Teen dating + Help needed

[Anonymous]

I have a 15 year old son who started hanging with girl at the end of school last year/beginning of summer. A first. He has also not had close guy friends so kids don't come over to my house despite my encouragement, so neither are used to what's normal when friends are over. But of course there are expectations and ground rules. He's a good kid, but a bit of a follower, and I think he is pretty whipped.

The girl is starting 9th grade, him 10th. While I heard nice things about her, and she seems so, I have concerns about the 2 of them together because every time they are together I'm getting the vibe that they are making out way beyond what I feel is ok right now. I do not know for certain, but its my gut. They jump up a lot, there was some weird comment about something that made me question my son if he had sex, oral or any other. He said no. Who would really tell their mom though.

One main thing I'm running in to is that there seems to either be a lack of knowledge, awareness or care about what to do and where.

Ex: There isn't much to do as a teen. Go to the mall or watch TV. I let her come over to watch a move. I have made big dinners and let him invite her. I have offered to drive to water parks etc. so they can do stuff that isn't sitting around....and to show him I am open and okay to his having a person over.

However, I have found them laying on the sofa together then JUMPING up a few times. I have found them laying on a bean bag together under a blanket. The first time friends were around and I was slow on the uptake. The 2nd time I told him afterward it was not ok and no blankets. I have told him he may not LAY DOWN with her period! They were on the beanbag under a blanket with smaller cousins, and I can only assume they are feeling each other up. In front of others thinking they are stealth.

I am not naive and get if they want to do what they want to do, they will find a way. What I do not want to to create the opportunity or somehow give the message that because I'm friendly, hosting dinners or saying YES to movie nights here, I am okay with the rabbit mentality. Why make it easier for them to go at it?

Sex is not a new topic in my house, easy to talk about and been doing it for years. What I can't penetrate (no pun) is the fact that he is WHIPPED and likely only 1 brain is thinking and he somehow thinks laying down and feeling each other up in my house is okay - (no fear).

Meanwhile, who knows what her experience is or what is going on - I think she is the initiator, the more experienced and the one in charge.

MY QUESTIONS:
1.what do you allow in your home when kids visit? Rules?
2. I check on them, but the TV isn't under my nose
3. would you speak with the mom ; (I have told her he isn't allowed to have texts after 9 b/c they otherwise text till midnight and god knows what those look like are say). She didn't realize and is supportive. Mom is nice, another tired single mom doing her best. Do I say I am worried about the WAY they spend their time? I am trying to create a safe space for her by being in touch w/her and told my son that his behavior is not only not ok for a few reasons, but also b/c I am saying your daughter is safe here - then they engage in stuff and so that isn't fair to her mom b/c she got sort of false advertizing if that makes sense.
4.what tips, messages, advice to you have for how I navigate this phase?

I came from a very strict home. No boys ever came over. I really don't know how to address this and I don't want to be my mother - so strict no one came over and I snuck & hid & lied.


thx

[Anonymous]

This will get moved to the teen forum, in case you come back looking for it.

[Anonymous]

Yes they are probably both "whipped." It's that first love or first lust or first crush. Whatever you want to call it. The feelings are intense. Emotions as well as physical. That's why I don't want my son dating til 16 at least (lol I know I'm unreasonable here).

There are several things I'd talk to him about. I'd talk first about sex. I don't know if you've made it clear to him what your expectations are about that. I've told my son since age 9 I don't want him having sex until he's out of high school. Again, I know it will likely happen sooner, but I am clear with my expectations and reasoning behind them. (If he gets someone pregnant that young, it could be a disaster). And also tell him I realize he may have sex before that. But I expect it to be with someone he loves, not just someone who will.

Talk about birth control, and that he needs to use condoms every single time, even if his girlfriend insists she's using protection. They should be using 2 forms of birth control every time.

Talk about emotions, how huge they can be, and how they can go bad quickly. How does he think he can handle the huge love feelings or (unfortunately) the huge heartbreak feelings, and still manage to meet his school needs. Talk about "her" emotions. Is one way more in love with the other? Does one seem way more in control than the other? Does he feel they are both respectful of one another's feelings and boundaries?

Talk about how they argue and resolve conflict. Are they respectful to one another when that happens? Are they kind to one another?

Talk about sexting, and that you don't want him to ask for or receive any pics. They are forever, he doesn't control them as much as he may think he does, and they can get both of them in trouble in ways he may not envision.

And finally, tell him you expect no sex in your house. (If that's what you want). Public displays of affection can be uncomfortable to others in the house, and can be inappropriate at times. He shouldn't be doing anything with his girlfriend in front of anyone that he wouldn't do in front of Grandma (or whoever would make him cringe).

Tell him you support him, and want him to be happy, and he can ask you if he has any questions or concerns.

And repeat.

[Anonymous]

Yes to everything PP said, but I'd much rather they be in my house than somewhere out of my house.

These are the hardest years for everyone. 13 through... oh, 23? Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

oh my goodness this is so helpful! thank you very very much - for as much as I feel we talk and are open, your specific recommendations are more than what I have been doing and are great starting points for discussions - thank you

and thank you all for the validation - hard years for sure. Remember when we thought dirty cheerios on the floor mattered!?

[Anonymous]

also thanks - new here - didnt see teen forum

[Anonymous]

It's tough being a single mother OP.....

Even PAST the infant/toddler stage.

Parenting only gets easier when they fly the coop.

Signed-
A Mother of Two Grown Kids