DW [Desperate Wife] wanting more intimacy from my DH

[Anonymous]

Another sad marital sex post...

How do the wives here cope with a DH that has a lower sex drive? I am 29, DH is 33. We've been married 6 years and have a 15 month old.

Ever since a few months into our marriage, I've had a higher sex drive than him. This has caused serious sexual frustration on my part, that I've gently talked to him about. He hasn't much changed. About 2 years ago I simply stopped initiating sex, mostly because it really hurt being rejected so much. We're down to sex about 3 times a month - once every weekend except the week I'm on my period (very predictable).

Well, last week we had a particularly fun (I thought) night so I tried to initiate sex two days later by cozying up to him and kissing his neck. He quickly shut me down saying something about me being on my period (I wasnt). The harsh way he shut me down literally made my stomch drop and after a few minutes I snuck away into the bedroom and cried to myself (mostly from embarassment, partly from frustration). Fast forward to tonight and he starts initiating and I get a bit bold and tell him to be rough and pull my hair (figuring he must be in an usual mood to initiate on a weekday). He ofcourse ignores my request. I playfully bit his cheek and he lost his erection (literally has never happened before), and I tell him to lay back and I gave him a BJ. I feel incredibly embarrased for asking him to be rough since he clearly didnt want to do it.

I give BJs before every time we have intercourse (and enjoy it too!) and anal when he wants it. I am up for literally anything that he wants to do but he does not want to have sex more than once a week. I figure if I cant change the frequency, maybe I can try to be more adventurous but that doesnt seem to entice him. I would be extremeley happy with any type of sex 2-3x a week.

I am a biglaw attorney and DH is an incredible father and awesome support system for me. He makes me laugh and we have a great time together. I know we lead hectic lives, but I want to make sex a priority. Even if its just a sext here or there during the day.

I don't know where to go from here. I would love to know the feeling of a W who feels desired by her DH, who wants to grab her from behind or turn her around and give her a kiss. Reading the posts of all the men on this site in sexless marriage makes me incredibly sad for them and myself - I wish my DH was like some of you men in this forum; I would be the happiest wife.

[Anonymous]

Do you think DH feels overwhelmed by your sexual aggressiveness? Some men might find this very hot, but maybe your DH feels inadequate as a result or maybe he has madonna whore issues?

The next time he initiates I would just take his lead and see how that goes.

Also, have you criticized him sexually in the past? Or made him feel boring or not adventurous enough?

[Anonymous]

Op you are sexually mismatched. Did you make it clear prior to marriage what your expectations are or did he lie? Im a woman with a high sexual drive, no way I'm marrying a man with a low sex drive. I'm making him be aware before marriage and clearly state it. If he is not with me I'm walking away from the relationship. Btw a I'm fair person and I believe a man should equally end a relationship if he knows before marriage his fiancé has a low sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Here is my advice:

Men's desire builds without release. This is where it differs from women. If he hasn't had an orgasm, after day 2, 3, 4, his level of desire should increase exponentially. There is almost no chance he goes the week without self-pleasure. So the first issue, he needs to cut out masturbation and bring his sexual energy to you.

Now the question is why he prefers self-pleasure and that is complicated. Perhaps he is a porn addict. Or simply is desires are out of the mainstream. Maybe you can find a way to bring it up. There is a mojo sex survey that might help you and him explore what turns each other on.

If he really is this low desire and this young age, he needs to get his testosterone and thyroid and other panels looked at.

My sympathy goes out to you. Your DH and my DW would be a perfect match. You sound awesome.

[Anonymous]

Cut your loses. I say this as someone who has been in a similar type marriage for 12 years now. It only gets worse.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had a great answer for you. You can't bring a horse to water.

Best I can think of is having a serious sit down conversation about your wants/needs. In no uncertain terms describe how your need for sex is like water to you. Hopefully, he will see it as s sign to step up his game. These things can be tricky. Something has to give before you find your eyes wander and seeking the attention your missing at home. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Well you still do it more than we do, though we have a 3 year old and 1 year old. We're both exhausted after a long workday and getting them to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another sad marital sex post...

