him on it?

Yes. Doesn't seem to change much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever call him on it?

Yes. Doesn't seem to change much.

No--sales.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed that DH is super quick to place blame even when it isn't warranted. Here are two instances that happened tonight:

1. We all had dinner and then went to watch the last few minutes of the Giants/Cowboys game. Most of the food/dishes had been cleared but DS's corn cob was still on his plate on the table. The dog got it and we had to quickly get him to drop it before he swallowed it (he has serious stomach issues). We're in the middle of trying to pry it from his mouth and DH starts telling me that it was my fault because I didn't fully clear the table. I told him we needed to focus on getting the dog to drop the corn cob and then we could talk about it. But he kept saying it over and over. We finally got the dog to drop it and everything was fine but DH couldn't let it go.

2. DS's birthday party is coming up soon and I had ordered favors from an online store and they came yesterday. Tonight after DS went to bed I opened the box and brought one in to show DH. All he said was "well, you ordered them", in a way that voiced disapproval. There was nothing wrong with the favor.

In the first instance, I could see that somebody would be blamed for not fully clearing the table, but it automatically had to be me. The type of placing blame in the second instance is one that happens very frequently. It seems to be a very strange reaction to me, like he's looking to pick a fight or something, when I'm not even saying anything that requires blame to be placed. There's no problem in these situations, but DH wants to find one and wants me to know it's my fault.

It's frustrating because it often stops me in my tracks because it's such a WTF reaction. And even when it's somewhat understandable for blame to be placed, like in the dog incident, his need to do that while we're still smack in the middle of dealing with the more important issue (getting the cob out of the dog's mouth) is strange to me. But it seems that his priority is to be able to blame me as quickly as possible.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Your DH sound like my DW. Nothing can "just be." There has to be some illogical reasoning and a heavy dose of blame behind everything.

[Anonymous]

My DW is like this too.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and mine was verbally and psychologically abusive and controlling, to the point that it was unsafe for me to remain in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

No. Your husband is an ass, and the two of you need to train your dog better. The dog should not be grabbing food off the table.

I would divorce my husband if he didn't cut that crap out within a month of my pointing it out. It almost seems like he is blaming you so you can't blame him. Why was it YOUR job to clear the dinner table? Why hadn't your son cleared his own plate? Why is it so important to figure out whose fault something is? Aren't you both on the same side? I would not want to be in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

My husband does this sometimes. But when I call him on it, "Hey, you could have cleared the table too. I'm not the only functional adult here am I?" He shuts up.

[Anonymous]

disagree with most posters. if OP took it upon herself to clear table and didn't carry through with the task and a negative outcome resulted that's on her.

[Anonymous]

Did you consult him on the party favors or just do it? Maybe he's upset that you didn't include him on the party planning.

[Anonymous]

My DH similar. He externalizes blame on to me. Is your husband projecting self-hate/inner critic voice on to you?

[Anonymous]

My DH is the same way. He actually says j'accuse to me whenever something doesn't go how he wants. Sometimes it's a joke. Mostly it isn't. It gets old.

Basically, I flubbed up a few big things* in the past. Now he feels he has the right to blame me for everything, however minor, even if it's not my fault. And arguing is useless, because we always circle back to the past flubs, which were my fault. It makes discussing anything difficult and pointless.

*Things like missing out on the last free iPhone upgrade with contract renewal from AT&T without having to switch to the next plan. I got mine, then asked if he wanted to upgrade for his birthday. I saw something online that said the upgrades had to be done before a specific date, which happened to be my birthday. I confused the wording in my head and told him he had up to and including my birthday to decide and I'd place the order.