The drama with grandma
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Anonymous
| I need help sorting out this situation: My DS (16) got his ear pierced this summer. With both my and his Dad's approval (even if this would not have been out first fashion choice). In any case, we don't think it's a big deal. When my mother found out, she completely freaked out and essentially refuses to talk to him. At first she simply ignored him and gave him the silent treatment, now she is polite but distant. In part , her reaction is cultural ( we are from another country where men don't wear jewelry. Period); in part it is somehow related to her father (my grandfather) who was adamantly against men wearing earrings (again, a cultural thing), and who died shortly before my son was born. Somehow my mom sees my son't earring as a betrayal of her father's memory . The background to all of this, and what makes this particularly painful, is that my son and my mother shared --until the earring-- a very close relationship. They were friends and confidants. They went traveling together, and talked on the phone often. My son always said -- and still does-- that my mom is his role model. My parents live 20 min away and we see them frequently. This has been devastating for my son, and puzzling to the rest of us. My mom has not brought it up with me, and I am afraid to bring it up with her because I fear I'll lose my cool because the situation is so absurd (you don't cut off relationship with your grandson over a fashion accessory!) Anyway, I am just not sure what the best thing to do. Do nothing and hope it will blow over? Ask my husband (who has a very good relationship with my parents) to have a conversation with her and try to talk reason into her? Try myself, knowing that it may end up badly? She has the right to not like his choice, and to disapprove of it and to even tell him she does. But to essentially withheld her affection????? |
Anonymous
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1. I can't believe you haven't talked to your mother about it already - it's for your son's sake, you can surely make an effort and keep it together! 2. It's pretty clear she thinks your son is gay. You need to talk to her about that too. 3. What does your father think? Perhaps he can talk some sense into her. |
Anonymous
| I don't think I would continue spending so much time with someone who made my kid feel bad. I'd talk to her about it before scaling back on visits though. I definitely wouldn't make ds keep visiting so she could give him the cold shoulder. |
Anonymous
| Haha, my son is not gay (wouldn't matter to me one way or another if he were). The funny thing is, I actually think she would accept him if he were gay. She is not a homophobe. It's the darn earring. I should talk to my father but he has been sort of fragile lately )health-wise and emotionally) and I don't want to worry or overburden him. Besides, I suspect that that the fact that she is even talking to my son is because my father talked to her. Ugh. |
Anonymous
Yes, totally.The thing is, my son loves them deeply. I don't require him to visit, he wants to. Honestly if I were in his shoes I would stay clear of such negativity. |
Anonymous
| Just tell her at least he doesn't have a tattoo. |
Anonymous
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For God's sake woman, have a come to Jesus talk with your mother!
What on earth does it matter if you end up yelling at her? She deserves it. |
Anonymous
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Next time there is reason to see her, back out. Tell her that her refusal to speak to your son is hurtful to him and you don't want to subject him to that abuse anymore. Tell her he misses their relationship. Ask her to call if she changes her mind and can see the good in her wonderful grandson beyond the fashion statement he is making.
Put the ball in her court. |
Anonymous
| Use paragraphs and I'll read your post. |
Anonymous
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Wait. Why is everyone jumping on OP's mother?
I think this should be a teaching moment for your son about cultural differences and beliefs. Every culture is certainly not the same, and certainly not as open and inclusive as Americans. I know - we always complain about the US but really, take a look around and we are pretty open to accepting everyone - piercings, tattoos and all. The minute you leave the US there are a host of "cultural" norms and beliefs that are so different. It sounds like the ear piercing is one for yours. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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My grandmother was a bit like this: wonderful but also old school and capable of nursing massive grudges. She called me a derivative of my actual name throughout my entire life because she thought the name my parents gave me was the wrong ethnicity (French, can you imagine!) She freaked out on my brother for choosing a non-Catholic college and once refused to speak to me for several weeks because I was doing a study abroad program in a very far away and very foreign country. She got over both of these transgressions; I still have the letter she wrote to me while I was away as a non-apology apology.
I remember being upset about it at the time, but honestly given how silly it all was it was somewhat easy to put into context and understand even as a teenager/young adult. Talk to your son, explain your mother's point of view, and let the whole issue simmer down some. She'll move on. Someday you'll look back on this and laugh. |
Anonymous
| It is something else. You don't know the whole story. Its not the earrings. |
Anonymous
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I have given this careful consideration, and I've got some advice for you:
Tell your mother to grow up. If you really want to drive the point home for emphasis, you could suggest she grow the BLEEP up. Also, threaten to have her put into a home. Because it sounds to me like maybe she's losing her mind. |
Anonymous
| Is your mom possibly showing signs of early dementia? This is such an extreme reaction to a benign fashion choice...maybe something else is going on. |