How do the wives here cope with a DH that has a lower sex drive? I am 29, DH is 33. We've been married 6 years and have a 15 month old.

Ever since a few months into our marriage, I've had a higher sex drive than him. This has caused serious sexual frustration on my part, that I've gently talked to him about. He hasn't much changed. About 2 years ago I simply stopped initiating sex, mostly because it really hurt being rejected so much. We're down to sex about 3 times a month - once every weekend except the week I'm on my period (very predictable).

Well, last week we had a particularly fun (I thought) night so I tried to initiate sex two days later by cozying up to him and kissing his neck. He quickly shut me down saying something about me being on my period (I wasnt). The harsh way he shut me down literally made my stomch drop and after a few minutes I snuck away into the bedroom and cried to myself (mostly from embarassment, partly from frustration). Fast forward to tonight and he starts initiating and I get a bit bold and tell him to be rough and pull my hair (figuring he must be in an usual mood to initiate on a weekday). He ofcourse ignores my request. I playfully bit his cheek and he lost his erection (literally has never happened before), and I tell him to lay back and I gave him a BJ. I feel incredibly embarrased for asking him to be rough since he clearly didnt want to do it.

I give BJs before every time we have intercourse (and enjoy it too!) and anal when he wants it. I am up for literally anything that he wants to do but he does not want to have sex more than once a week. I figure if I cant change the frequency, maybe I can try to be more adventurous but that doesnt seem to entice him. I would be extremeley happy with any type of sex 2-3x a week.

I am a biglaw attorney and DH is an incredible father and awesome support system for me. He makes me laugh and we have a great time together. I know we lead hectic lives, but I want to make sex a priority. Even if its just a sext here or there during the day.

I don't know where to go from here. I would love to know the feeling of a W who feels desired by her DH, who wants to grab her from behind or turn her around and give her a kiss. Reading the posts of all the men on this site in sexless marriage makes me incredibly sad for them and myself - I wish my DH was like some of you men in this forum; I would be the happiest wife.

So you might be dealing with something else. The lost if erection with the rough sex and you taking the lead...maybe he was abused as a child? If that's the case, he may have flash back when you are aggressive. It sounds like there are other issue here.

[Anonymous]

He lost the erection because he already jerked it that day. Tell him to save his bullets for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He lost the erection because he already jerked it that day. Tell him to save his bullets for you.

Or maybe he's not turned on by rough sex at all like OP is. Some guys just aren't into being rough in bed and have a difficult time spanking, grabbing, pinning, pulling hair...like my husband. You can wink your eye and encourage him to take you the way that you want, but he may just do it to please you even though it's a turn off for him....and then your back in the same boat again.

I propose Fantasy Day. A one day opportunity for couples to explore their fantasies without consequence. Just in case this comes to pass one day... my itinerary has been carefully crafted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He lost the erection because he already jerked it that day. Tell him to save his bullets for you.

Yes women who rub one out lose their desire. This is reason there are so many women uninterested in sex and in sexless marriages. Additional if the woman read romance novels...it's over.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he should get his testosterone levels checked.

Unfortunately he is likely to react very defensively to that suggestion.

Also, he needs to see a specialist because a GP will always say his level is "fine" even if it really isn't.

[Anonymous]

I'm 20 years older than you, OP, and in the same boat. I don't know what to tell you - I've always been the higher drive, more kinky partner. I'm sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you are sexually mismatched. Did you make it clear prior to marriage what your expectations are or did he lie? Im a woman with a high sexual drive, no way I'm marrying a man with a low sex drive. I'm making him be aware before marriage and clearly state it. If he is not with me I'm walking away from the relationship. Btw a I'm fair person and I believe a man should equally end a relationship if he knows before marriage his fiancé has a low sex drive.

I am a high drive woman in a mismatched marriage. The problem in my case was that I was clear, but my H deluded himself into thinking he was up for more frequency and more adventure. The last time I told him what I wanted, it ended with him calling me "sexually selfish." Okay buddy I get the message - you can't keep up with me.

[Anonymous]

Did he see your vagina during childbirth? If so, his sex drive for you ain't coming back