Getting better at not taking the judgment of clinicians and others to heart
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Anonymous
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I used to get so upset when people seemed to judge me/us. An old ST judged us for not doing her homework 2 weeks in a row without having an inkling of how many things were going on with our family that week and how we were just keeping our heads above water and on the verge of insanity. A well meaning but green special ed teacher recommends an insanely expensive program that has no research backing and then is disappointed when you save your money for other interventions. A parent sees your child misbehave in public and she scoffs not understanding how far your child has come and how much you have done to help her. The list goes on.
It used to punch me in the gut and make me want to scream my side of the story to the world or just bang my head against the wall. Now, things do sometimes still bother me, but I am getting better at realizing they don't get it. I can calmly try to explain, which I do, and when they still look at me with judgment it is their failure not mine. Some people have to live it to get it and other people are just so innately empathetic they would not think of judging. Have met quite a few teachers, clinicians and parents with well-developed empathy and those people give me strength. I don't need to win the approval of people who haven't taken the time to learn and understand. The most important thing is to do our best to do right by our child and let those people fade into the background. I guess this came up today because someone got judge with us today (long story) and it stang for a second and then I thought "Bless your heart" (southern for "F you idiot"). Said person didn't know any better. Ignorance abounds. Sometimes it is worth it to at least try to educate and sometimes it isn't worth the effort. Bless their hearts! |
Anonymous
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OP - I think you have a good balanced outlook as one has to consider the context in which advice - even professional is being given. Also I will say that in evaluations there can also be a bias or even personal history of a clinician or teacher which impacts's one's view of a SN child. When our daughter was first going to be identified back then at age 5, the male psychologist I knew had probably then an early teen, severely ID son who also ha physical limitations and used a wheelchair. Because I was more concerned with having an evaluation done in a setting she was familiar with - where we had been going for speech therapy for two years by then, I had had private testing done ahead of time, but did nto say so. In any case he never came to meet her beforehand, chose a room with no AC, and basically said when I went to pick her up at preschool that afternoon to the teacher, "Mother thinks she's educable!" Fortunately, for all concerned she had not been cooperative in such a setting so the school division accepted the private results from the local well regarded children's developmental clinic. Beyond the poor testing conditions, lack of prior introduction, I firmly believed it was his "preconceived ideas" about what a youn child with Down syndrome could or could not do. She did test at that time in the low educable range and was in the EMR class k-9th grade when we moved towards a more vocational structured program. **Today she could read just about all of this posting, though not understand the technical terminology. Our daughter was actually the first student even in a mostly self-contained program to demonstrate that one with DS could learn to read, write (basic skills) and do very well with basic functional math skills: time, calendar, money, rounding up. Today there is actually a high school student with DS trying to get a modified standard diploma, and I believe it is because the experience of having students before her demonstrating - beyond the IQ score - skills in certain areas such as language arts that expectations have been raised and opportunities given. So yes always consider the framework in which advice, helpful suggestions , compliments or criticism is shared. You do not always have to feel you need to educate, and, of course, there will be times when you will feel down that others do not know the hard work and progress actually made. I have found that I could actually be of assistance to younger teachers, case managers in certain ways by suggesting things that worked for us and telling them of resources online and in our community so keep that in mind, too. |
Anonymous
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OP,
You are way too thin skinned. Yes, two weeks in a row is a long time. If you're not able to do homework, just acknowledge this to the therapist and move on. Your post is extremely defensive. She's heard a million similar excuses. The take away is not to feel hurt by judgement, but how can you manage the home balance so that doing ST homework isn't impossible for two weeks in a row. The therapy is for your kid and the ST wants your kid to succeed. |
Anonymous
OP here. Well since you asked. My father was ill in the hospital. My daughter got a concussion at soccer practice. I was working over-time and DS was sick with a stomach bug for part of that time. I told the ST these things. Oh and one more thing...bless your heart!! |
Anonymous
We rarely did the speech homework (we do regular homework).  OP, you have good reasons not to. I've hear a mix of things from people. Most of the ones who say the dumb things are ones who don't get my child and they aren't deserving of me paying attention to.
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Anonymous
| Good lord, ease up on OP. While I haven't been on this SN journey long, it's been 3 years since diagnosis, I know enough to tell ya that no one can do the homework all the time. Is it ideal to do the work? Yes. But life happens. The most important thing is to keep at it. Keep going to therapy like you are doing. |
Anonymous
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Wow, you were definitely too thin-skinned, OP. People judge all the time. Why get upset over it? You don't even owe them an explanation. Move on. |
Anonymous
OP, I hear your frustration but you are using "bless your heart" completely wrong. - a southern mom |
Anonymous
Here's the problem, though. Your ST isn't your counselor or BFF. Only one of those things had to do with your daughter and her homework. The rest? Excuses, and when it comes time to see results of the therapy, guess who is on the line? Her, and her reputation. Because if your daughter wasn't progressing you would blame the ST. So she needs you to hold up your end of the deal so she can hold up hers. |
Anonymous
+1,000,000 |
Anonymous
I can't believe there is more than one of you posting on the SN forum. This is a supportive forum for people facing all kinds of complicated kid problems. If you can't be empathetic, please go back to General Parenting. |
Anonymous
NP. Empathy doesn't always mean pat you on the head and tell you you're totally right. Sometimes it means gently offering criticism and advice that can help you going forward. Personally speaking, I don't need patronization, sometimes I need good solid advice whether it's what I "want" to hear or not. |
Anonymous
I hear you OP. And for what its worth I don't think you're too thin-skinned and maybe that's because I used to be just like you. DS is 7 years post-diagnosis (ADHD and Expressive Language) and it took me a long time to let go of the paranoia that people were constantly judging DS and questioning our every move and decision. Questioning his diagnosis, even after 3 comprehensive evaluations. I am finally at a point, thanks to being "of a certain age" where I truly could not give 2 #ucks what anyone thinks.....about ANYTHING I do in my life. It is a very liberating feeling. |
Anonymous
What was the advice here? Don't get upset? Well, she was upset--how does she deal then? And besides all of that OP was telling how she overcame being upset, so why the admonition to not be so thin-skinned? She was describing how she had toughened up. Sorry, these posters were not being helpful in any way. They were simply taking unwarranted potshots at OP and should not be on the SN forum--they are other forums where that is expected and even relished. |
Anonymous
| I hear you, too, OP. I just spent an hour smiling at a therapist (while rolling my eyes inside) because she was clearly judging me without ever having even met my kid, giving me crappy advice and would not get me get a word in edgewise. She just talked non-stop for that whole hour about stuff that was completely irrelevant to DC! |